the risks that i take are all worth is even if it's for a loss

The classic!

AMANDA NICOLE
eighteen
taurus
24 april baby
catholic
guitarist
aikidoka
msn-addict
prone to getting high
CRAZIED
tomboy-er
sms/chat lover
JOKER OF THE YEAR
st. anthony's preschool
chij bukit timah
art club
st. theresa's convent
RED CROSS
acjc(three months)
CANOEING/DBOAT
catholic jc
canningcollege
Shopping fan
curtin university
ROWING
swimming
working to earn a living

looking through the glass

playing on my guitar;D
searching for tabs online
music
OUTDOORS:D
water sports, CANOEING
mountaineering
camping outdoors
orientation camps!
SHOPPING!
ROWING
movieing with friends
being totally ME
smsing/chat
blogging;D
scouting for eyecandies.
Chocolates
running/crunches
reading for leisure
suntanning<3
SUN SAND SEA.

aspirations

conquer mount kinabalu
master drums one day
learn guitar tabs ( currently)
to be a rich woman!
grow taller!
learn how to do makeup
travel around the world backpacker style
get back home to singapore!
do well in up in uni exams
ROWING CHAMPIONSHIPS!
hiphop street dancing
the special coffee blend
do something crazy and wild
get my honours!
work hard in both my jobs
throw the old, get the new
be the next AUSTRALIAN IDOL

fingers crossed

crumpler bag
rowing championships medals
more eyecandies!
to dye my hair brown/red
my food hunt
workout dumbells
GET AN AWESOME TATTOO
another piercing to go with
new balance dryfit apparel
nike running dryfit tee
splurging on sunglasses
COME BACK HOME!
lesser projects/schoolwork
another jar of jellybeans!
retain my 46kg
running machine
doritos nachos
cadbury icrecream tubs
up my fitness level
to get my HOT abs
to able to carry a scull by myself
get tanner under the sun!

tagboard

friends

♥Aileen ♥BaoZhu ♥Charmaine ♥Caroyln K ♥Chris ♥Dorcas ♥Edlyn Ng ♥Honey ♥Jannah ♥Li Zhen ♥Kelly Ann ♥Kelly Low ♥KY ♥Michelle Ng ♥Randy ♥Sharon ♥SiJia ♥Tammy ♥Yi Jing

credits

designer Dancing Sheep
resources + +

pool of tears.

Saturday, July 08, 2006 6:05 PM

man i hate being emotional. it sucks when things dont go your way and all you can do is cry bout it. that feeling of weakness. not being able to do anything to change the way things are just because there's a higher power preventing you from doing so.
i feel sore. agitated. lonely and miserable.
today just aint my day. how i wish that the seconds pass so quickly that today would just be another day forgotten. that there was never a saturday 8th of july at all. that there was only one weekend sunday for this week. no saturdays no troubles.
i woke up in the afternoon thinking that today would be the start of a new day as it was no school. fresh and lively. but i was so wrong. got scolded for waking up so late. (like. i was tired okay. you try going for aikido lessons at night. having to come back at only 11.10pm and sleeping at 1am) waking up in the afternoon is pretty normal.
(and i do love my aikido lessons so stop shouting at me and forcing me to come home early after class. and i thought i told you already that i'll be late home cos i'll be celebrating with the rest for edwin, kuiyang and john's birthday? cant you just give me some time to spend with my friends? i did promise to come home before 11.30pm right. so... its not as though me coming home near midnight would scare you at all.)

went for guitar lessons. met audrey at bangkit. passed her the homework for friday. guitared till 2.45pm. got scolded for not practicing enough. that i was not productive during class. that he wanted me to show more improvement during class. that i was wasting his time. paid my school fees.(went home moody and angry at myself). ate lunch with elder sis. thought i told her the problem at the school just now. BIG MISTAKE.
she turned back on me. blamed me that i was wasting my mum's money in going for guitar classes every saturday. that i was wasting so much every single month in only practicing guitar for only one day. okay. i get the picture. you dont want me in guitar anymore.that my mum would rather scold her when she didnt practice piano and that she disliked the fact that mum didnt scold me when i hardly practiced guitar. (she pull onto a nerve) i couldnt control it any longer so i took my lunch and went to my room. ive already put whatever happened at guitar past behind me. but she had to of all things rake it up at my face. thanks so much.;(
did maths homework. trying very hard to forget bout everything that happened in the past few hours. but it didnt work. she had to come into the room' wahh. so hardworking doing maths homework now.' (i really felt like slashing a few words back at her.) but i restrained. knew that it would just make matters worse and making me feel more guilty with more to apologise later on. i kept quiet. she left the room.
the problems kept coming back into mind. i smsed my brother. tuitioning. didnt answer back. waited. beep. he asked me what happened. i told him everything that happened. super nice. he wasted his smses to console me.

sometimes. i ask myself why my mum is against me taking up so many things on my hands. ive been through sessions with her where she adviced me to drop my activities to concentrate on others. i ignored her. she said i didnt have any more time left on my hands to spend it with the family. (worst still. my dad doesnt even know my whereabouts. like for instance. i came home from guitar. went to my room. 3 hours later. he came to the room. 'hey amanda. i thought you went for guitar? didnt know you came home.') even my own group of friends support that very fact that i dont spend enough time with them. i really hate to say this. but sometimes i feel that my outside group of friends are more fun to hang out with than my own group in school and i feel more at home with them. im sorry. it sounds as though i go to school with a different me. i just cant find my identity right now. i feel as though im playing on my school friends and family members/ i do like to laugh and joke with them. but sometimes. no one laughs with me and it just feels weird. whenever i crack up in school amd at home its either i get a response that im just crazy and weird or i dont get any response at all. (my elder sis says the whole time i talk bout my juniors and aikido friends and not other people. its because they are the very people who know me the most) why cant anyone understand me that i dont have the luxury of time on my hands? if you guys really want me to spend all of my time with you. then i'll drop all my activities for you. cut off all my relations with the people i love the most just to be with you more. now then. you'll be happy right. that means no more aikido trainings. no more guitar. no more juniors. no more aikido friends. if those are all the things you find distracting and taking most of my time away from you/ then just tell me. i'll drop them if thats what makes you happy.
so that would mean no more ambitions to go climbing with pearl on the 7 submits of malaysia. no drum lessons. no basketball lessons. no capoeira with edwin.
im sorry to the people who wanted my attention so much but i didnt give it to them. im sorry to my group of friends that i really love you guys. but theres just something missing between us and our friendship. im sorry to ll those who had high expectations for me and i let you down. im sorry to all my ambitions. that i cant fufil you now or even later.

mathed more. harder questions. couldnt solve it. gave up. went to the kitchen. grabbed a milk packet to cool off. walked past her room. she was sleeping. turned on the computer to surf on net.
junior called. at tiong. invited me there to chill and hang out. eat. didnt want to. told her i wasnt feeling myself. hung up. thought bout her call. ( maybe i needed to go out to forget bout everything. to get away from my room. my house. my everything) called her back again. 'hey. i think i'll go out. but i'll only reach there at 6.10pm. can you wait that long for me. sure. see you there.' i grabbed my bag, wallet and phone. went out of the house. didnt call my mum to let her know. pressed for lift. waited.
phone rang. MUM. dies. answered it. 'where do you think youre going. to tiong right. why are you going out in the first place?' shit. im so dead. ' er. ya i wanted to tell you. can i go out now? its just a short while./ i'll be back for dinner. oh and how did you know bout it?' ( she didnt answer that question) i knew it. it has to be sharon who told her. ' im fetching your sister now. and dont you think its stupid travelling so far there and back jusut to see your juniors for that short while. you must be crazy.' i so knew it. sharon told her on me.
'fine. i wont go.' i answered hiding my anger. 'good now stay at home.' she sounded satisfied. END.i hung up on her first. dropped onto the floor right outside the lift. the lift door opened. i looked into the insides of the lift and shifted my gaze to the phone. i cant. dragged myself to the door step. sat there near the shoe rack. couldnt control it. the tears just fell. i let them. just couldnt fight back. i held onto them since this afternoon. didnt want anyone else to see. but now i saw only me. and that was all that mattered. stayed there for 10 minutes. open the door. went back into the house. my aunty was relieved to see me. ' lucky you came back. if not i dont know what to tell your mum' (sure. im back. ya. i wont implicate you again aunty. i'll just stay at home.) didnt have the mood to face my books. went and turned on the comp. blogged. wiped my tears off.
parents came home. till now im faking my feelings in front of them. my elder sis aint up. i still cant face her tonight.
pink's who knew and rihanna's unfaithful is nice.

thanks kor. for being there for me. for consoling me when i was down. dont worry i'll call you again when im down. and the ben and jerry's offer was nice but i'll rather cry it all out than to eat anything at the moment. i dont have the mindset to stomach anything at the moment. thanks doc. I LOVE YOU TOO. i'll get over it soon. dont worry. but tommorrow i should be fine. i hope. thanks daniel for listening to my crapp. and offering your ears to hear all those crapp. thanks kelly ann. for understanding why i couldnot go out at the last minute. that i didnt want to pang sei you but i had no choice. and thanks for the spore idol magazine. i'll take a look at paul's and johnathan's photo.'))