Wednesday, September 26, 2007 7:08 PM
26th september 2007Day a hundred and sixty six.
this was not how i wanted our friendship to end. well, not like this. it wasnt supposed to turn out like this. i thought by last friday you would have got my hint that i was mad at you. i wanted to simmer down by this week and give you a new start to it. but you did it all over again.
you left temporary scars on me before but now you've left a permanent one thats going to hurt. these temporary ones may go off after a while after the red swelling goes down but this recent one wont ever fade away. you left bruises on my body but this bruise you left today its internal and it's hard to heal it. it hurts so badly. i cry when i try to fight back the feeling of losing our friendship. it shouldnt have turned out this way. i thought you knew better.
last friday was good enough a warning for you. i warned you not to agitate me again. a warning i gave you yet you pay no heed to it. you ignored it and repeated the same mistake again. i used words on you even my mum would disallow it if she heard it coming from my own mouth. words that i have never used on anyone but you. i didnt mean those words, i said it all in a huff. ive tried telling you nicely many times to stop your actions but you didnt listen so i had to resort to using such words. i dont want to remember myself using such words. i dont even want to remember shouting at you. memory hurts. like a knife slowly making its way across your skin sliting only the surface to leave you to slowly bleed.
you had to do it again today after the same happened that very day on friday. i thought you knew your mistake, but yet you didnt. you didnt even feel sorry or repentant over what you did. i feel sorry for you. you lost friends because of the fact you dont realise your mistake long before you lost them. you couldnt put down your pride just once to say the word 'sorry' no wonder they say 'sorry' was just so difficult to say. i get the meaning now.
you have no idea how much force you put into all your tugs. there's always a limit to how much i can take. you thought i could take your abuse. i thought i could till the end but it got overwhelming for me to handle. it got to a point where it hurts. finger marks you left upon my body and bruises or cuts. my knee and hands have bled from struggles with you. you left me broken and discarded.
i left like a toy. one you could just your fun and the next forget and just throw one side. you pulled me like a ragged doll by one arm, it left me with bruise marks of your fingers wrapped around my arms. you slammed me against the walls a couple of times. i was glad i didnt break or dislocate my shoulders. you pushed me one side when you felt like it. you pulled me by the collar of my shirt when i wanted a way out. i felt mistreated by you yet i didnt say a word to anyone. i kept silent. these words have not left my mouth ever since.
i gave you your way. i didnt want to stand in your way. i was scared. scared of you. afraid of what you could do to me. i didnt want anymore bruises. ive had enough from you. i let you on the heater whenever you came into class. i moved to one side only after having you push me against the wall near the door with your shoulder a couple of times. i learn from these experiences. you kick my chair and rest your feet on my chair from the back, i moved my chair in front. you kept disturbing me from joe's lesson with your stupid antics of 'i am bored', i ignored you. somehow it didnt please you to have me ignore you. you just didnt like being ignored. no one does. but you know you can get a bit irrtational at times? ive tried to restrain myself from yelling. i just couldnt today.
i hate myself for yelling at you. i admit i went a bit too far with my words. they were meant to hurt you. rather, it was meant to tell you straight off that i couldnt stand you no longer. i have a limit to how much i can take this bullshit from you. not now anymore. it's been way too long enough i have suffered in silence. i cried not because of you, not because what you did just then hurt me but because i couldnt believe i did what i did at you just then. i shouted at you. i shouted, raised my voice and yelled at a friend. you were the first i did. it didnt feel like me. it felt like i was someone else who couldnt stand you anymore. i hated myself for even talking back to you. i cried because i felt like i was a different person then. i didnt mean to shout or yell back at you. i should have just kept silent about it all just like i've always did for the past few months. i should have just endured it for just another week of school with you.
ive made changes to my life because of you. i havent been going to the international student office (ISO)because you were there most of the times. i left my friends at lunch to eat at my usual spot at the cafeteria when i usually ate at the ISO on a wednesday.i stopped hanging around that place. i didnt want to. everytime i hang around there, i'll be a target for you.
i brought my math books on purpose for you since you wanted to lend them every single maths lesson. the first you asked me if you could borrow my book, i lend you. second i did. but when the lessons went on and you took it for granted i would lend you my books. i still brough them anyway for you. would you think i would weigh my bag down just because of a book i would have brought to school that had of no use to me. you already said my bag was heavy enough and that it weighed my height down. thanks a lot but youre part of the cause i might just get a hunchback in my later years. just because of your carelesses and your disregard to bring your own books, i had to share with my neighbour. have you ever thought about how difficult it was for me and her to share just one book when we were working on different questions? i had to wait for her to flip over the page while she also had to do the same. you took my book away only to have yourself flip open that page to show joe youve got a book in your hands whilst you doodle on your paper or talk away. i was working with her on just one book when we could have both our books. you assumed i would have brought my books to school.what if i didnt? would it land you in deep shit? i brought it never for myself but for you. every maths lesson. the first thing you ask from me is to have my maths book and it was never with a please. it sounded more like a demand if not i'll pinch you kind. i brought it without fail only to have you say thank you by the end of it and after that it was over for you. maths lesson was over so was my kindness. no more. end of story and so came the next maths lesson, the same demand and the same thank you. somehow, you made me think little of the word thank you like it didnt carry much gratitude along with such a word.
just one class and ive suffered enough. ive suffered more bruises in just those months with you than all my years spent in this life. one class and that's all i ask. no more. i hide away from you for fear. you always seem to know i was. you demand that i come to you if not i'll give me 'that' look of unhappiness and sulk. i shook you off that i didnt have anything to talk to you. you said you wanted to talk to me and wanted me there. i disagreed. you got pissed off and wanted to stomp your way across the carpark to me. you gave up and ask why i was in a rush. i gave an excuse/ i had to get away from you somehow. you didnt quite believe me then.
i had michelle to 'protect' me when you were around. she gave me comfort from you. she hid me away from you and made sure i was untouched by you since you wouldnt touch her. but when she wasnt around. you took the opportunity. the times ive been bruise by your hands have all been times when she wasnt around. mostly after chemistry. the rest laughed. i laughed along, it hurt inside but i couldnt show it. it was just a slight cut. everyone saw but yet only one asked me how it was. you asked me if it hurt but yet you didnt apologise. you joke and laugh over my pain when you pressed the wound. as though it didnt hurt enough on my kneecap, you had to make it worse by pinching my arms. those red bruises only left till after lunch.
you didnt know when to end. you didnt know your limit. let me ask you this. do you ever play this rough with any other girls in the college? i doubt so. am i the only one you handled that hard? i think so. because everyone else to you looked like they were mature enough whilst i didnt. so you had to pick on me. it was bad enough i was one of the youngest in the school with you and also the shortest at that. you took full advantage that i was always laughing and cheery at heart that i wouldnt blame you. i have feelings too just like anyone else had. i hurt when you do all those to me. i kept it one side in my heart while you had your fun. everyone was having fun, i didnt want to wreck it. i hate getting angry.
everytime i yelled at you to stop it, you just wouldnt. instead, you just pulled further. that's what happened today. you ignored all my screams and yells. i told you to stop yet you didnt. shayma pleaded you to stop it also. he saw how i didnt like it and that it was pain for me. you didnt listen/.it seemed like fun to you when you saw me yelping in pain from the tug of my hair. my screams seemed to feed into your interest to tug further. does it really make you feel happier to see me suffer at your hands? if so, have you had enough? you pulled hard and tighten your grip around my hair. the last you did on that friday, i suffered a neck strain from the impact of my head being jerked backwards hard and too sudden. i couldnt even rest my head on one shoulder. that impact left me paralysed for a day because of that strain. i couldnt forgive you that weekend. i wanted to but it was so hard. you didnt even say a word of sorry or asked how i was after i shouted back at you. dont make me shout again. i dont wish to change into a different me. one whom i dont even know to being with. youre turning me into someone i dont even know at all.
because of you, im afraid to keep long hair already. ive made my plans to have my hair cut shorter than you would have expected right after im back home and i dont even want to meet up with you ever again. ive skipped maths classes recently to have you off my back and im going to do it again on friday's class. youve hurt me so many times after time and time again and i forgot about it. i prayed over everything else and yet i never prayed for us.
where did we go wrong? was it your misconception that i would handle everything in my stride and because of the fact that i looked cheery on my exterior? or was it simply my fault all from the start for letting you have your way when i should have been firm with you? i would have chosen the latter. it was clearly my mistake right from the start. i shouldnt have been too soft. i didnt want to lose a friend like you from the start. but was our friendship even worth its credit rating of what everyone sees from the outside?
is this even called friendship from the start? i thought it was only to have myself wronged. i didnt know friends hurt one another or even to have one at the disadvantage at the other's expense. is this your idea of fun? hurting me? i hate to say this but i have never lost a friend before and yorue the first im losing. you were long gone from me since the last straw that i took from you. it felt like out friendship lasted no longer than 5 months. i gave up that friday. i cant bother myself thinking of how i could resolve this friendship since you wanted no say in it. you didnt ask if i was alright that day when i raised my voice at you. you just couldnt be bothered. well, i cant be bothered either with this friendship if you wont just put down your pride for just once and treat me like a human and not just your ragdoll. is having just that tinge of fairness from you that difficult? well you wouldnt see me the same way you would with others. i was just at your beck and call, when you left like beating me up, you'll come and find me and when you didnt, you hung out with the rest. i feel disregarded in this friendship.
our paths shouldnt have crossed in the first place. it wasnt supposed to have until that faithful day. i wouldnt have met you if not for that day after chemistry classes. i havent seen you around in school before till that day i got introduced to you. we wouldnt have met if not for the both of us being at the wrong place at the wrong time. it just wasnt meant to be.
and now, im left with half a weeks more till we end school. i doubt this friendship would mend itself in these two days i have left. on both days, im not going to meet up with you or either way. so, it's been nice meeting you for the past five months. for those times we did actually laugh, thank you but i cant carry on with this friendship, it's just too hard for me. i wish i could but i cant. im sorry. i hope youre the first and the last friend im giving up on and that we'll both move on with our lives. i would try to. i'll forgive you when time has healed my wounds.
memory hurts. i dont wish to remember. my eyes are bloodshot and rheumy from all that crying. my heart hurts from all the wrenched up feelings ive kept mum about. youre the last i wish to forget. after this, im moving on with life. time will heal those wounds. give me some time.
