the risks that i take are all worth is even if it's for a loss

Monday, October 29, 2007 11:13 PM

29th october 2007
Day a hundred and ninety nine.

happy 19th birthday celestina! she was like the oldest of all of us in that group, leaving me, michelle and chet to be the youngest 17th year old babies amongst the sea of 18th year olds.

i look like a complete fool carrying a happy birthday balloon to college today. everyone was looking at me as though i was some small kid going for a friends birthday tea party or something. thats where my height factor doesnt help at all. i arrived late. michelle wasnt surprised. opps. im sorry! i know im always late! you can never expect amanda to be early. stupid day light saving thing. i have to adjust everything to an hour ahead. so indirectly, i wasnt late! i was an hour early TAKE THAT!

so i arrived in to the ISO building with a blue bear in one hand and the balloon in another. sometimes, i think i should just wrap myself in wrapping paper and ribbons as a present. so much for the present bearer. HAHA.

it wasnt so much a party but hell it was fun as a get together. the cake was made by lp's cousin's brother. i couldnt do with the affiliation and all. i just rather prefer the cake was there and ready to be eaten. it tasted good so whoever you are who made it, my tummy says thanks! celest brought food along, michelle the chips and the rest the drinks.it wasnt muchk, just a small party but it was good enough for all of us.

celest couldnt believe it that i was lesbian. i had two girls with me. HAHA.

MICHELLE AND CELEST and my bear bear! the one i bought for her;D omg i love it loads;D

the cake was simple yet delicious. the whipped cream was tempting and yet fattening omg i need to run soon and burn it off.

lp was wearing a skirt! and the whole school year she didnt wear one for me to see aggh;( fine i saw it today already and im HAPPY sweet!

thats my birthday girl. celestina 28/10/1988

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRLFRIEND!

thats called mixing around with my two lesbian friends;D i think my conv was great enough to catch their attention.

pathetic group of guys. right to left: alex, ivan, celest, chet and andy.

girls group. left to right: lean ping, trina, michelle, me, shi yun, celest, avelina, cynthia ( elacs teacher for them), michelle( mummy) and may.

told you i like that cake! I WAS ENJOYING MY CAKE BEFORE SHE TOOK THIS!

she piggybacked me before you started panting saying i was fat. hmmf;(

my eyecandy babe;D i love lunches with her. sadly schools over and so are our days at drooling over hot guys.

michelle scolded me for talking with my mouth full. said my mum didnt teach me well. well, mum, did you?

cheers to the upcoming exams to all of us.

the party didnt last long but we had fun before something interesting happened when michelle and ivan went to wash the knifes. they went to the boys toilet. TOGETHER. woots. can you imagine? the two of them? HAHA well alex closed the door on them and they started making love noises outside. she deleted the photos on it but it was hilarious. the toilet flushing noises, the toilet seat banging. HAHA i say it was a great time.

i had fun before everyone packed up and started back on their studies in the library.

Sunday, October 28, 2007 7:27 PM

28th october 2007
Day a hundred and ninety eight.

just another 2 more days and it'll be my two hundred day here in perth. let's pop some champange to the girl who made it alive out in this foreign land of aussie-fied 'good day mate'. 21 days more and i'll be back to saneness. singapore, somehow i miss you badly. i miss the good food, the streets at night, the warmth!! and the laughter of family and friends. i should be awarded the long term mental illness certificate for going through pure madness these 7 months here in jail. im glad im coming home. MA, im coming home!

i feel bad though. i cant stand just one thing about you. the singlish in your talk. i guess coming over here has transformed thi pueeny brain of mind to registed nothing but good sensed english. sorry, i cant stand singlish. the lahs, lors, lees, orhs, mahs or whatever you guys can come up with. ive not changed in my talk. i talk the same, just without them. can you imagine, just by saying all those behind every sentence, you lose that bit of saliva of which you can lick it up to coat your lips, or you could do things faster ( shorten the amount of information you have to tell people). yeah;D just no singlish. my hands are ready enough to whack those who say it in front of me. try me.

and i thought spring was here. its getting colder by the day. the degrees are dropping to winter style. wheres my sun? sheesh, you came so late and now youre giving back the baton to winter? well its warming up soon enough this week and the hottest on friday when i have my chemistry tee exams. wish me luck ( i need a lot of it to see me through this)! i had to wear my pullover out with long sleeves. i was cold again.

we went for church and canning market somehow seemed attractive as a stop for lunch. i was phleming. mum said ' no fried food, chocolates ( STAY AWAY) and so does sweets.' so yeah, i couldnt eat at livingston since it was all fried food outlets. we search throughout and couldnt find anything decent. ah heck that rule. we went for seafood basket. WOOTS. and boy, i didnt regret. okay mum, if you wanna scold/ nag. im all ears ( hehe;D) i'll get well dont worry;D we stopped by the sweets shop. omg, i think i could have died that. i was in heaven. pure sweets heaven. the lollies, the gummies, the sweets, the snacks. i feel bad for the shop assistant, she had to clean up after me ( i drooled all over the places i stepped on) it was amazing. there was so many sweets. UNBELIEVABLE. have you ever seen sweets in giant packets like fits the size of your arms sprawled over it? lollies so big that you needed four mouths to fit the giant in. omg, tempted yet i didnt buy just yet. i used just yet. nick, i have to take you here shopping for your sweets also.

it was celestina's birthday last friday. happy belated girlfriend! they called us together for a get together to eat her birthday cake for lunch. tommorrow at school 11am. boy, am i going for the food? did i just say food? opps sorry mum, er the friends. yeah, im going for the friends. i went shopping for her presents and settled for a balloon and a blue bear. imagine her reaction when she sees the stuff she has to lug home. a balloon for a 19th year old? HAHA hilarious. she must think im nuts to get her that. cmon im just childish at heart.

a guy wished me happy birthday! i dont mind though. im celebrating it again. my 17th birthday. i didnt get to celebrate it much when i was here. when im back. it'll be 17 friends, with 17 cakes. at 17 different venues. HAHA. what else? 17 presents ( hell i dont mind) and maybe 17 different types of food. im for it ! any takers?

i didnt like my sister. she made me wait for the bus. the bear wont forgive you either.

happy birthday celest! the bear loves you ( after being squashed in the face of my sister) it's fur is ruffled.

michelle smsed me about the changes to the venue. ( i know i look fat in this pic) dont SAY IT .

i think i didnt like the sms and start bleahing. ( sorry it aint ladylike) ;D

the both of us got crazy. and i swear we didnt suck any of the helium from the balloon. i couldnt have. even though i carried it, it was impossible. i started doing stupid stuffs. my tummy ached so much from laughing. it was a good one though. guys were staring at my sister for her infectious LOUD laugh that i think scared them. drivers that went pass us thought we were mad. the balloon, the comedian and the audience ( the one which the infectious laughter).

the walk home was worst. it went from silly to mad to insane! charmaine started testing me on my chinese skills. i managed some but yet the others just didnt seem to ring a bell. i read an advertisement on the rubbish bin. ' i can speak chinese, hokkien, cantonese and teochew' says the woman advertised on it. well, guess what? i can speak four languages also.

'i can speak english, singlish, chinese and australianese' HAHA. i asked her whats sex in chinese. she stunned. she was like ' shit i dont even know/' i sensed it. so i bugged her. ' what! a simple three letter word and you dont know?' wow youre good in 'chinese'' she thought hard and gave up.

i started to ask her whats sex in french. and started to giving her weird variations. they call it, 'fra-mu-la' she thought it was real. she believed me for that one second before i burst out laughing. she slapped me hard. ' i dont like you. you always make me believe you. HA THE POWER OF PERSUASION. i just love you it. dont you? well, so she didnt believe me because i started laughing my head off. stupid me. i should have just kept shhh. i gave her more variations. how about? 'va-la-su-sa' 'pi-shay-na-ti' or best! 'vi-ca-na-too-ti'? HAHA GOSH IT WAS FUNNY.

try it in japanese. we laughed more. 'bu-cu-nae' or 'ya-ma-cho-sei' or 'woo-chu-nei' or 'yan-da-nae-yo' she howled. i laughed. see the difference why she's so scary when you make her laugh. thank god, im the only one who makes her this crazy. behold the mad woman. someone TAME HER PLEASE.

she asked for more. singaporeans? i gave a long one. to end the show for all. she couldnt make it out but we both laughed. ' eh-pi-pa-cu-chi-ni-ni-la-lu-sa' never whatever. i couldnt remember for word what i said. but hey, singaporeans. haha;D our definition of sex. its complicated. you wouldnt wanna know. HAHA.

Friday, October 26, 2007 2:03 PM

26th october 2007.
Day a hundred and ninety six.

stupid me. i get this whole jealously attack out of a sudden. AGGH. i need to whine so much. im so jealous! sheesh. i cant believe im jealous over some pictures i saw over friends blogs and friendster. amanda! wake up ( slaps self).

it was stupid. a grad night for just the international students only. just them. no PR, no aussie citizens just them. and me, i had to fall into the PR category. i couldnt use my charm to get me into that function. they just couldnt let me in. the seats were allocated already. the tables arranged and my name wasnt in any of their list.

hanxian told me to sneak in under muru's coat, said it would keep me fully shielded from their watchful eyes. besides whats a small bump by his side gonna affect his image? haha;D well i didnt. others told me to just crash the party. i wish. but amanda aint that bad.

everyone looks so pretty in their dresses or skirts. and guys, haha;D weird though but i never expected you lot to wear on a tux or even a bowtie or a tie for that matterof fact. it was er dashing in that sense. fine. AGGH. you people look damm hot for the night. so while everyone else in college was dressed to the nines, i was in my pjs ( shirt and shorts) lying on the bed. while everyone was dressing up, putting on makeup, i was sitting in front of my laptop and playing comp games and chatting online.

i feel bad though. half the time i was looking through the pics, i kept laughing at friends in college, friends that you would not expect be seen in a blazer with a tie or a bow tie for that matter. muru, i take my hats off to you. for what seem like a big tough rugger guy, you looked like a cute giant teddy bear in that outdo. really nice though. i think you look rather suave, along with shayma, that guy can wear on wax/ gel pretty well. ( i have to complement on that smirk that you have)

well. i missed out on this grad night. my sec school one wasnt as much fun either. it was all girls. HAHA. uni grad night then. i'll make it big.

Friday, October 19, 2007 10:53 PM

i cried for this. silly me.
“Remember: To be happy, you either change the world, or you change your thinking. To be realistic, you have to change your thinking to be happy. But me, I will change the world for you.”

“You’re like the North Pole of a magnet bar, and Jacky is also like the North Pole of a magnet bar. There’s no way for both of you to be close together. There’s a force that’ll always push you both apart. This force is called the obstacle, like interest differences, communication problems and etc.“However, if you put a metal bar in between, both you magnets will stick to it. And you’ll be close to each other. That metal bar dissolves the force that pushes both of you away. And that metal bar is what we called love.”

‘I’ve been the happiest man in the world for two times: The first time is when you agreed to marry me, and the second time is when you said you had always loved me throughout our marriage. Because I have loved you all this while as well, but I just didn’t dare to say it.’”

I regretted so many things yet I can nothing now. I should have, yet I did not. Joanna, what I wanted to tell you is that I love you.

Since the day I first talked to you, I told myself that I must not fall in love with you. As we got closer, I continued to tell myself that I did not love you. I held your hand, I cried when you cried, I smiled when you smiled, but still, I told myself: no, I don’t love you.

In love, either I love you, or I don’t. Joanna, I had been thinking. I had been trying not to love you, but the fact remains: I love you. I can try to forget you, I can try not to love you, but still, it boils down to this single sentence: I love you.

If you’re reading this letter, I must be in coma. But I just want to tell you, Joanna, I just want to tell you how much I love you.

Just wait for me if I’m in coma. I’ll be back. Peel an apple for me; I’ll be still having it. This letter will be my motivation to wake up.

Wait for me. Wait for the sunshine. Wait for the clouds to clear. Wait. For. Me.

will you wait for me?

9:43 PM

19th october 2007.
Day a hundred and eighty nine.

im officially done with my college term exams. yet, in another thirteen days, i'll be sitting for my first TEE exams on the 2nd of november. thirteen days, that just leaves me less than two weeks to study for the final leg of my race. less than two weeks to wrap up on whether i had on my studies to take the national exams in november.

ive spent six months of my seventeen here in perth. a place so far away from home and yet at just seventeen, ive spent half a year here. someone once told me the longest wait is not created by the amount of time passed, but by your mind. all this while, i had to psyche myself into the thought that i was going to come home soon. now, i dont have to do it anymore.

im coming home soon. in twenty nine days time, you'll have me back in your arms. i'll be back home where i belong. where six months had taken me to a different place, these two months back home will be the ones that i'll treasure the most. where i have lived my past days here like the days would start in the early mornings for school and end by evening before i retire into bed, thinking of the number of days i have left till i return, it wont be the same when im home.

ive lived half my seventeen here thinking that the days would pass soon enough for me to return home. my life clockwork ticked with the same moments lived through everyday. half my seventeen was spent here studying for a better tommorrow. and yet, these better tommorrows always felt the same. i wake up from bed for school and retire into the same deep sleep. these better tommorrows were supposed to carve out a better future, but yet the more i give into it, the more i lose.

six months, ive given up half my life as a seventeen year old, studying hard for my parents, working hard for my grades for my teachers and for the scholarship i need for university. i have a duty to honour and fufil. and yet, ive lost so much in my pursue for education, a better tommorrow. ive lost things that money cant buy.

a good education might get a good job with a hefty sum of salary each month but yet i dont want it. it might get me respect from friends and colleagues but as opposed to friendships of years ive lost? it takes time to build up on friendships again. time. somehow, i dont like the word.

they said time heals all wounds. they lied. time has passed for me these few months and yet the same wounds i had when i came here still remains untouched. i cover them up yet with everytime i hurt again, it reopens the wound and cuts much deeper into the rawness of the skin.

time. they told me they'll wait for my return. i tell myself i cant wait either but yet my last days here are spend in total denial that these days will pass fast for me. twenty nine days more to home as compared to a hundred and eighty nine days from home. im afraid i'll be reaching my two hundred soon.

has any daughter had to spend her life away from home for such a long period of time? the word time pops out again. i have to face it though im scared. im seventeen only. im not afraid of the dark. im afraid of being alone. im afraid of time. im afraid of how much more i have to sacrifice in this wait. im just afraid of losing more than what i have. ive lost enough already.

mum, i miss home. i miss it a lot. i miss the sound of laughter and warmth in the house. be it dinner meals that we have together or going out as a family, i miss everything. i miss all the times ( moments) that we have together. i miss my bed back home. i miss my room. although these are all tangible assets, but yet my bed back home still feels different. the air in the room is different. it has the smell of love.

twenty nine days more and i'll be back. thirty six more days and she'll be back. thirty six more days and our family will be reunited again. once more. two months before we split up again. i count my days spent together and forward my counting to days i can finally spent it together with you all. i dont like the effect time has on me. i dont like playing games with it.

time has made my seventeen year a long and weary one. im tired metally. any seventeen year old shouldnt be going through what im going through. these six months has aged me. i feel older than i should be. im tired. i need to take a break. i steady myself before the fall. i have fallen too many times. my knees have bled from the impact on the grounds from the past wounds that have scarred me for life.

let these twenty nine days pass soon for me. i need time to fast forward now. if i had a wish, i'll ask for a control of time. i need time to work for me. it's always been the other way around. ive been working so hard for time, and yet in my pursuit for it, ive lost more than i can imagine.

i dont wish to turn back to look at the things ive lost and given up upon in my pursuit of this new life. i need a second chance. a second chance at life. these two months back ive given myself a new lease to life. ive cried enough. my eyes have teared too much for this life. i tell myself to stop but yet i cant. i need to smile. i need to learn at how to laugh again. if i had one more day to live, i'll live it with no regrets.

this is me. i need to change. it makes no difference. ive been through enough changes made in my life all in this year. my seventeen. it was never good to start off with. now im ending it with a bang! at least there would be something worth celebrating my birthday then. 24th april, a special day for a special girl as what someone would say. i wont make it just a day. i'll make it for the next few months im back home in singapore.

17th november. my new lease to life. my second chance. my happy ending.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007 7:36 PM

16th october 2007
Day a hundred and eighty six.

two exams have already passed and yet anotehr three more to go. im blogging because i dont have the mood to study for accounts. im blogging because my night has been affected by what ive heard and im not feeling myself about it.

im returning on the 21st of january. returning as in here to perth and studying my uni education for years till god knows when i can even come back with the allowance of my parents. im sorry but i just feel a whole lot of disappointment.

you know how you dreamt of something so badly and yet someone has to tell you in the face to face the reality that it's never going to happen? well you fall just like i did. i fell from the highest and hit the solid bare cold hard ground just below. it hurts.

two months to spend while im back in singapore. just these two months before i leave for good. i use the word good because i know no of when im even coming back ever again. i was told three months that i had and im now left with two. i fight for things so hard in life and yet the more i do, the more i face disappointment.

it wasnt easy convincing my mum to allow me to change my date for the return flight. just one week more everyone says. im sure you can stay one week for your sister to arrive home with her. well, i cant. one week means a lot to me if it means i only have two months to spend with singapore when im back. i dont consider two months long if it's compared with years here in perth.

she came late for me. im not complaining. i dont ask her to come early for me either, everyone is selfish and only want to benefit themselves. if i were in her position, i would do the same. stay in singapore as long as i can delay. now that im given the option to arrive home early, im taking it before anyone does.

so much for seventeen. this year hasnt been great at all. i spent my birthday over the webcam and phone, hearing the voices of the ones i love, telling me its alright. birthday wishes to a very special girl yet it didnt feel like a birthday at all. the heavens were crying on my birthday. my day's horrible with homework stashed up on my desk. i miss home then. i miss home even more now.

my year hasnt been great. six months away from home. home is just a five hour flight away and yet it feels so far. not in distance but in my heart. i cant feel any warmth from the place i once call home. i miss the feeling of being at home. that feeling is lost now. i cant find it. i search under the covers and find nothing. i search in the bin to see if i had wrongly threw it in there in my anger, yet i found nothing, someone might have already emptied the bin. i lost home. i couldnt find it.

i sit in a corner. i cry myself to sleep yet my eyes cant close. they become small from the crying. yet they cant close. i close and i see someone taking my home away from me. i still cant find it. i blame myself. did i really throw it down the bin. i cant lose it. i need it so badly. i feel a part of me lost. two months of home yet i dont know how it's going to be. ive lost so much to regain the feeling of finding it again.

coming back home wont be the same again. it wont be the same when i was back home a year ago. meals times might be the same but yet it'll be somewhat different. going out with friends will be the same but yet somehow things might be different. talking conversations might be the same with those around yet the same feeling isnt there. it would be a different feeling. ive missed out on a year. in that year, ive been here and you guys back home. ive missed on happenings, ive missed out on laughter and smiles. ive missed out on more than what i can lose. i dont have much to remember for now. ive lost so much.

i sit up from my crouch. and drag the bin towards myself. i rummage through the rubbish once more. i call out for home yet i cant find it. i hear no response. no one is calling. everyone has left. no one has forgotten me yet i feel lost without them. i heard them over msn yet it isnt the same as back home. phone calls are different. smses might be the same but the feeling aint there. i pick up heaps of wasted tissue crumpled from the soaks of my tears. i pick up crushed papers that i threw into the bin. papers that ive used to jot my work from the present day here and yet they all end up going into the bin. my bin is full of rubbish and yet i cant find home.

i need my eighteen year. i wish to forget seventeen as much as i can. memory hurts. i need time to pass for me. i need to turn the hands of the clock forward to the next year before i lose anymore. if time wouldnt pass for me. let me be trapped in this endless cycle of seventeen then. let me end it here.

Saturday, October 13, 2007 10:40 PM

jokes of the day.

1. Girl : Will you love me after marriage also? Boy : This depends on your husband, if he allows me.

2. Doctor : your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleepingpills. Wife : When must I give them to him? Doctor : They are for you.

3. God saw me hungry, he created pizza . He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi. He saw me in dark, he created light . He saw me without problems,he created YOU.

4. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray "Takeonly one. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the tablewas a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

5. One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school." SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school." SON : "One, all the chilldren hate me. Two, all the teachershate me." MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go toschool." SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?" MOM : "One, you are FIFTY-TWOyears old and should understand your responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPALof the school.

6. What are the three fastest ways of communication? Three fastest means of communication in the world. Tele-phone Tele-vision Tell-a-woman. You still want faster? Tell her not to tell anyone :-)

7. A man is dying of Cancer. His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying ofAIDS?" Answer:"So when I'm dead noone will dare touch ur mom!"

1:02 AM

13th october 2007
Day a hundred and eighty three.

dont call me by my name. i dont want to be known as amanda anymore. you use my name yet you hardly even knew me. you shout abuses at me using the very name my parents gave me. amanda. it was meant to be 'beloved' and yet i dont feel any love from the people who use my name in this very household.

you find it amusing to hurt me using my name. just because my name sounds better than the others, you use it against me for your own applease.

your day hasnt been going well for you. you dont like the way it turned out against you and you feel like venting your anger on someone else. that someone else was me. my name you used to shout your abuses or blames on was the name : amanda.

amanda gets blamed for everything that hasnt been going well for you. from things that you dont get according to your way or when you get fed up because someone else takes it out upon you and yet you have to find me in turn to applease that very anger that has been built up. i take the last blow. the last blow that happens to hurt the most. i take it all in and yet i have not said anything.

i cant risk blowing up. i sit on the same dinner table as you and yet i feel a great wall in between us. we sit opposite each other. not exactly but yet youre always onto me. you do have a grudge against me do you or do you merely have a grudge against amanda? i dont want to listen to your excuses. ive heard enough.

you sulk at amanda when she doesnt listen to your remarks. it hurts her but yet she cant risk crying either. ive heard similar ones from you but yet everytime it still gets to me. i hate it but yet i cant say it. i cant take sarcastic remarks from you. i turn my head down to hide myself. people turn their heads down in shame yet i turn mine to shield this very face and my honour from your remarks that cut deep.

you question me. you didnt like that fact that my head was down or why i didnt reply any of your remarks. i havent done anything against myself to accuse my own self of this wrongdoing. i wont go against my own honour and betray myself to give you the slightest nod of my head to agree to what youre saying.

i dont like dinner times. if i had to go hungry and skip them, i would but yet i cant. my body needs the food to keep me going throughout the night. i eat less because ive lost my appetite from the studying. i want to leave the table right after im done but yet i cant. my responsibility holds me back. i have to do the dishes with my sister. i wait at the table while you eat. i pretend to watch the telly but you knew better i was avoiding you. you didnt like it. you shout again.

everyday, i go through the same momentum. i wish to go back home. dinner times back home were so much better. my mum banned the telly so we could share our experiences of the day with everyone. i talk the most at dinners but yet i still finish before the rest only to have my dad always being the first that is. it's completely different here. i cant talk much having someone on the other side of the table judge whatever i say to be wrong. he says i cant talk like that because im not cool enough or that i was just lying. do i look like i would lie to you?

my words do not betray these lips and yet you curse me right under your breath. you ask that death befall on myself and then you'll be happy. well, guess what? im not living long either. i dont have much time left in my life. im sure you'll be happy when im gone. these words you curse right under your breath, i wonder would it have any impact on my lifespan. well i used to think not. but now i do. i'll be gone before you know it.

i dont want to lose it out on you. my exams are near the corner. i cannot take the stress im going through. i need support but yet i cant find any. instead, youre always there to put me down. everynight when all i need is just a little encouragement from someone saying ive done my best for today but yet i get something different from you.

my last term exams were bad enough. i had to sit through two major papers the very next day after i got myself into an accident which left me shaken throughout the night. i couldnt even think right and yet mum wasnt even there physically to assure me everything was going to be alright. my words betrayed my feelings when i told her i was fine. my sister knew the opposite. she sat by me the whole night. i wasnt fine. i was emotionally disturbed from the accident itself and yet i had to study.

i dont wish to go through the same thing this exams. i cant deal with anymore of this nonsense. i need to concentrate for my studies. i dont care if you call me a nerd or that i need to get a life. i will after this exams. even more so, i'll show you what it means to get a life.

for now, just call me nicole. that would be me. i dont want to be called by the name my parents gave me of which you used so frivously. you think its a joke that i was called that name just for you to use it against me. amanda. well, im not responding to that name ever again. somehow, i dont even know who she is anymore. she's just someone i knew from the past and has already long gone. thats amanda. no more.

i need a break. or it should be more like, i need to break.

12:42 AM

12th october 2007
Day a hundred and eighty two.

the weeks are so long. i count them each day thinking im one day ahead to coming back home but yet these days pass so slowly. my days stretch from as early as 9 am from when i arise from bed to 1230pm when i turn back into the same bed that sees only the wrinkles from the turns that i make at night.

yes. i cant sleep well. the days have been all so long. i study till my head hurts. the pain throbs liek the beating of drums within. i tell myself ive been putting too much stress into studying but yet my paper denies this. the number of ticks on the paper isnt enough to assure me that ive done enough for the day. i write the chapters down for each subject, hoping that for everyday's past, i'll be able to strike off a few. ive tried but yet it's not getting anywhere.

economics is on monday. i still have junk loads to memorise and study on. my friends tell me ive been putting too much pressure on myself. i leave little time to relax. my mornings, afternoons and nights have all been dedicated to studying with only the hours before the clock strikes midnight to chat with friends before i turn in. the days are long yet the nights are short.

im tired. very tired. this exams are even worst off than the o levels. i need my friends to study with. its so hard to meet up with everyone here. places are far and not much places are opened on a weekend. i study alone yet the air is so much more stifling at home. i need the peace yet i hate it. the quietness kills my ear drums, they pierce right through. i want to shout yet i cant.

exams are just next week. it's getting to me somehow. im afraid i cant perform up to expectations. i want to do well, yet im passing my own judgement that i cant. i might lose this battle even before i tred further on. my body and mind cant take it anymore. i need pills yet i dont wish to pop any in. i cant sleep well. i toss and turn. my bedsheets creases underneath my weight.

this is just amanda when she's tired. all so tired. i cant think right anymore. my brain cant function when a question pops right through. i think of studies and my body goes into spasms. i shake hard from fear. i dont wish to disappoint my mum anymore. it was bad enough i didnt get the stupid scholarship ( the school ended giving to australian CITIZENS instead) i was stupid enough to think i gain a chance. i give myself chances in this new light yet i keep finding myself disappointed with the results.

im not me anymore. just not for these few weeks. i need home so badly. i miss it like memories ive lost and yet im holding back unto them like a foolish child who wouldnt leave her doll aside. i miss having fun. and when im having fun, i think i'll forget about studies.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007 4:43 PM

9 october 2007
Day a hundred and seventy nine.
you made me realise a great deal about my life situation right now.

the grass will always seem greener on the other side.
but in fact, the troubles that you will face there will be just about the same as anywhere else.

here's a story i heard

there once lived a farmer, who lived a monotonous life with the same set of problems and worries and burdens everyday. one day, he got fed up with everything.

he put all of his burdens into a bag and climbed a mountain where it was rumoured you could meet god at it's peak. he reached the peak and found god waiting for him there.

he said, "God, I'm sick and tired of my burdens, can you please take them away''

god replied, "My child, I can only take away your bag of burdens, only if you exchange it with anohter bag of burdens. Go down to the valley over there and pick and choose a bag that suits you best."

the man went down and looked at all the bags. there were huge ones and small ones but all weighed heavier than the last. he finally found the lightest and smallest that suited him best and went back up to the peak.

"god, I have chosen a bag that best suits me."

god said, "Now go back and live with your new bag."

and so he did. and when he reached home and opened his bag, only did he realise it was the same bag he brought with him up the mountain.

thanks to my mud buddy for sharing this story with me. i needed it at my lowest moments.

4:30 PM

Runaway Love lyrics(feat. Mary J. Blige)

[Hook - Mary J. Blige]
Runaway love Runaway love
Runaway love Runaway love
Runaway love Runaway love
Runaway love Runaway love

[Verse 1 - Ludacris]
Now little Lisa is only 9 years old
She's trying to figure out why the world is so cold
Why she's all all alone and they never met her family
Mama's always gone and she never met her daddy
Part of her is missing and nobody will listen
Mama is on drugs getting high up in the kitchen
Bringing home men at different hours of the night
Starting with some laughs -- usually ending in a fight
Sneak into her room while her mama's knocked out
Trying to have his way and little Lisa says 'ouch'
She tries to resist but then all he does is beat her
Tries to tell her mom but her mama don't believe her
Lisa is stuck up in the world on her own
Forced to think that hell is a place called home
Nothing else to do but get her clothes and pack
She says she's 'bout to run away and never come back.

[Hook - Mary J. Blige]Runaway love [x8]

[Verse 2 - Ludacris]
Little Nicole is only 10 years old
She's steady trying to figure why the world is so cold
Why she's not pretty and nobody seems to like her
Alcoholic step-dad always wanna strike her
Yells and abuses, leaves her with some bruises
Teachers ask questions she making up excuses
Bleeding on the inside, crying on the out
It's only one girl really knows what she about
Her name is lil Stacy and they become friends
Promise that they always be tight 'til the end
Until one day lil Stacy gets shot
A drive by bullet went stray up on her block
Now Nicole stuck up in the world on her own
Forced to think that hell is a place called home
Nothing else to do but get some clothes and pack
She says she's 'bout to run away and never come back.

[Hook - Mary J. Blige]Runaway love [x8]

[Verse 3 - Ludacris]
Little Erica is eleven years old
She's steady trying to figure why the world is so cold
So she pops x to get rid of all the pain'
Cause she's having sex with a boy who's sixteen
Emotions run deep and she thinks she's in love
So there's no protection he's using no glove
Never thinking 'bout the consequences of her actions
Living for today and not tomorrow's satisfaction
The days go by and her belly gets big
The father bails out he ain't ready for a kid
Knowing her mama will blow it all outta proportion
Plus she lives poor so no money for abortion
Erica is stuck up in the world on her own
Forced to think that hell is a place called home
Nothing else to do but get her clothes and pack
She say she's about to run away and never come back.

[Hook - Mary J. Blige]Runaway love [repeats 'til end]

Sunday, October 07, 2007 7:37 PM

7 th october 2007
Day a hundred and seventy seven.

i fought with my sister. it wasnt more like the again type of situation since the last i really fought with her was like years ago. it was over something stupid of which i totally had buried deep in my mind now. we fought in the room then. it ended with me threatening to break one of her best friends presents on the floor. she got angry and left the room in a puff and went to sharon's room to cry. the last fight we had ended all within a day or two but this one, i doubt it'll be easy to heal these wounds of mine.

this one didnt take place at home. there wasnt any shouting. it was more like a silent war between the both of us. so silent, we didnt even talk or answer phone calls. she called me a couple of times to ask about me. i didnt pick up. i didnt want to. there wasnt much to say to each other either.

the last straw i took in was right in front of harbour town, just as we were about to leave the city for home. the yellow cat was only due to arrive in 33 minutes which was really stupid to wait for one bus to take you on a 10 minutes ride back to the city. i didnt want to wait, neither did she.

'let's take any bus that goes back to the city busport.'

'most buses should go back there.'

how WOULD YOU know?

'well, should be right?

i mean we could check

she waved at me to check it out, as she stood there crossed arm. clearly, she wasnt happy with me. i knew it but yet i didnt say anything.

i went to the board to check out the directions. there wasnt any. i went back to report it to her.

so we walk?

walk? as in from here to the city?

yeah. the last i did that with my friends. it was a lot faster.

walk lor, i walked with my friends also.

somehow, she wasnt happy with walking. i dont know but her tell tale signs all pointed that she was disappointed with me. i asked her.

why are you so moody today?

why ARE YOU always shouting at me as though im in the wrong?

who SAID i was shouting at you?

i didnt. more like YOU WERE shouting at me.

since when? you started this morning and even since yesterday.

yesterday, it was your fault you didnt tell me about your plans.

fine yesterday was my fault, im sorry.

but why today?

you woke up late today, we left the house late because of you.

fine! but it wasnt as though you were like going to die if you were late.

at this point, the situation got ugly. i dont know but i got really pissed off over the whole day facing her tantrums and complains. she couldnt stand me either. we parted ways. i walked before her. but at the road junction, as i was waiting for the green man to flash, our paths crossed again. she walked before me and the green man didnt even gave the signal yet. i didnt care for the next few ones either. i just kept crossing one road afterr another, watching for cars but yet not waiting for the green man. i couldnt care less. she was behind me once again.

i never walked so fast in my life before. it was mostly all pent up anger since days before that made me walk that fast. my legs were burning from right under me. i wore my black slippers that day. not a good choice since it wasnt really meant for walking long distances. my feet ached so much. i just kept on walking. my feet or my anger? i chose the latter. red sores on my feet because evident. i couldnt hide it more or less. we walked all the way from harbourtown back to the busport.

all this while, while i thought i had lost her, i didnt. i was merely fooling myself in my angst. she was right behind my trail all along just that we took different paths. i thought i lost her in the city yet i didnt. she was smart enough to find her way back. we met again, not literally since she didnt see me. she crossed at the junction to her left. i crossed to the front.

i felt confused for a moment. i wanted to be angry at her. yet another part of me wanted her to be safe. i didnt know if she knew how to walk back to the bus port. i kept looking at her while she crossed to the other side. but i knew she was a smart girl, she got herself all far out to where i was already even when i thought i had lost her.

cross the road dummy. you need to get to the other side.

she couldnt hear me, well, she wouldnt since i didnt literally say it out loud. i kept on walking. my feet ached even more as i was rushing for time to catch the bus. i wondered if she'll take the same bus as me. i wanted her to, but on the other i didnt want to face her on the bus. it didnt make a difference since i'll still be seeing her at home. i couldnt stay out. this wasnt singapore. i dont know this country well enough to stay out in the dark.

i got to the busport. another 2 more minutes. she wasnt here yet. the bus was leaving soon. i boarded it in time but she wasnt here. i held onto my phone tightly. charmaine, please come soon. it's leaving soon. if you miss this, you have to wait for the next one half an hour later. i hid into a back seat, looked at my phone in anticipation of her message.

i saw her. that white jacket she was wearing when i last left her at harbourtown. she came down the escalator in a hurry. she was in a frenzy. she didnt know if i was on the bus or if i was still in the city. clearly she was worried for me. i wanted to feel for that yet i hardened so hard in my heart then that i couldnt feel anything. she called me. i didnt answer. she look around even on the bus, i tried to hide in my seat yet i chose a wrong one. it was facing her. she was smart enough. i think she spotted me. she boarded the bus. she sat in the front while i was at the back.

the bus ride was quiet. even though i had a roudy group sitting right in front of me. my tears didnt respect my decision. they flowed out. i wiped them past my eyes. i felt disturbed. i didnt answer any of her calls yet i wanted to tell her i was safe and on the same bus as her. i closed my eyes telling myself this was all just a dream. it wasnt real yet my tears played on my feelings. i couldnt close my eyes any longer, these tears wont obey even with my eyes shut tight. i strained them opened looking at things past by me on the freeway. trees, buses, cars and even people walking hand in hand. i felt worst. i cried again.

youre a FOOL amanda! stupid why cry! youre such a big girl already.

i dont care. i just let them flow out. once ive cried enough these tears wont flow anymore. my heart wont hurt no longer once ive tired them out. i wont feel no nothing. it'll be a different me, one with no feelings. ive numbed everything around me. i cant hear anything else except for the music in my ears. laughter of the people around me, talks from friends alike, i shut them all out, i turned on my volume.

the bus ride home was loney. i smsed mum. told her about my situation with my sister. i didnt want to worry her. it was bad enough the both of us werent talking. i didnt wat to worry my mum about me. i smsed another. the more they showed concern, the more i cried. i didnt want to reply another sms. it hurts when i see their text and yet all i have to reply back were all my angst that i could give. my mind wasnt working right.

i had two options to get down. one right in front of livingston shopping mall and walk the long route home or the other, the shorter route. i wasnt sure of which to choose. i didnt want to walk the same lonely path home with her. i just couldnt bear to. if she had to withdraw money, she'll get off the first one if she didnt and only wanted to do so another day, she'll get off the next. i peeped over my seat to see over to where she sat. she sat near the door so that she might be able to catch hold of me if i ever got down.

the bus alighted at the mall. i looked over my seat. she didnt get off. people were slowly getting off their seats and out of the bus. i took the opportunity to do the same. she didnt see. i rushed out of the bus. and ran behind some cars before she noticed that i was missing from the bus. the bus left immediately after i left. she was all alone on the bus. i left her there. my heart hurts again.

i walked past behind some shops. she alighted at the next stop. i waited by the petrol kiosk where she couldnt see me. she walked to the junction. my handphone beeped. she smsed me asking where i was. she got worried. i didnt reply. she called. i didnt pick up. i watch her from where i was. she crossed over to the other side of the road. i wasnt ready to return home yet.

i walked into mccafe and got myself a hot mocha. i needed the break. my nerves were tensed up from that bus ride, feet numb from that long walk and my heart bleeds from the smses ive got. i grabbed a seat by the side where no one would sit next to. i chose a great spot. the next table couldnt be sat in since it had icecream stains on the corner so i had the whole corner and table to myself. i needed the peace to sort out my stuff.

the mocha was nice but yet it tasted salty. mocha never tasted so salty before. i guess it was my tears that ran down my sides to my chin after it dripped into the mocha i was drinking. i grabbed out my notes to read. somehow, i managed to read past a chapter. in between sips of coffee, i read and memorise my notes. at least it took me off my mind off things that were happening right now. i ignored smses from people. she called again. i guess she reached home. im glad. i didnt want her lost because of me. at least, i knew i was safe. mum smsed. she was worried for me. i confessed on my whereabouts. having one person worried over me was unbearable let alone two. i had three.

i think i looked stupid crying to myself over a cup of mocha and my notes. i didnt care. i needed to let out my angst. i couldnt keep it in. these tear stained marks wouldnt leave my face even after ive wiped them off. the skies cried along with me. it dizzled. i couldnt go home. not because of the rains, i would walk home in them as ive done before. i just couldnt go home yet. not just yet.

i waited in the only place i could have shelter and comfort from everything around me. i hid away in my seat. i felt secure. i didnt want to go home. dinner was waiting for me at 545pm. i had to be back by then. i was done with my mocha. there wasnt much to stay behind for. i wanted to grab another mocha. i needed that but i needed my sleep also. i couldnt risk staying up tonight.

the walk home was cold. it was so much for the fact because of the cold winds blowing past. i hadnt bring along my jacket. today was supposed to be a sunny day. but because i felt cold inside my heart. ive had fights with her before but never this serious. this incident i cant forgive myself. it might take a few days before my wounds heal. ive been scarred badly.

i dont remember getting so pissed off before with her. this wasnt supposed to happen. i was supposed to take it in my stride and keep quiet just as i always had for the past few times. i just wasnt in the mood to take anymore of her tantrums. not today.

the past few days, ive been that target for her to release everything out upon. either its because of me alwas being in the picture or mainly because i was the only one close enough for her to complain physically to. i held it in my stride. my mum told me to. well, indirectly she told me i ought to let my sister know how i felt. i did! i told her nicely a few days back and this has to happen right after she totally sulked that night i told her.

i dont know if you realised. but ive been keeping quiet all this while while you released your angry upon me. be it school or your troubles, ive always been that target. you blame your troubles on me. everything you try to find someone else to take the blame so that you wouldnt feel so bad about it, and that someone else you had to pick was me.

when things didnt work out your way, blame it on me. it'll make you feel a whole lot better. when you couldnt find out the reasoning to something, you questioned me. amanda is supposed to know everything since she was here before i was, i had to learn things the hard way when i was all alone. there wasnt anyone i could ask for help when i needed, no one to shed my tears on when i wanted to, no one to tantrum on when i felt like it. you had me and you took it for granted. im no toy you know. im your sister.

somehow, i try so hard to forget all those past things you used to blame upon me. but i cant. im sorry. its all so clear on the number of things you used to blame upon me.

when youre computer didnt seem to respond to you, you got fed up with it and starting blaming it. although most of the blames started to fall on me since i was in that same room as you. you never knew, but your complains and tantrums can really drive me round the nut. i helped you with it a couple of times. i wasnt a real genius. i never was. dad didnt give me any computing skills. i was worst than you when it came to computers. but yet i got the problem fixed. i gave it back to you. no thank yous. no smile of gratitude. no nothing. everything was back to normal and you totally forgot about me.

you blamed me when things didnt go your way. you turn your angst towards me when you couldnt handle your own stress. i have my own to deal with, but yet i dealt with all of them. even before you came. i faced them alone and only had help through an imaginary wall of internet of which i heard from friends and family.

we stepped into the healthcare shop. mum needed something from that shop. you wrote them in your phone. i followed behind. you tried to look for it on the first few shelves you laid your hands on but you gave up shortly after and passed me your phone in a huff. i didnt complain. you stomped your feet and got pissed off because the shop had so many pills and you couldnt make out head or tail to where you should start. i took the phone in my hands and looked through every aisle. you went the other way. i found it before you did. you went looking for me. im sorry but i didnt expect your first question.

'so where is it?'

i jumped back. i looked through a few shelves, afraid that i wasnt able to find it again.

nutralife right? er...

there i think. i checked everything out already. its the right one.

but i cant find the 100mg

so looked at the phone to doublecheck. she didnt trust me that i got it faster than her.

i found the 100mg hidden behind shortly after but they didnt display the price. she got irritated. i kept quiet.

she went to check it out with the owner on the price and asked if there was a double pack like my mum inquired about. he said it was coming in on shipment on either monday or tuesday but he said he would give it to us. a big and a small for the price of one. she was happy. we went back to the shelves to get another of those two. mum wanted two. i asked her how much was for the twin pack? and was it worth it as compared to mum's stated price, she got annoyed. she hadnt asked for the price. and yet she didnt want to admit. she shoved the basket in my face with the four bottles. and went back to the owner to inquire.

she came back with price. i asked her if she was buying. she was really annoyed with my constant asking.

'aiyah buy la buy la.'

i didnt want to say any further. i gave her back the basket and waited outside. i thought she knew what went wrong back there. i waited outside for her. she came out after a while. i took the bag from her and stuffed it into mine.

i thought going shopping would help each of us to smoothen out but it didnt. she complained more. i listened in, half taking in what she said. i didnt have the mood to listen in and comment on anything. i was quiet throughout the whole trip. she shopped for her tights but bought none. i didnt want to shop futher.

im sorry for the past few days. i know i hadnt informed you of decisions of which you had all planned out. that was my fault i admit to it. im sorry. i know ive caused you a great deal of worry for me because i had something up instead of going out with you. im sorry. i take it that it was all my fault then but those other few instances that was not related to this, i kept quiet. it was the simplest things that you blamed on me. it made you feel better and at ease that at least there was someone else to take the blame for it. well, if it helps you. i dont mind.

you complain about your workload and projects that were due on the same date. you complain about things not going your way. im just a seventeen year old what can i do? change your world so that it'll be a better place? i cant. im not that good to do that. i pray for help when i hear your complains. i pray that i wont get angry with you. i pray that you'll get over it soon. somehow, todays prayer didnt work out.

these lips wont open up. i dont know what to say to you now. im afraid to even talk to you. everything i say has something up against me. the past few days. ive been stupid enough to say so much to get myself hurt by your words. ive learnt from past mistakes. keep quiet. just listen and take in. dont complain then she wont have anything else to complain about. skittles told me that. i shallnt let any words pass by my lips. a morsel of food may touch my lips but not these words to you. so far since this afternoon, ive not spoken to you yet.

im not intending to. not tonight. not tommorrow till i get over it. till you get over it. you have to cool down. i need my space also. today just isnt for us. we sit at the corners of the room. you take the floor i take the bed. we see each other and avoid our eyes meeting.

you tell me next week is going to be tough for you. i know it will be. you ask me to tolerate your nonscence. i want to. but i just cant. just because you have your own problems with school, doesnt mean i dont have mind just because i dont have school. i have my studies. i have exams next two weeks. i cant be tolerating you all the time.

im tired mentally but my mind wont rest. the coffee did it. i cant sleep well. even without the coffee problem. ive got too much on my mind. i had a silent war with my sister and im not feeling too good about it. im sorry.

Saturday, October 06, 2007 8:30 PM

so im not exactly all fat,

since ive been out for runs whenever i can drag my sister out after her school. lazing at home, studying all day and eating has only made me put on weight during the school term study break. i have to go out, breathe some fresh air, get a life and RUN!

WHO KNOWS. i might catch some hot guy running past on the opposite road and accidentally bang myself against the pole so that he'll run over and ask me if i was alright. AHAH im just joking.

the weathers hot, the winds are blowing. i couldnt think of a better day to run out in the sun with my sister of course. i do need a companion. although i mostly run myself at my speed and she her own. i need my phone of course. since i listen to music while i run.

how i wish 2.4 in schools allowed us to use our ipods to run. i run so much better with music in my ears, or why not add like a couple of hot track or canoeing guys training by the side to help me to run BETTER? haha i serioiusly dont mind;D smirks.

we cut short our runs from quite a long one when we first started to a shorter one by almost half woohoo;D we both rock for not stopping halfway. we did two rounds. one after other with a tiny short, i mean short break in between them HAHA.

i think i was thinking of something or someone before i dazed out.

i like being short for that matter i can reach my head to my kneecap. HAHA.

todays run was tiring. i did my fastest at the long stretch of road leaving my sister behind and had to wait for her at the end of it before we turned into the street. she slept early. i didnt. HAHA. somehow i got used to running long distances from canoeing. thank you for training for stamina! thank god i dont faint anymore. HAHA. those 5 kms we did for training helped me a lot.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007 10:13 PM

chariots of fire.

they say its a yearly thing at canning college to organise such an event to mark the end of the school year. i was glad i took part in some of it. rather fun though i wished there were more sun shining rather than the rains that showered.

the event took off right before class ended but john let us off early after we finished our test. the smell of freshly grilled hot dogs over the stove was damm good. i pulled my brother along by his sleeve to buy a bun. he didnt want to eat. oh wait, he doesnt eat at all after i told him he was fat. he;s been on a diet,. (nope, im just kidding. he just doesnt eat lunch) but somehow, it was an exception for today, he accused me of tempting him to buy one too. oh rights, now its MY fault. HEY the last i bought chips for lunch. you ended up at macs right after school. not my fault that i made food seem so attractive after i buy them. some people should just pay me to shoot for their food ads rather than spend on hefty costs on a professional one with no results.

ivan complained that he didnt get as much grilled onions as me. MUA HA HA . i told you my looks got me the best. well, the girl serving them was just biased towards guys i think. i had my hotdog bun done by her too and it was great!

guys vs guys tug of war. though there was a click to this. it was more like the asian guys to the australian born guys. you should have seen the size and height difference. you would have laughed seeing them squirm to pull the rope. the asian guys won although i cant believe how.

ivan's the one in green. he's really cute ( always the one sitting in the front of the class, asking the most questions and doing most of the work set, a teacher's pet. i agree and he admits it so) it was hilarious since he was the only white in this pic while the rest were black. my brother dumped him and stood at the side leaving him to be the only white although my brother was BROWN.

the teachers had their very own tug of war against the students. this was like revenge on all the naughty little things we did to them. it was such a good fight that even old guys that reached ages of above 5o had the winning hand to this game. the students couldnt even outbeat and outplay their teachers.

not bad. i made the cut into the photographers choice. HAHA. my picture got published on the student net WOOOHOO

every one won something. i won laughter with friends and even a time break off from economics class. WOOHOOO trust me even though it's just 10 mins off class period, well thats a lot. since stuart cramps everything he can find within a peiod.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007 9:14 PM

2nd october 2007
Day a hundred and seventy two.

i had a full day today. a full day class during the study break that i SUPPOSED to have but with all the coming back for extra lessons, i doubt i'll even be able to sit myself down and study for my terms. each lesson was 4 hours each and boy, did i ever want to vomit.

i came late for english. i couldnt, just couldnt drag myself out of bed to go to school by 8 so i delayed by an hour. the whole four hours, i totally wasted my time when it could have been spend sleeping instead. john made us watch 'bowling for columbine' by michael moore ( that idiot guy- whom jess hates for his sarcasm, it gets me sometimes also, though i always loved his remarks against the US prep). an american yet he's talking bad about his own country.

we spent the next two hours having morning tea. it was jess' birthday the following day and john's the day before, so she got cake PASSIONFRUIT CHEESECAKE. john got the coffee and the biscuits from the refreshments lounge and nina the nachos and dipping sauce. gosh, boy did i miss cheesecake though i already had my own fill on sunday with charmaine then. but i have got to let you in on this one. it was heavenly. i wouldnt regret coming for english for 4 hours just to have that BIG slice of cake. it was as big as two palms together. awesome. the cheese melted in youre mouth. the cake simply disintegrated and melted into your tongue. leaving only the seeds of the passionfuit. OMG it was so good. i took my time to finish it up. i had coffee. i didnt know how to take espresso coffee, so john poured me some milk in it and gave me the whole box of sugar cubes. i tried one but it still tasted like dad's coffee maybe even worst. i took 5 more helpings of sugar. tempted to take one cube and just stick it in my mouth and let it dissolve in my tongue but i didnt.

lunch. we went together to karawara to eat kebabs. HAHA it was funny because there were like wthe three of us sharing one small kebab with celest's lunch of mee fen. and that's about it. i had a heavy brunch from the cheesecake so i didnt order much. it was laughable since john saw us there. he tapped on my shoulder while i was eating. i turned and to my surprise this small round teddy bear with specs on looking straight down at me. i know im short enough and even more so for sitting down but it was really funny since he just looked at me in surprise. i looked and tried to register for a moment on the identity of mr teddy bear.

i screamed. he jumped. well CAN YOU IMAGINE A SMALL TEDDY BEAR JUMP? so cute! HAHA. they laughed at me. JOHN! aggh you gave me a scare. ( i think at this point, i had like er lettuce dropping out of my mouth) dont ask. but i think he was still shocked at my LATE er reaction. he asked us why we were here we asked the same. john's one teacher everyone loves hanging out with. he's just so cute! aggh.

we went to coles right after eating and did shopping for snacks for econs class right on. i bought nachos again with chocolate bars. celest got mashmallows. HAHA. should be enough to fill my appetite for the afternoon. HAHA.

i skipped the first lecture on econs and went for the second just for the test only. the test was alright. it wasnt too bad i think.HAHA. i came to school in the afternoon just for one stupid test which was only an hour. AGGH. and my brother ditched me again. he overslept so i had to take the bus home again on my own and had no one to share the leftover chips with. i went home full and couldnt eat much rice. i had too much nachos in my tummy to think right.

8:48 PM

a very nice story i came across in an email from a friend. i thought i'll share it with the people i love and friends alike.

i know i've hurt someone really badly through my words the other day. i cant take them back since they have already left my mouth and on that day, i said it like i meant it. i can only ask for your forgiveness because i myself cant forgive my own self for what ive said through these lips of mine. ive said things that have hurt the people i loved in my lifetime. things that shouldnt even be thought of at that second of anger, things that should never have left my mouth.

i regret yet i cant take them back. ive said them yet i cant recover what's being said. ive tried to forget yet these painful memories keep coming back to haunt me.

Monday, October 01, 2007 9:25 PM

30th september 2007

Day a hundred and seventy.

we found another playground! gosh, fine i know we're all like seventeen and nineteen but we both have a thang for playgrounds. we have this stupid habit of scouting for new playgrounds to interest our childhoods. thank you, but we were'nt deprived of playgrounds when we were younger. my mum used to take us to the sandy one right outside our old bukit batok home.

it was weird since we were like two super childish kids there playing on the swings and screaming as though we were a pair of retarded kids. she had a lot of fun asking me to do all the work. do you know how much i had to push so she could fly up? crazy and she still wanted me to push harder. i had to tell her countless times my cork did HURT and she still made me do it even when i had this stupid device in my hands while trying to film this shot. thanks a lot sister. i couldnt walk straight after that. i had to walk with my legs apart cos it felt like that was something in the middle that's still there.

we went to mccafe to eat lunch since i was already bored of fried chicken for lunch the other two last trips back there. charmaine didnt want any bread for lunch so we settled for just a drink or two and a slice of cheesecake for lunch. i had my mocha to stay awake while she had her iced chocolate for lunch.