Saturday, October 13, 2007 12:42 AM
12th october 2007Day a hundred and eighty two.
the weeks are so long. i count them each day thinking im one day ahead to coming back home but yet these days pass so slowly. my days stretch from as early as 9 am from when i arise from bed to 1230pm when i turn back into the same bed that sees only the wrinkles from the turns that i make at night.
yes. i cant sleep well. the days have been all so long. i study till my head hurts. the pain throbs liek the beating of drums within. i tell myself ive been putting too much stress into studying but yet my paper denies this. the number of ticks on the paper isnt enough to assure me that ive done enough for the day. i write the chapters down for each subject, hoping that for everyday's past, i'll be able to strike off a few. ive tried but yet it's not getting anywhere.
economics is on monday. i still have junk loads to memorise and study on. my friends tell me ive been putting too much pressure on myself. i leave little time to relax. my mornings, afternoons and nights have all been dedicated to studying with only the hours before the clock strikes midnight to chat with friends before i turn in. the days are long yet the nights are short.
im tired. very tired. this exams are even worst off than the o levels. i need my friends to study with. its so hard to meet up with everyone here. places are far and not much places are opened on a weekend. i study alone yet the air is so much more stifling at home. i need the peace yet i hate it. the quietness kills my ear drums, they pierce right through. i want to shout yet i cant.
exams are just next week. it's getting to me somehow. im afraid i cant perform up to expectations. i want to do well, yet im passing my own judgement that i cant. i might lose this battle even before i tred further on. my body and mind cant take it anymore. i need pills yet i dont wish to pop any in. i cant sleep well. i toss and turn. my bedsheets creases underneath my weight.
this is just amanda when she's tired. all so tired. i cant think right anymore. my brain cant function when a question pops right through. i think of studies and my body goes into spasms. i shake hard from fear. i dont wish to disappoint my mum anymore. it was bad enough i didnt get the stupid scholarship ( the school ended giving to australian CITIZENS instead) i was stupid enough to think i gain a chance. i give myself chances in this new light yet i keep finding myself disappointed with the results.
im not me anymore. just not for these few weeks. i need home so badly. i miss it like memories ive lost and yet im holding back unto them like a foolish child who wouldnt leave her doll aside. i miss having fun. and when im having fun, i think i'll forget about studies.
