Saturday, October 13, 2007 1:02 AM
13th october 2007Day a hundred and eighty three.
dont call me by my name. i dont want to be known as amanda anymore. you use my name yet you hardly even knew me. you shout abuses at me using the very name my parents gave me. amanda. it was meant to be 'beloved' and yet i dont feel any love from the people who use my name in this very household.
you find it amusing to hurt me using my name. just because my name sounds better than the others, you use it against me for your own applease.
your day hasnt been going well for you. you dont like the way it turned out against you and you feel like venting your anger on someone else. that someone else was me. my name you used to shout your abuses or blames on was the name : amanda.
amanda gets blamed for everything that hasnt been going well for you. from things that you dont get according to your way or when you get fed up because someone else takes it out upon you and yet you have to find me in turn to applease that very anger that has been built up. i take the last blow. the last blow that happens to hurt the most. i take it all in and yet i have not said anything.
i cant risk blowing up. i sit on the same dinner table as you and yet i feel a great wall in between us. we sit opposite each other. not exactly but yet youre always onto me. you do have a grudge against me do you or do you merely have a grudge against amanda? i dont want to listen to your excuses. ive heard enough.
you sulk at amanda when she doesnt listen to your remarks. it hurts her but yet she cant risk crying either. ive heard similar ones from you but yet everytime it still gets to me. i hate it but yet i cant say it. i cant take sarcastic remarks from you. i turn my head down to hide myself. people turn their heads down in shame yet i turn mine to shield this very face and my honour from your remarks that cut deep.
you question me. you didnt like that fact that my head was down or why i didnt reply any of your remarks. i havent done anything against myself to accuse my own self of this wrongdoing. i wont go against my own honour and betray myself to give you the slightest nod of my head to agree to what youre saying.
i dont like dinner times. if i had to go hungry and skip them, i would but yet i cant. my body needs the food to keep me going throughout the night. i eat less because ive lost my appetite from the studying. i want to leave the table right after im done but yet i cant. my responsibility holds me back. i have to do the dishes with my sister. i wait at the table while you eat. i pretend to watch the telly but you knew better i was avoiding you. you didnt like it. you shout again.
everyday, i go through the same momentum. i wish to go back home. dinner times back home were so much better. my mum banned the telly so we could share our experiences of the day with everyone. i talk the most at dinners but yet i still finish before the rest only to have my dad always being the first that is. it's completely different here. i cant talk much having someone on the other side of the table judge whatever i say to be wrong. he says i cant talk like that because im not cool enough or that i was just lying. do i look like i would lie to you?
my words do not betray these lips and yet you curse me right under your breath. you ask that death befall on myself and then you'll be happy. well, guess what? im not living long either. i dont have much time left in my life. im sure you'll be happy when im gone. these words you curse right under your breath, i wonder would it have any impact on my lifespan. well i used to think not. but now i do. i'll be gone before you know it.
i dont want to lose it out on you. my exams are near the corner. i cannot take the stress im going through. i need support but yet i cant find any. instead, youre always there to put me down. everynight when all i need is just a little encouragement from someone saying ive done my best for today but yet i get something different from you.
my last term exams were bad enough. i had to sit through two major papers the very next day after i got myself into an accident which left me shaken throughout the night. i couldnt even think right and yet mum wasnt even there physically to assure me everything was going to be alright. my words betrayed my feelings when i told her i was fine. my sister knew the opposite. she sat by me the whole night. i wasnt fine. i was emotionally disturbed from the accident itself and yet i had to study.
i dont wish to go through the same thing this exams. i cant deal with anymore of this nonsense. i need to concentrate for my studies. i dont care if you call me a nerd or that i need to get a life. i will after this exams. even more so, i'll show you what it means to get a life.
for now, just call me nicole. that would be me. i dont want to be called by the name my parents gave me of which you used so frivously. you think its a joke that i was called that name just for you to use it against me. amanda. well, im not responding to that name ever again. somehow, i dont even know who she is anymore. she's just someone i knew from the past and has already long gone. thats amanda. no more.
i need a break. or it should be more like, i need to break.
