Tuesday, October 16, 2007 7:36 PM
16th october 2007Day a hundred and eighty six.
two exams have already passed and yet anotehr three more to go. im blogging because i dont have the mood to study for accounts. im blogging because my night has been affected by what ive heard and im not feeling myself about it.
im returning on the 21st of january. returning as in here to perth and studying my uni education for years till god knows when i can even come back with the allowance of my parents. im sorry but i just feel a whole lot of disappointment.
you know how you dreamt of something so badly and yet someone has to tell you in the face to face the reality that it's never going to happen? well you fall just like i did. i fell from the highest and hit the solid bare cold hard ground just below. it hurts.
two months to spend while im back in singapore. just these two months before i leave for good. i use the word good because i know no of when im even coming back ever again. i was told three months that i had and im now left with two. i fight for things so hard in life and yet the more i do, the more i face disappointment.
it wasnt easy convincing my mum to allow me to change my date for the return flight. just one week more everyone says. im sure you can stay one week for your sister to arrive home with her. well, i cant. one week means a lot to me if it means i only have two months to spend with singapore when im back. i dont consider two months long if it's compared with years here in perth.
she came late for me. im not complaining. i dont ask her to come early for me either, everyone is selfish and only want to benefit themselves. if i were in her position, i would do the same. stay in singapore as long as i can delay. now that im given the option to arrive home early, im taking it before anyone does.
so much for seventeen. this year hasnt been great at all. i spent my birthday over the webcam and phone, hearing the voices of the ones i love, telling me its alright. birthday wishes to a very special girl yet it didnt feel like a birthday at all. the heavens were crying on my birthday. my day's horrible with homework stashed up on my desk. i miss home then. i miss home even more now.
my year hasnt been great. six months away from home. home is just a five hour flight away and yet it feels so far. not in distance but in my heart. i cant feel any warmth from the place i once call home. i miss the feeling of being at home. that feeling is lost now. i cant find it. i search under the covers and find nothing. i search in the bin to see if i had wrongly threw it in there in my anger, yet i found nothing, someone might have already emptied the bin. i lost home. i couldnt find it.
i sit in a corner. i cry myself to sleep yet my eyes cant close. they become small from the crying. yet they cant close. i close and i see someone taking my home away from me. i still cant find it. i blame myself. did i really throw it down the bin. i cant lose it. i need it so badly. i feel a part of me lost. two months of home yet i dont know how it's going to be. ive lost so much to regain the feeling of finding it again.
coming back home wont be the same again. it wont be the same when i was back home a year ago. meals times might be the same but yet it'll be somewhat different. going out with friends will be the same but yet somehow things might be different. talking conversations might be the same with those around yet the same feeling isnt there. it would be a different feeling. ive missed out on a year. in that year, ive been here and you guys back home. ive missed on happenings, ive missed out on laughter and smiles. ive missed out on more than what i can lose. i dont have much to remember for now. ive lost so much.
i sit up from my crouch. and drag the bin towards myself. i rummage through the rubbish once more. i call out for home yet i cant find it. i hear no response. no one is calling. everyone has left. no one has forgotten me yet i feel lost without them. i heard them over msn yet it isnt the same as back home. phone calls are different. smses might be the same but the feeling aint there. i pick up heaps of wasted tissue crumpled from the soaks of my tears. i pick up crushed papers that i threw into the bin. papers that ive used to jot my work from the present day here and yet they all end up going into the bin. my bin is full of rubbish and yet i cant find home.
i need my eighteen year. i wish to forget seventeen as much as i can. memory hurts. i need time to pass for me. i need to turn the hands of the clock forward to the next year before i lose anymore. if time wouldnt pass for me. let me be trapped in this endless cycle of seventeen then. let me end it here.
