Friday, October 19, 2007 9:43 PM
19th october 2007.
Day a hundred and eighty nine.
im officially done with my college term exams. yet, in another thirteen days, i'll be sitting for my first TEE exams on the 2nd of november. thirteen days, that just leaves me less than two weeks to study for the final leg of my race. less than two weeks to wrap up on whether i had on my studies to take the national exams in november.
ive spent six months of my seventeen here in perth. a place so far away from home and yet at just seventeen, ive spent half a year here. someone once told me the longest wait is not created by the amount of time passed, but by your mind. all this while, i had to psyche myself into the thought that i was going to come home soon. now, i dont have to do it anymore.
im coming home soon. in twenty nine days time, you'll have me back in your arms. i'll be back home where i belong. where six months had taken me to a different place, these two months back home will be the ones that i'll treasure the most. where i have lived my past days here like the days would start in the early mornings for school and end by evening before i retire into bed, thinking of the number of days i have left till i return, it wont be the same when im home.
ive lived half my seventeen here thinking that the days would pass soon enough for me to return home. my life clockwork ticked with the same moments lived through everyday. half my seventeen was spent here studying for a better tommorrow. and yet, these better tommorrows always felt the same. i wake up from bed for school and retire into the same deep sleep. these better tommorrows were supposed to carve out a better future, but yet the more i give into it, the more i lose.
six months, ive given up half my life as a seventeen year old, studying hard for my parents, working hard for my grades for my teachers and for the scholarship i need for university. i have a duty to honour and fufil. and yet, ive lost so much in my pursue for education, a better tommorrow. ive lost things that money cant buy.
a good education might get a good job with a hefty sum of salary each month but yet i dont want it. it might get me respect from friends and colleagues but as opposed to friendships of years ive lost? it takes time to build up on friendships again. time. somehow, i dont like the word.
they said time heals all wounds. they lied. time has passed for me these few months and yet the same wounds i had when i came here still remains untouched. i cover them up yet with everytime i hurt again, it reopens the wound and cuts much deeper into the rawness of the skin.
time. they told me they'll wait for my return. i tell myself i cant wait either but yet my last days here are spend in total denial that these days will pass fast for me. twenty nine days more to home as compared to a hundred and eighty nine days from home. im afraid i'll be reaching my two hundred soon.
has any daughter had to spend her life away from home for such a long period of time? the word time pops out again. i have to face it though im scared. im seventeen only. im not afraid of the dark. im afraid of being alone. im afraid of time. im afraid of how much more i have to sacrifice in this wait. im just afraid of losing more than what i have. ive lost enough already.
mum, i miss home. i miss it a lot. i miss the sound of laughter and warmth in the house. be it dinner meals that we have together or going out as a family, i miss everything. i miss all the times ( moments) that we have together. i miss my bed back home. i miss my room. although these are all tangible assets, but yet my bed back home still feels different. the air in the room is different. it has the smell of love.
twenty nine days more and i'll be back. thirty six more days and she'll be back. thirty six more days and our family will be reunited again. once more. two months before we split up again. i count my days spent together and forward my counting to days i can finally spent it together with you all. i dont like the effect time has on me. i dont like playing games with it.
time has made my seventeen year a long and weary one. im tired metally. any seventeen year old shouldnt be going through what im going through. these six months has aged me. i feel older than i should be. im tired. i need to take a break. i steady myself before the fall. i have fallen too many times. my knees have bled from the impact on the grounds from the past wounds that have scarred me for life.
let these twenty nine days pass soon for me. i need time to fast forward now. if i had a wish, i'll ask for a control of time. i need time to work for me. it's always been the other way around. ive been working so hard for time, and yet in my pursuit for it, ive lost more than i can imagine.
i dont wish to turn back to look at the things ive lost and given up upon in my pursuit of this new life. i need a second chance. a second chance at life. these two months back ive given myself a new lease to life. ive cried enough. my eyes have teared too much for this life. i tell myself to stop but yet i cant. i need to smile. i need to learn at how to laugh again. if i had one more day to live, i'll live it with no regrets.
this is me. i need to change. it makes no difference. ive been through enough changes made in my life all in this year. my seventeen. it was never good to start off with. now im ending it with a bang! at least there would be something worth celebrating my birthday then. 24th april, a special day for a special girl as what someone would say. i wont make it just a day. i'll make it for the next few months im back home in singapore.
17th november. my new lease to life. my second chance. my happy ending.
