Sunday, October 07, 2007 7:37 PM
7 th october 2007Day a hundred and seventy seven.
i fought with my sister. it wasnt more like the again type of situation since the last i really fought with her was like years ago. it was over something stupid of which i totally had buried deep in my mind now. we fought in the room then. it ended with me threatening to break one of her best friends presents on the floor. she got angry and left the room in a puff and went to sharon's room to cry. the last fight we had ended all within a day or two but this one, i doubt it'll be easy to heal these wounds of mine.
this one didnt take place at home. there wasnt any shouting. it was more like a silent war between the both of us. so silent, we didnt even talk or answer phone calls. she called me a couple of times to ask about me. i didnt pick up. i didnt want to. there wasnt much to say to each other either.
the last straw i took in was right in front of harbour town, just as we were about to leave the city for home. the yellow cat was only due to arrive in 33 minutes which was really stupid to wait for one bus to take you on a 10 minutes ride back to the city. i didnt want to wait, neither did she.
'let's take any bus that goes back to the city busport.'
'most buses should go back there.'
how WOULD YOU know?
'well, should be right?
i mean we could check
she waved at me to check it out, as she stood there crossed arm. clearly, she wasnt happy with me. i knew it but yet i didnt say anything.
i went to the board to check out the directions. there wasnt any. i went back to report it to her.
so we walk?
walk? as in from here to the city?
yeah. the last i did that with my friends. it was a lot faster.
walk lor, i walked with my friends also.
somehow, she wasnt happy with walking. i dont know but her tell tale signs all pointed that she was disappointed with me. i asked her.
why are you so moody today?
why ARE YOU always shouting at me as though im in the wrong?
who SAID i was shouting at you?
i didnt. more like YOU WERE shouting at me.
since when? you started this morning and even since yesterday.
yesterday, it was your fault you didnt tell me about your plans.
fine yesterday was my fault, im sorry.
but why today?
you woke up late today, we left the house late because of you.
fine! but it wasnt as though you were like going to die if you were late.
at this point, the situation got ugly. i dont know but i got really pissed off over the whole day facing her tantrums and complains. she couldnt stand me either. we parted ways. i walked before her. but at the road junction, as i was waiting for the green man to flash, our paths crossed again. she walked before me and the green man didnt even gave the signal yet. i didnt care for the next few ones either. i just kept crossing one road afterr another, watching for cars but yet not waiting for the green man. i couldnt care less. she was behind me once again.
i never walked so fast in my life before. it was mostly all pent up anger since days before that made me walk that fast. my legs were burning from right under me. i wore my black slippers that day. not a good choice since it wasnt really meant for walking long distances. my feet ached so much. i just kept on walking. my feet or my anger? i chose the latter. red sores on my feet because evident. i couldnt hide it more or less. we walked all the way from harbourtown back to the busport.
all this while, while i thought i had lost her, i didnt. i was merely fooling myself in my angst. she was right behind my trail all along just that we took different paths. i thought i lost her in the city yet i didnt. she was smart enough to find her way back. we met again, not literally since she didnt see me. she crossed at the junction to her left. i crossed to the front.
i felt confused for a moment. i wanted to be angry at her. yet another part of me wanted her to be safe. i didnt know if she knew how to walk back to the bus port. i kept looking at her while she crossed to the other side. but i knew she was a smart girl, she got herself all far out to where i was already even when i thought i had lost her.
cross the road dummy. you need to get to the other side.
she couldnt hear me, well, she wouldnt since i didnt literally say it out loud. i kept on walking. my feet ached even more as i was rushing for time to catch the bus. i wondered if she'll take the same bus as me. i wanted her to, but on the other i didnt want to face her on the bus. it didnt make a difference since i'll still be seeing her at home. i couldnt stay out. this wasnt singapore. i dont know this country well enough to stay out in the dark.
i got to the busport. another 2 more minutes. she wasnt here yet. the bus was leaving soon. i boarded it in time but she wasnt here. i held onto my phone tightly. charmaine, please come soon. it's leaving soon. if you miss this, you have to wait for the next one half an hour later. i hid into a back seat, looked at my phone in anticipation of her message.
i saw her. that white jacket she was wearing when i last left her at harbourtown. she came down the escalator in a hurry. she was in a frenzy. she didnt know if i was on the bus or if i was still in the city. clearly she was worried for me. i wanted to feel for that yet i hardened so hard in my heart then that i couldnt feel anything. she called me. i didnt answer. she look around even on the bus, i tried to hide in my seat yet i chose a wrong one. it was facing her. she was smart enough. i think she spotted me. she boarded the bus. she sat in the front while i was at the back.
the bus ride was quiet. even though i had a roudy group sitting right in front of me. my tears didnt respect my decision. they flowed out. i wiped them past my eyes. i felt disturbed. i didnt answer any of her calls yet i wanted to tell her i was safe and on the same bus as her. i closed my eyes telling myself this was all just a dream. it wasnt real yet my tears played on my feelings. i couldnt close my eyes any longer, these tears wont obey even with my eyes shut tight. i strained them opened looking at things past by me on the freeway. trees, buses, cars and even people walking hand in hand. i felt worst. i cried again.
youre a FOOL amanda! stupid why cry! youre such a big girl already.
i dont care. i just let them flow out. once ive cried enough these tears wont flow anymore. my heart wont hurt no longer once ive tired them out. i wont feel no nothing. it'll be a different me, one with no feelings. ive numbed everything around me. i cant hear anything else except for the music in my ears. laughter of the people around me, talks from friends alike, i shut them all out, i turned on my volume.
the bus ride home was loney. i smsed mum. told her about my situation with my sister. i didnt want to worry her. it was bad enough the both of us werent talking. i didnt wat to worry my mum about me. i smsed another. the more they showed concern, the more i cried. i didnt want to reply another sms. it hurts when i see their text and yet all i have to reply back were all my angst that i could give. my mind wasnt working right.
i had two options to get down. one right in front of livingston shopping mall and walk the long route home or the other, the shorter route. i wasnt sure of which to choose. i didnt want to walk the same lonely path home with her. i just couldnt bear to. if she had to withdraw money, she'll get off the first one if she didnt and only wanted to do so another day, she'll get off the next. i peeped over my seat to see over to where she sat. she sat near the door so that she might be able to catch hold of me if i ever got down.
the bus alighted at the mall. i looked over my seat. she didnt get off. people were slowly getting off their seats and out of the bus. i took the opportunity to do the same. she didnt see. i rushed out of the bus. and ran behind some cars before she noticed that i was missing from the bus. the bus left immediately after i left. she was all alone on the bus. i left her there. my heart hurts again.
i walked past behind some shops. she alighted at the next stop. i waited by the petrol kiosk where she couldnt see me. she walked to the junction. my handphone beeped. she smsed me asking where i was. she got worried. i didnt reply. she called. i didnt pick up. i watch her from where i was. she crossed over to the other side of the road. i wasnt ready to return home yet.
i walked into mccafe and got myself a hot mocha. i needed the break. my nerves were tensed up from that bus ride, feet numb from that long walk and my heart bleeds from the smses ive got. i grabbed a seat by the side where no one would sit next to. i chose a great spot. the next table couldnt be sat in since it had icecream stains on the corner so i had the whole corner and table to myself. i needed the peace to sort out my stuff.
the mocha was nice but yet it tasted salty. mocha never tasted so salty before. i guess it was my tears that ran down my sides to my chin after it dripped into the mocha i was drinking. i grabbed out my notes to read. somehow, i managed to read past a chapter. in between sips of coffee, i read and memorise my notes. at least it took me off my mind off things that were happening right now. i ignored smses from people. she called again. i guess she reached home. im glad. i didnt want her lost because of me. at least, i knew i was safe. mum smsed. she was worried for me. i confessed on my whereabouts. having one person worried over me was unbearable let alone two. i had three.
i think i looked stupid crying to myself over a cup of mocha and my notes. i didnt care. i needed to let out my angst. i couldnt keep it in. these tear stained marks wouldnt leave my face even after ive wiped them off. the skies cried along with me. it dizzled. i couldnt go home. not because of the rains, i would walk home in them as ive done before. i just couldnt go home yet. not just yet.
i waited in the only place i could have shelter and comfort from everything around me. i hid away in my seat. i felt secure. i didnt want to go home. dinner was waiting for me at 545pm. i had to be back by then. i was done with my mocha. there wasnt much to stay behind for. i wanted to grab another mocha. i needed that but i needed my sleep also. i couldnt risk staying up tonight.
the walk home was cold. it was so much for the fact because of the cold winds blowing past. i hadnt bring along my jacket. today was supposed to be a sunny day. but because i felt cold inside my heart. ive had fights with her before but never this serious. this incident i cant forgive myself. it might take a few days before my wounds heal. ive been scarred badly.
i dont remember getting so pissed off before with her. this wasnt supposed to happen. i was supposed to take it in my stride and keep quiet just as i always had for the past few times. i just wasnt in the mood to take anymore of her tantrums. not today.
the past few days, ive been that target for her to release everything out upon. either its because of me alwas being in the picture or mainly because i was the only one close enough for her to complain physically to. i held it in my stride. my mum told me to. well, indirectly she told me i ought to let my sister know how i felt. i did! i told her nicely a few days back and this has to happen right after she totally sulked that night i told her.
i dont know if you realised. but ive been keeping quiet all this while while you released your angry upon me. be it school or your troubles, ive always been that target. you blame your troubles on me. everything you try to find someone else to take the blame so that you wouldnt feel so bad about it, and that someone else you had to pick was me.
when things didnt work out your way, blame it on me. it'll make you feel a whole lot better. when you couldnt find out the reasoning to something, you questioned me. amanda is supposed to know everything since she was here before i was, i had to learn things the hard way when i was all alone. there wasnt anyone i could ask for help when i needed, no one to shed my tears on when i wanted to, no one to tantrum on when i felt like it. you had me and you took it for granted. im no toy you know. im your sister.
somehow, i try so hard to forget all those past things you used to blame upon me. but i cant. im sorry. its all so clear on the number of things you used to blame upon me.
when youre computer didnt seem to respond to you, you got fed up with it and starting blaming it. although most of the blames started to fall on me since i was in that same room as you. you never knew, but your complains and tantrums can really drive me round the nut. i helped you with it a couple of times. i wasnt a real genius. i never was. dad didnt give me any computing skills. i was worst than you when it came to computers. but yet i got the problem fixed. i gave it back to you. no thank yous. no smile of gratitude. no nothing. everything was back to normal and you totally forgot about me.
you blamed me when things didnt go your way. you turn your angst towards me when you couldnt handle your own stress. i have my own to deal with, but yet i dealt with all of them. even before you came. i faced them alone and only had help through an imaginary wall of internet of which i heard from friends and family.
we stepped into the healthcare shop. mum needed something from that shop. you wrote them in your phone. i followed behind. you tried to look for it on the first few shelves you laid your hands on but you gave up shortly after and passed me your phone in a huff. i didnt complain. you stomped your feet and got pissed off because the shop had so many pills and you couldnt make out head or tail to where you should start. i took the phone in my hands and looked through every aisle. you went the other way. i found it before you did. you went looking for me. im sorry but i didnt expect your first question.
'so where is it?'
i jumped back. i looked through a few shelves, afraid that i wasnt able to find it again.
nutralife right? er...
there i think. i checked everything out already. its the right one.
but i cant find the 100mg
so looked at the phone to doublecheck. she didnt trust me that i got it faster than her.
i found the 100mg hidden behind shortly after but they didnt display the price. she got irritated. i kept quiet.
she went to check it out with the owner on the price and asked if there was a double pack like my mum inquired about. he said it was coming in on shipment on either monday or tuesday but he said he would give it to us. a big and a small for the price of one. she was happy. we went back to the shelves to get another of those two. mum wanted two. i asked her how much was for the twin pack? and was it worth it as compared to mum's stated price, she got annoyed. she hadnt asked for the price. and yet she didnt want to admit. she shoved the basket in my face with the four bottles. and went back to the owner to inquire.
she came back with price. i asked her if she was buying. she was really annoyed with my constant asking.
'aiyah buy la buy la.'
i didnt want to say any further. i gave her back the basket and waited outside. i thought she knew what went wrong back there. i waited outside for her. she came out after a while. i took the bag from her and stuffed it into mine.
i thought going shopping would help each of us to smoothen out but it didnt. she complained more. i listened in, half taking in what she said. i didnt have the mood to listen in and comment on anything. i was quiet throughout the whole trip. she shopped for her tights but bought none. i didnt want to shop futher.
im sorry for the past few days. i know i hadnt informed you of decisions of which you had all planned out. that was my fault i admit to it. im sorry. i know ive caused you a great deal of worry for me because i had something up instead of going out with you. im sorry. i take it that it was all my fault then but those other few instances that was not related to this, i kept quiet. it was the simplest things that you blamed on me. it made you feel better and at ease that at least there was someone else to take the blame for it. well, if it helps you. i dont mind.
you complain about your workload and projects that were due on the same date. you complain about things not going your way. im just a seventeen year old what can i do? change your world so that it'll be a better place? i cant. im not that good to do that. i pray for help when i hear your complains. i pray that i wont get angry with you. i pray that you'll get over it soon. somehow, todays prayer didnt work out.
these lips wont open up. i dont know what to say to you now. im afraid to even talk to you. everything i say has something up against me. the past few days. ive been stupid enough to say so much to get myself hurt by your words. ive learnt from past mistakes. keep quiet. just listen and take in. dont complain then she wont have anything else to complain about. skittles told me that. i shallnt let any words pass by my lips. a morsel of food may touch my lips but not these words to you. so far since this afternoon, ive not spoken to you yet.
im not intending to. not tonight. not tommorrow till i get over it. till you get over it. you have to cool down. i need my space also. today just isnt for us. we sit at the corners of the room. you take the floor i take the bed. we see each other and avoid our eyes meeting.
you tell me next week is going to be tough for you. i know it will be. you ask me to tolerate your nonscence. i want to. but i just cant. just because you have your own problems with school, doesnt mean i dont have mind just because i dont have school. i have my studies. i have exams next two weeks. i cant be tolerating you all the time.
im tired mentally but my mind wont rest. the coffee did it. i cant sleep well. even without the coffee problem. ive got too much on my mind. i had a silent war with my sister and im not feeling too good about it. im sorry.
