Monday, November 05, 2007 9:44 PM
5th november 2007Day two hundred and five.
she had to yell my name out loud so that the whole household could hear her. it wasnt so much the fact that i couldnt hear her, it was loud enough. even my sister had a shock when she heard my name being called out. it was rather the fact that no one has ever shouted my name out loud since 7 months ago.
the last i heard someone shout my name was back home in singapore. and that person was my mum, chasing me off to bathe since it was getting dark. other than that, she has never raised her voice on me. the last she did that was when i was very young and needed to be taught a lesson. a lesson of which i kinda forgot already. the second person to raise her voice at me had to be her. of all people, it had to be her.
she yelled at me over something that obviously wasnt my fault to begin with. she couldnt find anyone to blame just then since everyone else was in their rooms. i was in mine. just that i made a big mistake. i left the room door ajar. she saw me lying on the bed and thats when i got it.
how could she have blamed it on me? the last she already did was 6 months ago, when i had just arrived in my first month. i didnt know how things were yet, so she gave me a 'good' talk when she didnt see things right. and this time, it was over the same thing. the toilet seat cover. how could she have thought that i would have forgotten about it since her last scolding 6 months ago? i never did. i left it up as always. i didnt even visit the loo just then, how could i have left it down then? she didnt even inquire and had to pick on someone easy, me.
i felt injustice done to me. i started to question my sister if she had went to the toilet just then. she did but she said the seat was already down when she went so she left it be. now so it wasnt anyone of us, and ive already told you yet you didnt even apologise for your outburst just then. instead, you stomped off to your bedroom and screamed for selina to lift the cover up instead. you weren't satisfied since she shouted back vulgarities at you for making her do it and blaming it on her also. you scolded her back in words even my own mum would not approve of.
she had to blame it on me again for the toilet seat. she gave the reasoning that when the seat was down and if you flushed, the water marks would be left on the seat itself and this makes it hard to clean off later. i gave up trying to put the seat down and later lift it up after i was done. i pee with the seat up even though the cold hard metal sides were cold enough to freeze my bum, i didnt dare to lift the seat down.
it was funny how my mum can be so well mannered in her words and yet you werent. she never used vulgarities on any one of her own children, yet you used it on your own grandkids. my mum would not tolerate such nonsense if you spoke such obscene words in her face, she wont spare your face. ive got hit a few times for having talked back. a lesson of which ive learnt to not to commit again. yet, somehow things were different for your case. you use the same set of words that your grandkids use on you and you meant it.
7 months here and yet, nothing of this household can compare to the one i have back home. not one little detail of this house can match up to 17 years of love in my home. the atmosphere was different. the upbringing, the words exchanged and the respect given was so vast in their difference between these two households. you place both of them beside each other to compare them, yet you cant since one obviously stands out better than the other. and that is my home.
theres something lacking in your household. it wasnt so much of love since you obviously will have it from your parents. i cant say much for upbringing since it depends largely on how your parents view your upbringing. like a conservative household will uphold the upbringing of being conservative in nature. it was more of the respect given.
no one respects anyone in this household. not one gives the other the respect based on your status or age. no one cares what you are here. being the senior here doesnt give you the respect as one. neither does being the parent seem to earn you any respect from your kids. this household lacks respect of which my mum has groomed in each and everyone of her children on the value of respect.
shocked? i was when i first arrived and still am till today. i can never imagine a kid shouting back the same set of vulgarities that a parent would shout at a child. i didnt have to imagine, i saw, heard and experienced it. it wasnt done unto me by the adults but by the children themselves/. so you think youre cousins and that youre a guest in this household, well clearly youre not in their eyes. that treat you with the same direspect as they do to their parents.
i hear these words almost every single day. words that even my mum wouldnt approve of us saying in their own household. words that might get myself a tight slap across my cheek again. words exchanged between father and daughter. grandma and daughter. son and mother. son and us. we were innocent in this warfare but yet innocent parties often get hurt in a crossfire.
i have never approved myself to say such words either yet it becomes so common to say it out to vent out your anger. ive said my own share a couple of times but not to people around me. i say it to vent my anger on things i dont see fit. i try not to but yet it becomes so common when you hear it everyday.
she tells me she hates her family. i can understand why. her father beats her up. their exchange harsh words in their crossfire and she usually gets hurt in the aftermath. she ends up crying in her room and he leaves it be. she has no respect for anyone in this household. she shouts and screams at whoever she wants and whenever she sees fit. her mum gets it all in her rage yet she keeps silent and says nothing to correct her daughter misbehavior. the parents dont teach, one keeps mum about it, the other beats her up and the old one screams vulgarities when she gets one fired at her. theres nothing right about this household.
i dont see this household as a place to raise children. its not built on the foundations of respect, love and trust. everything seems to be balanced out on a rocky cliff of disrespect, ignorance and selfishness. i cant stand it when their values come into conflict with what my mum and dad has brought out in me. i try to keep mum about it yet my sister also seems to agree with me. i was taught to love others and show respect to the elders yet i dont see this here in this household. you cant call it a home. it wasnt one in the first place.
theres something wrong with everyone here. they blame each other for things that go wrong. they shout and curse to applease their anger. theres only one who doesnt do that yet she has wrong values. every night that i slept here isnt spared by any of their warfare. every single day and you hear someone blaming and cursing another. we both hate to return home early from school. we both didnt want to have to deal with their nonsense. we try to stay out after school and wait for one another, at least it gave us comfort to have the other. but now when schools out for both of us, it seems impossible to do that now.
the father's unstable. he shouts and curses when he sees fit. he beats up his children when they talk back, sometimes even scarring them. the rest cant do anything when he gets violent. my sister and i only close the door to ease our ears of the outburst of words. yet, the walls are hollow. we hear the whole conversation and hide in fear in our rooms.
the mother doesnt say anything when her own kids curse her and make her do errands for them. she keeps mum about it all and does it all willingly. she doesnt question it and yet she takes all their words with a pinch of salt. we cant tell her stuff that we're uncomfortable with since she cant do much to stop it from happening. i find better comfort in telling my own mum than her. at least my mum promises and make sure it doesnt happen again. she promises and yet when it happens, she has no clue. she's easy on them and doesnt take discipline in her hands. she leaves it to the father and when it gets out of hand, she doesnt do much.
the grandma isnt shown any respect for her seniority in this household and she's not bothered to give anyone else that respect. she has her own fair share of curses in cantonese of which my sister and i have tried to decipher. words that you wouldnt even want to know. in this household, everyone else is cursed to die. we werent spared either.
the daughter has problems with her parents.
the son is no better. he shouts and curses when he sees fit. he tells you to die. when he gets moody, and youre an easy target, he'll get you. he slaps you when he doesnt have his way. ive had my fair share. it doesnt happen to me anymore yet the same still happens to his mum and she doesnt do nuts about it.
i miss home. just another 12 more days and i'll be back to the home that i once belonged to. i kinda miss the feeling of being loved in a home. 7 months and i had to live without it.now i wont have to anymore.
