the risks that i take are all worth is even if it's for a loss

Thursday, January 31, 2008 9:36 AM

31st december 2008
Day twelve.

another day has passed and still i havn't gotten her phone call. i hate to say this but friday is already the end of the week unless you consider weekends as part of it. she promised me end of this week and still she hasn't brought me good new.

they say no news is good news. but for this, no news is bad news. seriously bad.

i hate to spend yet another day doing the same old routine of waking up, taking my meals, blogging or playing online games and sleeping by midnight.

im so bored. i even have to result in playing a game which i last played since 11. neopets. yes that stupid kids game. im even playing it and im a pro- supporter of that.

everyone start playing neopets!
be my neofriend and play against me in games.

maybe even the next time i'll venture into dragonfable and be my own knight. sheesh. what's with this! cant anybody just pass me some work to do instead of just waiting for term to start?

viewing houses is like a 'if it pops out kind' of thing. everyday, all we ever do is to wait for mum's calling to view a house and we set off. sometimes we dont even bother to change out into something nice since it's just one house. that was before you lied about the number of houses. you know, it kills the anticipation of wanting to return home after one house when instead you have a few others.

alright i wont talk about the viewing of houses again. i clearly said my concerns out in the last. i shall'nt. stop me if i do. i cant help it if its the only other thing i actually do besides neopets. you cant expect me to talk about neopets do you? i wont turn out sounding like im even 17.

i need a job desperately if it means it'll help me get out of this boredom of neopets and viewing houses. even sharon is bored to death. she has even taken on the role of talking to her stuffed toys. poor her.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008 4:07 PM

30th january 2008.
Day eleventh.

happy birthday li zhen! im not such a great person when it comes to remembering the birthdays of people. i try to. but when it's just amanda, you cant help it but to forget.my apologises for my late greeting. if you have yet to remind me the day before to wish you a very happy birthday, let's just hope i dont forget the night after.

although it wasnt friday the thirteen, i felt like shit the whole entire of today. morning wasnt so bad. although things took its own course and i went through a twist of unexpected turns though i kinda suspected it the night before when my mum told dad she'll speak to us.

no it's not a break up. my parents would never break apart if they do, hell know what i'll do.

i still dont get how the outbreak of news could disturb my morning bliss. i got the last bowl of fruit loops and left my sister little from the packet that she had to open another box of cocoa pops. i managed to get away when it was time to do the dishes though i ended up wiping them thereafter.

that's when it happened.

mum came into the room and told us to get ready for a one oclock appointment for viewing a house. who knew, one could turn into at least four of them. that's what i hate about it. to heck with the promises mum. you said just one and that we'll be home early. you lied.
the news leaked out. mum and dad aren't keen over the house we were all looking forward to. we once had a list all drawn up listing the houses for rent. it was over a 15 and down we're down to nothing after the judgement was passed on that house as having bad fengshui.
so there's some differences when it comes to buying a house between a caucasian family and a chinese ones. the thing is the time. we take more precaution in buying one. sometimes even i dont get why we take such a stupid long time to decide whether the flow is good, the money will flow in or what family prosperity shit.and i dont get sometimes.hows fengshui can control what we want in life.
people usually say the consequences are a result of your actions. if you play truant in school, you get detention from the teacher. if you shoplift, you get the jail term. if you talk back at your parents, you get the tight slap. if so, then does a bad feng shui lead to family problems or even a fall out? you cant judge family problems on your case of fengshui if so everything that happens wrong you blame it on someone else or something.
when it comes to viewing houses, others look at the location, the interior design, the facilities and amenities ( schools and shopping malls) or the amount of gardening work yet to be done. when my parents do it, the first thing they do is to take readings from a compass. they rather trust the judgement of a stupid dial than my own comments. our comments to them always appear to be shallow and narrowminded while they say they think for the best of the family. to them, amanda has no constructive comments. everything that she sees that is nice, she likes it. so that doesnt narrow anything. now that they have done it their way, look at the entire mess, or more like the void emptiness of the paper.

you see. when you're not yet the age to be considered by the adults. they dont hear your no nothings. you're considered to be shallow, on the surface thinking kind of person. so whatever comments you give, it doesnt seem to hit twice at the ear drums. they listen, nod their head to show you their listening but they dont think twice.

why worry when you put yourself in the lord's hands? if so, what's this whole thing about fengshui? the four leaf clover or what lucky charm. you actually believe them? i dont. i want to. but believing is like living in a fantasy. but life ain't always lucky to you. you'll always get the ups and downs of life and you cant always blame it on who or what comes first.

i just feel shit the whole day thinking and worrying about what the adults would worry about. fengshui. the more i think and try to make sense of it. the more i get myself confused. im not saying believing in such things are stupid. but then if it doesnt do the trick would you go for witchcraft or other underneath crafts in finding your dream home?

i dont know. it seems to me that you have valued your house to other things at the moment. in searching for the right home, you ignore others. you feel im distant now? but the more i think about it. the more you distant yourself from us. the whole day, you're searching for houses only to find a whole load you have rejected earlier being leased out to others instead of us. i dont want to lose another deal. it sucks to lose.

i need to get myself a job soon. i need to pry myself away from your house hunting. it's demoralising to enter into a well furnished home, one you love from the first moment only to find out that the coordinates of your compass say another thing. fuck the stupid dial.with a job, at least i wont have to think about houses for the moment let alone the stupid compass reading.

for now, find a job,earn my keep and forget about everything else.
i wish life was that easy.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 8:20 PM

29th january 2008.
Day tenth.

it's not easy trying to find a job here in perth. the pay's so good. almost 11.41 an hour fixed across all jobs for your age group and the working conditions are great! if youre busy taking a calculator to convert into singapore dollars, forget it. i did all the sums for you already.

drum roll please.

it's almost a whopping 14.40 for just an hour doing the most idle job in the world. attending to the cash till. a greatest place to just type a few things onto the computer, handle money and just give your mega-watt smile to your customers. the only disadvantage is that you cant sit while attending to the cash till.

i mean who cares. i dont.

14.40 in singapore can easily get me a meal plus starbucks coffee. only i dont even have to foot the bill for them since elvin wont let me. neither would justin or derek. sheesh, guys and their pride of not allowing a girl to pay. whatever. all i know, is that it benefits me and my meal. gosh, now i sound as though i love my benefits as a girl. of which i do but could we skip the period cramps, pregnancy and motherhood?

mum helped me with my resume. alright i shalln't even bother to give myself any credit since she did all of it and all i ever did was lie on the couch and stare at the ceiling above, only to nod my head everytime she asked a question.

i went for a job at 3.20pm only to finish half an hour later. i passed my resume to two other departmental stores. well, everyone wants to be big someday. but we have to start small first then the bigger things will come. for now, i'll just have to wait for calls before i start at my first day at work. wish me luck!

it's funny how you put yourselves into an environment where everyone is just so nice and friendly. it gives you the heebie jeebies when you try to strike up a convo without sounding weird. two total chnage of environment and im finding myself freak out when i have to attend to my own customers. back in singapore, no one behind the counter would ever go 'hey good morning' or 'thank you for shopping with us' 'have a good day' that sort of thing. nope, all they ever do is attend to the till and to get your shopping goods away when the next customer arrives for paying.

that's how different the two cultures are. i need to get back my slang when i start work if not it'll just seem as though im having a bad day without sounding myself if i dont smile. my smile gives it away. but i cant keep smiling. i tried it and it hurts by nightfall. silly me. so all that i can afford to do now is. amanda open up your mouth and TRY to be nice.

10 reasons why amanda cant seem to be confident:

it's her first day at work ( not really since it was only 1/2 an hour)
the lady boss speaks too fast and all too well
im the only asian in the shop helping out
the last i spoke in singapore was singlish
i hadn't had any job experience ( please dont give me the bad eggs)
her mouth is too small and all she ever does is
SMILE
the huge paycheck is still a shock to her ( kidding;D )
im still stuck in the mentality people SERVE the 'queen'
i hate being small -_-

i need this job.

Monday, January 28, 2008 9:22 PM

28th january 2008
Day nine.

it's a public holiday today. happy australian day.the shops are closed except for those in the city, the roads are packed with cars buzzing to places and the police are on the alert to fine anyone on the double for bad conduct. yes, on public holidays, fines go up by the double for the simplest of things that you commit wrong.

so yes. it's been almost a week and two days. sunday marked a new week here in perth and it had it's only way of making sure we took note of it. the alarm didnt rang because neither of us set for it. it was a sunday and yet the day before we all forgot about church. Father forgive us for we have sinned. anyway, we still managed to get there on time, with a few extra minutes to spare for a trip to the playground and a slow walk under the hot sun to church. mum was adamant on getting to church even if we had to rush. i feel guilty. i played the devil's advocate in trying to pre- warn my mum of the possibility of missing the bus, getting there late and all tired out or even missing mass altogether. it didnt played along with her. her faith's too strong.

so she got us dragging our soles out of the soles only to break into a short run to the bus stop where we STILL had to wait for the bus to arrive. breakfast? well, breakfast was only a few pieces of sultanabread that she had heat up in the morning. pathetic? i was looking forward to a few slices of bacon and eggs, french toast and a cup of milk poured out for us.

jobs are hard to find if you dont know where to search for. i had this problem. i cant find any that is well suited for hands that have not encounted the working world before. work at a travel agency, i could do that if not for the long bus ride there. work as a kitchen hand at chicken treat, but mum advised against it. the job wasn't meant for nimble hands like mine. i cant find any and i need one badly before i start the school term.

8 reasons why amanda should find a job:

the PAY is the most important issue
working experience would go a long way in university
widen social circle( even if it means nasty ones)
get my FAT ass off the bed
turn my current timetable upside down (wakeup, bfast, gaming, lunch, gaming, dinner, msn, blogging, sleep)
get some exercise in walking to my work area
take away food home from work ( if restaurant)
i dont have to face annoying people at home

hell yes. she needs a job soonest.

Friday, January 25, 2008 10:38 PM

happy birthday mum! i cant remember how old you are right now. but i'll leave the age factor behind. you wont like the fact that you're a year older with more worry lines draw across your face.it's funny how women never liked their ages revealed since it makes them feel old and weary.but mum, you're different. your nature doesn't seem to change even as the years go by.

to my mum, who has already gone past the age of her younger days, you never fail to brighten up our days with your childish mindset. even though age has went ahead on the race of life, you still retain your childhood memories and will still share them with us with time.

to mum,
for being such a dearest to the ones the lord gave you from above,
you brought us up with dad with your unending love
and gave us the brightest upbringing any child would ask for.

you taught us about the father high above
and brought us to church for a session or more.
you showed us the way of christ and taught us the prayer.
catechism with friends, you fetch us thereafter.

when we questioned, you gave us answers.
when we were curious, you gave us space to explore with caution.

we fumbled with our first few steps and
yet for each time you took off your hat
we read our first few a,b,c's with you and
tugged on your skirt the first day at school.
to every new moment that we take,
you're always there with a pat on our head.

to my mum, a very happy birthday this year! eventhough it might be different this year without the whole family, there's still me and sharon to walk this journey with you. to mum, may you have a blessed week ahead and may the good lord bless you on this very special day!

7:38 PM

25 january 2008
Day six.

i guess i havent been blogging much. my days were mostly spent on the computer, surfing the net for online games. i even had the time to come up with a few nice ones,

other than the computer that im so addicted to 24/7 of the time, we went along with mum for house hunting across the area in a hope of finding a house to settle into before school term starts. highschool for sharon starts on the 4th of feb so we aren't left with much time to dawdle. university term only starts on the 18 feb which is my orientation and the 22nd for the start of the term.

the days seem to pass so slowly yet im already eager enough to fly home for christmas. i had a great christmas and new year back home with everyone else. yet chinese new year here in perth spells something different from the normal. the tradition of the celebration remains yet the spirit is somehow different. the warmth of family, the renuion dinner, the atmosphere, the decorations of red and most importantly for amanda ( that is)the number of red packets.

house hunting is a bore. yet we have to follow since my mum cant make decisions. and my following along just makes her more confused. they both cant stand me and yet i dont understand why. i fickle easily in my decision but you cant blame me! although the choices arent good but im desperate for a house to move out soon!

theres nothing much to do here now that its summer. i seem to be putting on the calories since all i ever do at home is to lie on the bed and play on my computer. the most i ever walked was from the room to the kitchen. now that's bad for someone who's ultimate goal is to shed a few kilos and who made a deal to run every now and then. ( okay, that's a bad term) since every now and then could mean the next i cut my hair ( which would be a year later). amanda, the procrastination is going to kill you someday!

it's australian day tomorrow. there's going to be a half hour fireworks show at the city. all public transport would stop by dusk so the only way to get there would be by car. since its not a small area of land like singapore, we're expecting a whole lot of people. if youre asking about loyalty, the aussie's have it much better. there's even an australian flag right outside on our neighbour's yard. i cant rule out the fact that on singapore's national day, it's the same sight.

im already reaching the first week of my stay here. it sucks. i havent found myself a job yet to kill boredom because my mum needs me to view the houses, move in and settle into with her and my sister. when you need a guy to help you with the luggages, it's always the middle one. by the second, i hope to get our house leased out to us, move in and find myself a job before i start the term.

semester one starts in feb and ends in june leaving the second with july till november. in semester one, i'll be taking up economics, accounting, marketing and management. just four subjects and a hell lot of work and projects. im glad i came early in feb to do my timetable since i got the best few slots. tues and wed are no school days for me and the rest im off by four. woohoo! univeristy wont be so tight and i still get to find myself some work, earn an upkeep and GO SHOPPING!

to the next week, i look forward to meeting you!

Monday, January 21, 2008 9:49 PM

baby, you're my guardian angel.

When I see your smile,
Tears run down my face.
I can't replace.
And now that I'm strong,
I have figured out,
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul.
And I know I'll find deep inside me,
I can be the one.
I will never let you fall. (let you fall.)
I'll stand up with you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all. (through it all.)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven.
It's okay.It's okay.It's okay-e-ay-e-ay.
Seasons are changing, And waves are crashing,
And stars are falling all for us.
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter,
I can show you I'll be the one I will never let you fall. (let you fall.)
I'll stand up with you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all. (through it all.)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven.
'Cause you're my, you're my, my-e-y-e-y,
My true love, my whole heart.
Please don't throw that away.
'Cause I'm here... for you!
Please don't walk away and,
Please tell me you'll stay... here!
Whoa-oh! Stay! Whoa-oh!
Use me as you will!
Pull my strings just for a thrill!
And I know I'll be okay,
Though my skies are turning gray! (gray! gray!)
I will never let you fall!
I'll stand up with you forever!
I'll be there for you through it all,
Even if saving you sends me to heaven!
I will never let you fall!
I'll stand up with you forever!
I'll be there for you through it all,
Even if saving you sends me to heaven! (fade out)

thanks baby for always watching over me and for praying for my safety every night.

9:02 PM

21st january, day two.

at least two weeks here wont be so bad.i have my mum and sharon with me. dinner times are different and so is the ambience in the room. there's always someone i can turn to and talk things out. like peas in a pod, we'll be together wherever we are, be it dinner times where just the three of us would sit together for a meal or the room.

things are different now that it's just the three of us. eating fruits aren't in front of the telly anymore, we do it at the basin after washing the dishes. we take turns to wash the dishes and wait for one another.

having mum around makes things so much better. at least there wont be any adult other than my mum to boss us around. whenever there's things to ask of my relatives, we make our mum do it. things aren't so bad when mum is around. she promised me two weeks here in this house, she'll keep her word.

just three months back in singapore and so much has changed. the bus routes are different, bus numbers have changed and takes some time getting used to. the new train lines are up so taking a train into the city would have to replace the usual bus ride that i take. the shopping malls are still the same. the clear blue skies have little clouds, it doesn' rain much and it suns too much!

the other big thing that's going to change in my life would be starting the 'adult' school or university in fact. it's funny that amanda has already finished her junior college and is going to start on university this year. out of two years of JC i only spent 7 months. a crash course that left we brain damage for that matter of fact. two years of syllabus work of 5 subjects in those few months is crazy and i took the road less travelled by. silly me.

my mum said i cant compare with my elder sister on her results for entering university. she said she was already proud of me that i managed a pass in all subjects and even for that matter a 91.75 score over 100 while my sister got 98.00. it cant be judged together since we took different spanse of learning paces. im happy that my score landed me into curtin.

so tommorrow is enrolment day. im doing it alone, walking into a university ao unknown to me. having only trespassed once to meet my elder sister the other time for lunch, everything will still seem so foreign as i go about searching for a small lab in such a big expanse of land. im glad i passed my map directional reading. i thank my dad for his great sense of directions.

ask amanda, ask. any questions just ask. i thought my dad would say that but it was my mum instead. somehow, those years living with me kinda warped her brain to follow of her spouse. i cant blame long relationships with your husbands. alright, so both my parents told me to be confident. i am so full of confidence if...

only i wasn't so small for my size and weight ( but im happy with my weight)
only i wasn't the youngest in the university
i had taken australian speech classes
i knew a few friends over there
i wasn't so afraid of australians who discriminate others
my sense of fashion isn't in the 90's
I TALK LIKE MY DAD!

i guess enrolment wont be so bad. i'll think on the positive side. im just faster than tha rest in getting my degree i guess. hooray for the school year. like real.

Saturday, January 19, 2008 9:41 PM

19th january, day one.

here we go again.

a few months back, i was here in australia, perth studying hard for my exams to get myself into university course. and now, here i am back again starting my first year of uni in feb. there's something different this time round, it'll be 9 months instead of the 7 that i went through the other time.

i wont say that this trip here was less difficult since i have my mum and younger sister to ease the burden of being alone. it's still the same since my mindset hasn't changed one bit, i worry over the same few things and the worry marks just keep getting longer and more visible.

yes, im growing older. not in the sense of maturity since im still as childish as i am. although, i doubt uni life would change that side of me. it'll be hard to change such a stubborn ass. but yes, im aging fast! the uv sun rays here in perth are going to wrinkle up my skin so much that i'll start looking like my mum. erm no, my grandma.

we did the same old routine once again at the airport before we left. the breakfast with family and relatives, the snapshots of last goodbyes with friends, the collection of red packets from adults to wish you safe trip and the best of all, hugs and kisses from the ones we love.

it proved too much for my mum to take before her departure that she broke down on my dad. for someone i looked up to so greatly for my own needs, she appeared so soft and weak this once. for once when she wasn't strong enough to hold unto herself, i felt myself falling as well. but my dad entrusted ths only eldest of the two going there, me to look after my mum. to watch her fall and to pick her right back up.

i had a tough time the last. she will too but the only thing any of us can help her out with is to make the remaining of her days here in perth enjoyable so that she would be able to cope with the difficulties herself. independence doesn't just come about. it's not something we are born with, it's something we are made of through our actions. i've come a long way myself, taken the same route she has and came out okay. she'll survive.

it's late already here. but the back aches and the dizzy head that im having doesn't seem to be making me forget about home. i still miss it even though i've tried to forget about it and everyone else. a week. i should be able to cope by a week.

life's too boring without you.

Sunday, January 06, 2008 4:33 PM

elvin boi.

stop reading the same birthday post over and over again. the 31st of december is already over and so is your birthday. haha;D if you must, i will gladly write you another one on your next birthday.

i hope the whole lot of fun that we had at the chalet made up for the small teeny weeny birthday cake that you had. hey, it was good pudding cake. other than the fact, that you had to do something really stupid with it, like drop it all over my bed, leaving it smelling like good old mango cake. im sure the ants would love you for that little treat.

to the boi of 17 finally. the all awaited birthday, i hope you didnt mind the late present that i got you. i loved it so much i had to rescue it from the shelve leaving the rest of the toys there. i thought it looked like you. all brown like your tanned skin and cute and furry like your unmistakable retardedness and childlike character that i so love. keep him safe and sound on your bed and hug him to sleep just like i would. you shall amongst all over soft toys name him, mudpie.

brown and sweet and all chocolately. the only brownie that i love so much. the only other bear i fell in love at the instant when i saw it. i didnt used to believe at love at first sight, now i do. HAHA. sorry elvin, it wasnt you but the bear.

p.s. could i have him?