AMANDA NICOLE
eighteen
taurus
24 april baby
catholic
guitarist
aikidoka
msn-addict
prone to getting high
CRAZIED
tomboy-er
sms/chat lover
JOKER OF THE YEAR
st. anthony's preschool
chij bukit timah
art club
st. theresa's convent
RED CROSS
acjc(three months)
CANOEING/DBOAT
catholic jc
canningcollege
Shopping fan
curtin university
ROWING
swimming
working to earn a living

playing on my guitar;D
searching for tabs online
music
OUTDOORS:D
water sports, CANOEING
mountaineering
camping outdoors
orientation camps!
SHOPPING!
ROWING
movieing with friends
being totally ME
smsing/chat
blogging;D
scouting for eyecandies.
Chocolates
running/crunches
reading for leisure
suntanning<3
SUN SAND SEA.

conquer mount kinabalu
master drums one day
learn guitar tabs ( currently)
to be a rich woman!
grow taller!
learn how to do makeup
travel around the world backpacker style
get back home to singapore!
do well in up in uni exams
ROWING CHAMPIONSHIPS!
hiphop street dancing
the special coffee blend
do something crazy and wild
get my honours!
work hard in both my jobs
throw the old, get the new
be the next AUSTRALIAN IDOL

crumpler bag
rowing championships medals
more eyecandies!
to dye my hair brown/red
my food hunt
workout dumbells
GET AN AWESOME TATTOO
another piercing to go with
new balance dryfit apparel
nike running dryfit tee
splurging on sunglasses
COME BACK HOME!
lesser projects/schoolwork
another jar of jellybeans!
retain my 46kg
running machine
doritos nachos
cadbury icrecream tubs
up my fitness level
to get my HOT abs
to able to carry a scull by myself
get tanner under the sun!

designer   DancingSheep
resources   + +

university has already started since monday and i still have had to pull up my socks. lectures have already started with tutorials on thursdays plus fridays, and im still treating the breaks of tuesdays and wednesdays as free holidays.

i am seriously not ready for this whole university thing. the going for lectures in huge masses in one cramped theatre, the walking from lecture halls to tutorial rooms across the campus, surfing out the nicest foods to eat on campus. the lecture's tone used in lectures, even the priest at the church i go to doesnt give boring semons. ( although i have slept in a couple or two BUT i was really tired!) and making NEW friends all over again.

today was free university day for me. woke up at 9am to have mum make me waffles for breakfast only to find out it was part of a favour i need to return. wash her cash. charmaine got busy with the stuffing of polyester into the handmade bolster cases mum made back home and sewing them up. i had a choice of either. i took the car. i know nuts about sewing.

the afternoon was boring. other than eating meals which i look forward to a little bit of life, i stayed in the room, working on my marketing notes. when i got tired of homework, it was the book. no point going online when no one is.

im quitting my 'hungry jacks' casual work. i found another at muffin break, selling cookies, muffins and coffee. the pay's higher and its casual work also. besides, i get to work with coffee! soon enough, i'll be able to brew my own for university exams.

in the late afternoon i got a call from michelle, hungry jacks. she informed me that i had shift work on sat and sun of which i had no idea of. so i declined the jobs on that day because i have events on that day which makes it impossible to work those days. she got angry and said if i did i should have told her the week before. hello? i can CHOOSE to accept your work or not. im a frigging casual not at your beck and call, part time. to hell with the uniform and cap. IM QUITTING FOR GOOD.

it was bad enough i got a lecture over the phone and sharon had to rub it in. she scolded me for being stupid enough not to tell the lady i was a casual and that i had no idea i had those jobs in for this week. if i had the guts, i would have talked back at the lady. but i couldnt. cmon, SHE'S MY BOSS FOR HEAVENS SAKE. she nudged a finger hard into my arm. 'why are you soo stupid?' TELL HER LA'! yeah i wish i could. and i wished i hadnt done the same to her arm later on. i was angry already and you had to make it worse. so im quitting already, are you happy now?

sorry, im just pissed off today. if i had to blast the music i would if not for the intervals where mum would scold me when i couldnt hear her.

i just wish for a better tmr.

im not talking as much as i should. it's not like the first time mum and the rest have told me to keep my mouth shut for a sec or two. literally a 'shut up amanda, it's not important' kind of thing. do i really talk too much? do people hate me so much for talking so much?

what is up these days that even those around me dont have the time to listen to what i have to say. even a small joke doesnt seem to get across to them and they dont laugh. they only find it amusing when im the only one laughing and not them. what's making everyone so hard up these days. you know what? i rather be insane and talk to myself than to you guys.

so what if my character means i tend to talk more? it's not my fault. i say what comes to mind and im not the kind to hold back unless its about my feelings against you. i try to keep quiet about it but my blog just says it all. im fine. dont ask me anymore.

amanda ain't talking much and you think something might be bothering me. so, in the first place why do you say i talk too much? havnt you gotten used to the whole idea of me talking non-stop?

monday, you have monday till i really blow up. a few weeks ago, when we first arrived you promised me and sharon that 2 weeks from 19th jan, you'll give us a place to shelter under. a place we can call our own, without care or worries. mum you lied again. i cant remember how many times you kept assuring us that you'll have everything sorted out before sharon started school, and now, it has to be before i start school. im sorry mum. school's starting next week. i cant help you much with the moving of things. im sorry, till now, i just dont get why you have to delay so much with looking for a house. exploring your possiblities? sorry mum. i cant get what youre trying to get at. all i know is that i've been cheated by you. you kept promising but you never gave.

for all the times you assured us that it'll come soon, that dream house of us. i cant see that same dream as yours. i cant believe in a better future here in perth. studying here in perth is going to get me somewhere with a better degree? why cant singapore do the same? the more i question my being here, the more i feel myself distance away from your love. if its all about your selfish need to migrate here so you can be with your mum or even to retire, i hate you. i know you think for our studies, but mum have you ever considered our feelings to come over here without any qualms? you didnt even asked us for our opinion. even my paternal grandma doesnt feel too good for her grandchildren to migrate over. and doesnt your own mum have had enough people to scold around here? so mum whats your verdict?

when im 18, drinking wont be the first thing i'll do unlike the rest. im legal enough to be my own guardian. so mum, yes, i hate to say this. but like any 18 year old. i want to have my own life. living with you only seems to make things between us uglier. the more i say what i feel, you defend yourself as though you werent wrong in the first place. so am i always the one to take the blame for everything? im moving out. we'll still meet up on the weekends. i promise you. i know i tend to forget my promises but i'll try to remember all these. with this distance, at least we wont argue so much on little things.

it's these little things that seem to pull us apart even more. i dont even know you anymore. you just seem to me like anyone of the lai's im living with now. i guess i cant blame you for having those genes. but i dont seem to get along well with them. i cant say hate. it's just not right to. maybe with this distance, i wont have such a bad gut feeling when i talk with you.

a few more months till my birthday.

im moving out soon after.

im sorry mum. i dont know what else to say but just dont stop me.

my blogging times seem pretty erratic these days. i couldnt keep track of the number of days i have been here. i'll just stick to the 9 months wait till im home.

school's about to start soon and i doubt i'll be here and now everyday to blog. i give my promise that i'll be online to chat every other day when the work load ain't so bad. they say school's going to be tough, i hope for the best.

i have a job interview at one of the clothes line stores on tuesday and another upcoming soon at mcdonalds, both at carousel. things are finally starting to light up but for now, i have to consider which one of them would be the best for my studies and life.

schools starting next week and i have to adjust to university life plus there's work and charmaine moving in with us in just one room. after her arrival it'll all amount to 9 people in one house. and this time, grandma and aunty irene are going to hate us even more. yeah right, enough with all the bullshit, you tell us not to move out because it's a total waste of time and money in looking for one but instead you harbour negative feelings about us. you vent it out on your children and we get to hear it from the ugly side of things. you think we wanna hear any of it?

no wonder they said children are meant to be seen but not be heard. she doesnt even care what comments i have in mind and when i do say of any, it just goes to the back of her mind. when i dont, you shout at me and ask me what's my problem. yeah, you dont care one bit. all you ever care is about dad's comments and not ours. so who's going to live in that house? us or dad? if you want dad so badly, go back. i say it, go back mum during the june hols. me and charmaine are all of legal age to take care of ourselves and sharon.

you know what i really think of this whole buying, building and renting houses fiasco? it's pure stupid. you tell me you cant stand cold, if so what about winter? are you really going to return to singapore just during tha season and leave us us? other than that, if every6 months dad needs you to do the accounts, you'll return wont you? if so, whats with buying/building a house? you said dad's coming over after he wraps up his business, but then when's that going to be? migration here? i rather just you and dad. dont drag the whole family here just because of a brighter future you see here.

bright future? mum, everything looks so bleak to me now. so what if i have a job or if school;s starting? you took away so much from me. things that even money cant buy. so what if you can buy me an education here in perth, money cant buy me the heart to learn in this new environment. the only reason i worked so hard last year and this coming few years are because of the hard earned money you and dad have put up for our studies. so what if you can buy me a house,money cant buy me a home with love from my parents and sisters. money can buy the household electrical appliances like a toaster but it cant buy me breakfast made my mum. so what if money can get you affiliates? money cant get me back my friends i have lost touch with.
you have taken so much more than what this future can give me back.

im tired. just leave me alone mum. the more you bother about me, the more we quarrel. our relationship already looks so bleak and all this house fiasco is just making it worse.

Day thirty.

i went for today's seminar to makeup for yesterday's one. if i knew it was all about making new friends and how to do it, i wouldnt have even shown my face in that lecture hall. god, it was embarrassing for me to attend such a talk.

i shouldnt have overslept the other day i was supposed to have my orientation. if so, i wouldnt have to run across the whole university just to get myself to the curtin business school services to ask for clarification on what i've missed out on. other than the whole boring talk and the running from one lecture to the library for one of the guilded tours, i left alone for the first time.

i had no friends who were familiar and everyone else was new. if i had wanted to approach them to ask for an introduction, i guess now wont be such a good time since everyone else would be rushing to and fro for their tours and seminars. so amanda, just for this week, your guardian angel will be your best friend.

now that was until i saw chat, the guy in my previous school of which he's from a brunei descent and who also is a fellow pr here. he followed me on the 'survival @ your library' tours and we exchanged a few words. other than which, we are entirely in different courses so meeting up with him would be once in an opportunity.

went for lunch with michelle and her family at 'taka' again in town. it was great seeing her again although we would be in different universities. but hey, she's just beside me, in canning college's uni direct. so asking her on a lunch date wont be so hard to schedule.

received a call from one of the shops i handed in my resume to, and well you cant expect me to remember every single one of them so yes, i had no idea when the lady called to arrange for me to come in for an interview on tuesday. woohoo. finally a job that involves no wet floors, oil spills or stupid unifroms. the customers are still the same but it's just one factor you cant change.

im happy today.

Day twenty eight.

started work today at hungry jacks, and of all things i had to be assigned to the morning shift, 5am to 11am. mum didnt feel so safe in the morning so she accompanied me to work. (plus she made me a sandwich for lunch)

i met jena, the manager and she started off showing me the equipment and different areas of the kitchen. i had myself the task of tearing up bags of lettuce and onions and placing them into the pans provided afer labeling the hour of expiry. the second task was the washing and slicing of tomatoes. you should have seen how messy i made my shirt, with all the pulp juice spraying. maybe my arms just ain't used to the motion of repeating actions or maybe it's just been some while since i last worked out. 12 pans of 12 tomatoes on my first round. and another 10 pans on my next.

after my break at 8.40am, i went to the front counter to serve customers only to get myself entangled in the various orders. i tried to help others get their burgers ready but i only got myself more confused with which burgers to choose from. and when i tried to take orders, the computer keys just keeps me knotted up there. weird things like, a whopper stunner deal would be shift caramel sundae. dont ask. i try not to remember as well.

if you're asking me for preference, i would prefer having the job in the kitchen. at least you wont have to face the customers bad attitude when their meals just dont come on time. it's perth. not singapore, everyone does it so slow. i would very much liked the atmosphere back in the kitchen doing the tomatoes, where the only one rushing you would be your manager ( although she's always too busy to mind us) and it's only her pair of eyes looking at you, not ten over looking at you.

besides, slicing tomatoes is my forte. even the manager agrees that for a first day work, i do get everything done within less than 20 mins max. so shouldnt i stick to the back kitchen job? but, i dont wanna be known as the 'tomato slicer' girl or the 'sort everything out within the time' girl. it's just so unclassy.

i got home tired and worn out only having eaten at 3pm after my shift was done. if this continues i'll get gastric sooner or later. went to mcdonalds to get myself a fillet o fish meal where it was no different. i still had eyes on me since i was a hungry jacks staff in a mcdonald outlet. politics. i just dont care.

for all those guelling hours i work for less than a 100 close to. 9 hours from 5am to 2pm earned me 99 dollars. so i guess its all worth it, the hard work and all. but im not too sure i want to continue with my job. it's tough and i dont know if my body can keep up with the work load and weird hours of break.

mum said it was no harm since i only took casual work so as and when they need me, they'll ring me up for working hours. either way, i can choose to decline. with work aside, i guess i'll concentrate now on university and making new friends.

orientation week this week. wish me luck!

Day twenty five.

the job interview went okay. they were desperate for employees to help manage the workload and i guess i came at the right time. she asked me a series of questions and vice-versa. i wasnt too desperate for the job since i wanted only the work experience before i moved on to something else with a higher pay.

i have another interview on saturday in the afternoon after we drop off dad at the airport. mcdonalds. well, i prefer macs becaus of the free food variety but the location is the tough point i have to consider. i cant expect myself coming home at midnight, knowing that there's no buses or waking up early for my shift with no bus running at that hour.

i have to buy their uniform for 30 with a refund at the end when i drop the job. without say, i also have to take a morning and night shift on a tuesday or a friday. that means starting work at 5am to 11am or 6pm to 12pm latest.

this is my time schedule for the week.

FRIDAY :

• training at 11am with hungry jacks till 3pm latest.
• bring family out to the city for sight-viewing and to celebrate post- valentines' day.
• buy two pairs of loop earings' for job (since studs aren't allowed)
• buy a box of apple strudel to bring back for relatives here
• take a spin in dad's new car
• pray that mum gets a rented house soon

SATURDAY:

• fetch dad to the airport and send him off.
• before that, ensure guitar key is with him and books to bring back
• go for evening mass
• sleep early for sunday morning shift
• pray that mum gets a rented house soon

SUNDAY:

• wake up early and report for work.
• pray that mum gets a rented house soon

MONDAY:

• school orientation starts.
• report for work after that.

thank you lord for the job but yet again, after i get it, i might have different feelings. for the money, yes, think positively for the MONEY.

Day twenty four.


i guess the emotions im feeling these few days are part of turning 18 this year. i didnt have such strong emotions against my mum till now. she says i have a bad mood all of a sudden and leaves me alone for the rest of the hour till i cool it down. dad came into the room to talk to me. he found it peculiar i had turned a deaf ear to every one of my mum's requests. he didnt think i would get myself into a huff unless i had my period, and that was the same subject i got edgy on.

she had to embrass me in front of my other cousin would just had her first period. so what if she didnt had any of the mood swings i use to have? so what if she doesnt complain much on having it?so what if her period was much more relieving than mine? god, mum. if you like her so much. take her as your own. you didnt have to tell the whole world about my period cramps every once in two months when i get it.

so what if my other sisters dont have such a bad period cramp as me when their time comes? you dont expect me to have the same womb as them. so what if mine hurts more and so what if my cramps are far worse then theirs? spare a thought for me mum, do you think i want it that way also? i didnt ask for the cramps to come, neither did i ask for the change in mood swings.

you sound as though you're much more relieved if i didnt have my periods at all. you cant judge my period moods just like that. my sister's have theirs at a different scenario. charmaine hadnt had hers for a long time. when it comes, it's only like once in 3 months or longer? and sharon, she hadnt had that many times a period as compared to me.

maybe this whole period thing is too much for you to handle when i do have it. my period moods, the troublesome of changing or even the grumbling to you. maybe i should have my periods just the same way as charmaine. or maybe, i shouldnt be blessed with a womb in the first place. maybe i shouldnt have to give birth at all and save myself the hassle. and maybe, i'll be able to save up on all the mood swings, the money for pads or even the number of times i visit the toilet. and just maybe, you'll be happier for once that i didnt complain.

i just dont why you have to constantly degrad me and sharon. im sorry but im the kind who take things too hard. the hardest i have to swallow are the things that my love ones have to say about me. sure you say it, but you dont mean it much and you have no idea how much im dealing with your critics about me. im weak and when i hear you say those things, it cuts deep mum. i cry myself to sleep, wondering why you said that. i try to change myself for you but yet you dont any notice. maybe, i should just distance myself from you. then, i wont have to hear you anymore and you wont have to waste your breath degrading me.

about period mood swings and cramps, i'll be running everyday to train up so you wont have to hear me complain about my cramps. i dont care if my knee hurts. im running and i wont stop, not for you and not for anyone else.

sorry mum, this is the most i can do to solve your judgement about me. i've tried my best.

Day twenty three.

i can imagine how boring it can get when sharon's at school and my parents are out at the car dealer's getting a car before dad takes the flight back to Singapore. it sucks staying home the whole of today.

i woke up at 9.20am when my parents were about to leave home only to take a long nap at 11am after breakfast. i tell you, all this sleeping is going to turn be into a couch potato some day. haha! i dont wake up early to run and when i do, it gets too hot with aussie's afternoon sun. HAHA. i cant run in the evenings, my grandmere doesnt allow for the fact, perth's not a perfectly safe country.

other than the room and the kitchen. there's not much left to explore in the outside. if i go out, there's no one to accompany me to town. i didnt turn on my computer since no one was going to be online with school in their schedule. yes, and i didnt turn on the telly since there werent ny nice movies on. either it's in chinese or its baby cartoons if not its weird stuff like advertisements. well, you'll be amazed in australia, the number of advertisements outnumber the number of shows available, and the hours of commercials are longer then your average show.

till now, i still suck at books. the last i couldnt last with a 64 paged book and gave up soon after 20 minutes into it. haha. yes, my attention span is that bad and i cant seem to remember what i read just then. talking about short-term memory, i think i have it bad! im trying hard now to start off with the da vinci series and im glad im almost done with the series. woohoo amanda!

in the late afternoon, i went to livingston mall to hand in my resume to hungry jacks for a placement in the job offered there. also, i got to hand up my resume to another cafe.not even half an hour and i found myself home again, bored with nothing to do. i checked my mail and found out that mcdonalds at willetton, southlands is recuiting members and i got an interview with them. saturday, 1.30 be early amanda.

Cam whores!


alright. my parents were at the car dealer's so we took a seat on a bench at the office. and we got bored.

i still think this pair of shades look the best on me! HAHA i should trade in with sharon. maybe...
the morning my dad woke up after his night arrival, he said i became darker. did i? from aussie sun i guess. so if you want a tann fast, i recommend perth with lots of sunscreen!

Day twenty two.

now that dad's here, we have to view the houses twice so that he'll be able to have his own opinions. it's not so bad with dad around since he doesnt just walk off with a paper to jot down notes and leave us by the side to explore by our own only to ask for our opinion when we're back home ( and when we have already forgotten how the house looks like). dad does it different. he asks us on the spot and jots in down on his paper.

other than looking at houses, he's looking for a car for mum to drive around when she's has groceries to get. having a car in australia is the most important. well, the getting around part? surviving on just public transport is crazy. now the part i dont get is if we DO BUY a house now, then there's a waiting period till you get your house. if so, during this waiting time we're STILL in this house, where are you going to park the damm car? i just dont get adults.

the weather is getting hotter. the rain spells have went away and there's more sun than ever in this country. scouting for cars in the open sun is crazy and i just cant do without my shades or even the shelter of anything. even the getting out of the car to view houses is unbearable in this hot spell. me? i was stupid enough to wear on a black shirt.

i cant be bothered to look for anymore jobs out there. i've done my best and if no one wants to hire me, i shall wait till weeks later then apply again. no one wants you when you have no working experience. im thinking its that reason why everyone just places my resume aside. i need working experience and i have to start somewhere off. i asked mum about working at a fast food outlet. she FINALLY gave her consent.

the new century. god , i love it. applying online takes out the hassle of going down to the place itself to hand up my resume. alleluia!

Day twenty.

dad came over last night at three. i couldnt stay up that night because of all the crying i did in the afternoon. sleeping out at the hall is creepy. everything is dark with only the dark shadows of cupboards and high ceilings staring back at you. we slept right out in the main hall where the television set was. and you know how the chinese saying goes 'an uncovered telly will suck out your soul' or whaever shit there is being said about sleeping right in front of the box. i volunteered to sleep in the front most because sharon didnt want. but i wont say im not a little scared becaause i am.

finding a job is easy but getting one is just so hard.
my first letter since i arrived back here and it didnt bring news of joy. instead, it was an unacceptance offer from one of the stores i applied to. i didnt get the job. it is my deepest regret in opening up that letter with so much to hope for only to be disappointed by the result of it.

mum came in and asked curiously on who was the sender and the contents of the letter. i needed time to read it myself. i needed privacy and yet i got none. i read the first sentence and i needed to support myself on the bed. that's when mum took the letter away from my hands to read it. she knew how i was feeling just then. but all she said was 'there are many more opportunities waiting' she's right. i shouldnt dwell on the lost of the job but yet i needed more comfort from this lost. my second and still counting. i needed someone to say ' hang on amanda' but all i ever got was my mum rubbing it in. she left me in the room to cry myself.

i hate to say this but mum, the only reason why i cant find a job is due to the lack of experience needed for sales in a store. and the only way i can get that experience is if i first start off at a small store. before we reach big things, we all have to start off small. so mum, how can you expect me to go around one more time looking for a job when i have no experience in sales or customer service and all i ever get is the same response, that im rejected. i hate this whole cycle. the more i look for something i want and i dont get it, it just comes back to haunt me that im incapable.

mum. i need to start off small first. even if it means all those fastfood joints that you hate for me to work at, i need to start off with something first. if i do get a job at one. please mum, respect my decision. i know you care for all of those hard mauual work that i have to work behind in the kitchen, i know youre worries. but if i dont get a hang of the hard world. i'll never know and take things for granted. i know this is crazy but i want to have a try of the world.

please mum. all im asking is that you'll let me go. dont watch over me anymore. i need to experience the hard way in life. i dont need your protection anymore.

let me go.

Day nineteen.

i sldnt have woken up this morning. i knew the day ahead was going to turn out ugly. so much for chinese new year holidays. the way things ended up today should be a clear forecast of the year ended. i guess halfway through university, my ship will sink and i'll have no choice but to go down with it.

and i thought my 17th birthday was bad enough, it seems like my 18th birthday would follow suit as well. univeristy would bring more choices in life, some good choices that i make and others bad. making friends would have to start all over again and the old ones, some i'll forget. i have to start looking for a job and start my pay rolling in to pay for my school books and fees. moving house would take up a lot of self endurance with my parents. having to still put up at my grandmere's place till we get our house and bottling up all the nasty words i'll be dealt with.

the rains of yesterday took it's toil on my head. this morning, i just couldnt wake up. mum yelled for me to get up, and 10 mins later i was still in bed. i didnt have the monday blues or anything, i just couldnt open up my eyes to wake up. my head hurts and it feels as though it's spinning wildly around. mum couldnt stand me in bed. she asked me to walk with her this morning but i only ignored her and went back to sleep. what she said later cause me to cry in my sleep.

she didnt loved me anymore. when sharon came in to put on sun screen, she said it once again. she wouldnt love me anymore just because i didnt wake up to join her for her walk. i feel obligated to walk with her just because my dad asked me to help my mum get back in shape. but mum, just not this morning. my head's killing me. i didnt say it to her although i wished i did before she said she preferred sharon to me. she loved my sister more than me just because i didnt want to follow her just this morning for her walk? i cant understand her decision for loving me less and i doubt i want to question why she said that. all i'll ever know is, she only loved me for what i can do for her not for who i am.

mum came back at nine after her walk alone. she called me up a last time and asked me if i wanted to go to carousel to hand up my resume to one of the departmental stores and at the same time do grocery shopping with them. that was when i made one of the worst decisions at the start of the day. i rushed out of bed to wash up and only ate half an apple and a museli bar before rushing out of the house. things already didnt look too well when i got my first scolding from my uncle. he didnt like the fact that i didnt eat anything and rushed out which i already did, i showed him my wrapper but that was after he said i might faint at the shopping mall. gosh! why is my mum's side of the family so fond of cursing one another? if so, can someone please curse me to die again like what jason used to do when i was there all alone.

for everything else, i handled the trolley or if not the shopping bags. mum kept asking if i could handle it if not she'll take over and for times i wasnt doing anything, she'll ask me to carry them and stop listening to my music. mum, cant you just make a decision and stick to it? i hate having to wonder what you're going to ask for me next. you held me back here in perth just because you needed someone with muscles unlike my two other sisters to help me around the house. it hurts you know, to know that all you ever want from me is for me to help you around the house.

whenever we walk in different aisles, you shout my name or even end up looking out for where i might be simply because you were afraid i'll be lost. when we did walk together, you said i was in your way and when my bag accidentally knocked down something, you scolded me for not watching my bag. and at that point of time, you asked me to help you find a certain priced towel. i wanted to find it for you quick and that's when i didnt look after my bag. is it my fault? maybe i shouldnt have helped you looked in the first place.

i went out of the departmental store and sent you a text message. but halfway when i was out, i called you because i was afraid you'll panick and forget to check your phone when you find that im not nearby. i went to look for more jobs only to return back soon empty handed. you asked me hows finding a job? before i answered you, you got interrupted again by uncle and grandmere. i only got to answer when i started walking off on my own.

you guys had me pushing a large trolley after you only to go back and forth the same directions 4 times before you started moving up ahead. even the lady promoting some food felt sorry for me and asked if i wanted one to try and take a break. when i didnt follow, you called me there only to put down your groceries and move off again leaving me behind. i turned on my music because i was bored since everyone was up ahead. and when you called and i didnt hear you, you scolded me again. mum, i dont know. was i all my fault i had to be scolded for all of that in public? it has no logic.

that shopping trip just wasnt enough to set off my mood. dad called later in the afternoon. he couldnt bring over my guitar because i took the key with me. the case wasnt locked. that wouldnt have happened if mum, you hadnt had to bring your rice cooker and other appliances over. if so, i would have my share of the space to accomodate for my guitar. i had to leave some of my stuff behind because i set aside 17 kg for my baggage and 5 for my guitar. you took those 5 kg away for your appliances. i think i must have forgotten but that very night you said i cldnt take it with me. i took it out to play for the last time. and i must have forgotten to lock it back up when i left it one side. my bad.

maybe today just ain't going right for me. maybe i should have just slept in. maybe, like everyone else says in this household, i should just stick to my own business and ignore others or like what jason says 'go and die'. maybe if i just do all of that, i wldnt have gotten myself in this mess. and maybe just maybe, my mum wldnt have to scold me again.

maybe.

Day eighteen.

something is just different this year on chinese new year for my mum and us. it's just like any other day that sharon goes to school or when mum goes on the net to search for houses again or when im back on the bed playing neopets to fight my boredom . oh what a bore! not only does'nt australia celebrate this chinese holiday but also my uncle's family doesnt eat the bbq pork that everyone loves or even gather around the table for loy hei. so is this chinese new year merely for collecting the red packets?

i was still stuck in the early morning 'cant get up syndrome' when my alarm clock rang. well the surprising thing about my alarm clock is that it comes back every 5 mins to wake us up again. and it somehow lets itself be known from the shuffling of feet. my mum. yes, the distinct voice of hers calling us to get out of bed and to wash up for school. funny. it's only her voice that seems to wake all hers up. my other ring tones cant seemt do that impressive feat like mum can. the only thing that wakes me up is sharon slapping me up because i slept through the whole song and its somehow bothering her a lot.

we got up for breakfast with the rest of the household. even before we finished eating or before mum prepared her share, grandmere started giving out read packets to her grandson who was emoing on the sofa over something just childish i dont wish to get myself involved in. no oranges, no well wishes for her, he just lazes over the hand cushion and stares at her. at least, she could have sat down! she didnt, she only begged him to dont kick up a fuss on chinese new year's first day. i just dont get how the world is changing just because of young kids like him who just dont seem to show any respect for the elders.

mum didnt like what she saw so she made us do the usual things we did in singapore. i forgot some of my lines. sorry, my chinese seems to be getting rusty. i cant even seem to say 'have a prosperous business' or 'stay pretty forever'. the oranges here were much bigger and harder so holding them one in each hand requires stretching my fingers. after all the well wishes, sharon got off for school and mum called dad back home.

we left the house early at nine to catch the bus for school. the rains were adamant on holding us back with the strong winds and heavy downpour. it was crazy and mum blamed me for not bringing a bigger umbrella to shelter the both of us. how was i to know? summer never had rains and never that long either lasting the whole day or even for that matter a heavy one also. i smsed ansley on our late arrival to her place to sell off my second hand books for 2/3 the price. we went back 295 richer from the emptiness of our pockets.

and when we thought we were already nice enough to charge that rate, the school bulletin board showed different. others were selling off their second hand books for only 10 the minimum and 20 the maximum. okay, now i feel greedy but hey i needed that money for university books!

we went to visit my past teachers in canning college and at the same time to ask of a favour from two of my teachers. i finally found two referees for my job listing to help in supporting my statement. thank the lord! so now that all is solved, i can finally go back to the online registration and submit in my name.

third day and still no calls or smses for an interview. i must be losing my mind. i treat my phone like a baby not to be left alone. i couldnt afford to miss any calls. they could be my future employers and i just dont want to take my chances and miss out on a good opportunity. this is demoralising, not getting a job out of all the effort i've put in.

we skipped lunch since we had brunch at canning college, fries with gravy and hot chocolate for two of us. came home only just about after two to take a hot bath and soak in the hot water after getting the shivers the whole day from the cold winds. we only ate our lunch at three when sharon was home.

things have changed ever since sharon's went to school,

1. she's no longer in bed with me till 10am when we wake up together.
2. hairband fights are gone
3. dinner times are with the rest of the family
4. there's no more fruits time at the basin
5. she has to sleep early for school so i stay up alone
6. there's no one to look over my shoulder to watch my comp
7. no one to wash the dishes after me
8. i only make one milo now for myself when i get up

im going crazy with all these changes! they said you sldnt stay in your shell for too long, go out and explore the world outside. changes are something we take in our stride and get on with life adapting to them. i wish i could on this load of changes. soon enough, it's university for me, getting used to new friends, there's work and moving house with the family, our family is still separated with dad back home, getting a driving liscence and growing up into an adult.

i wish i could be peter pan, the boy who never grows up.

Day fiftheen.

i didnt know that job hunting was harder than i thought. no one told me that. not even my mum. i was the least expected for what turned out to be a half day at the carosel shopping mall, scouting for available jobs. the only thing that i prepared was my resume. all 15 of them.

i only told myself to try to give out as many as possible. what i didnt know was that at the end of the day, i was left with only 4 with an extra one in my file.

the morning was fine. that was before the scurrying of jobs in the afternoon. sharon got up early for school. i stayed in bed and slept till the hour when they left. later, mum went to fetch her to school on her first day. it was weird seeing my little sister all dressed in a uniform that i've not worn before. well, since primary school, we've always worn the same set of uniform, some i've passed down to her and others she bought herself. in primary school, all three of us were together that was before my elder sister graduated to secondary school. secondary schoool and me and sharon were still together in the same set of uniform that we worn since primary. well, its not exactly the same ones since the belts were much looser and the length longer to wrap nicey around our waists. but still, 10 years in a convent and the uniform hasnt changed. now, she's donned in a uniform that is totally unfamiliar with me. HA HA . its all striped green and blue for the collar top and blue navy shorts. somehow, i still think the IJ unifrom still looks the best.

it was monday and we had to get groceries for the week. grandma took us to coles to get the groceries while aunty irene had something else to attend to. we met later on at woolworths while they got somthing else, making me wait like a fool outside on the bench. i never imagined that i would be lying on the bench making funny faces while listening to my music and at the same time guaring a trolley full of paid goods. i think i looked like a complete idiot. and a pretty one at that.

the afternoon was tiring and lonely. mum left me alone on my job search. i told her to get back to rest and look for houses instead of accompanying me. it was hard to say, i wanted her so much with me to accompany me on my lookout but yet i wanted her to rest more at home. she wished me good luck and left me on my journey.

i started with the big departmental stores only to be dismissed with a word of going over the internet to fill up the application form instead. i tried all of the websites' employment opportunities and yet all of them have been taken or either the place is just too far away. most of them dont have vacancies at the moment to employ an extra staff. i did up the application only to be stucked at step 8 of 10. referees.

i need referees. two of them. well yes, i'll explain to you. a referee is someone who can nominate you for the job. in a way, they can support you in your application. but the trick is, they cant be your family member or relatives. it sucks huh. in a foreign country with no one except for your relatives. i have no adult friends only my teachers in canning college.

it feels weird to go back to school. im not really the kind to return and visit them only once in a while like on special occasions such as teachers' day or valentine's day ( especially in a girls' school) i dont have any reason to go back and visit them this time unless to thank them for the results i've had through my nationals. many would say they'll love my results but i wished for more. other than that, im happy enough my efforts paid off.

job hunting was energy draining. i wouldnt say that it was bigger than singapore's vivo city but yet it was still big and walking the entire span of it is nuts and i was stupid enough to do it. at the end of the day, my water bottle was left with nothing not even a droplet of water. my knees hurt from all the walking and my skin looks tanner under the hot sun. but for all of that and i managed to hand out 9 resumes to store managers and even talked to some of them, im happy and willing to take it.

some queer incidences. a store manager couldnt employ me because her store caters to older women in bigger sizes and sales assistants had to wear their clothes. looking at my peeuny size, well she couldnt employ me unless i gain like more than just a little weight on my body. a size 14 and above. currenty, im wearing a size 8, the smallest for adults and if i had to go till a 14, wow, that's almost like a a dozen kilos on my size. i gave it a miss.

i met a fellow student studying at curtin. commerce classes for the start of the first year semester one. she applied me for the job and well i hope to hear good news from her.

other places i've handed in my resume were ICECREAM shops, clothesline stores and the big departmental stores. im sure you know why its icecream and why its in caps. imagine this, free time off and i get icecream every now and then. free suagr rush whenever i want it! besides another plus point, THERE'S THIS HOT GUY WORKING THERE!

if only hard work could reward you with bountiful opportunities, then im willing to work hard to get a job. if missing out on lunch so that i had more time to look throughly through the shops, i'll give my tummy a miss. ( but i didnt, i took takeaway jap food) so with my tummy satisfied with food, i took one more look around carosel. i've explored every corner since three hours ago. and now, it was time that i went home to my mum.

3rd feburary 2008
Day fourteen.

another week has passed and the days are just getting more glum as we go.

since the strart of 19th jan when we started looking for a rented place to reside in before we start school, we still have had no such luck. dad's being fussy over the prosperity of the house and location again. sometimes, even i dont get how my mum can stand him adn his stubborness. she visits the rental website everyday for at least three times in scout for new properities only to take the readings on the compass and reject the idea. it's demoralising to look for a place to stay when both of your parents are so hard up on the idea that chinese sayings can take you a long way.

sharon's starting school the very next day. soon after, they wont be anyone else to look for houses except me and you know how badly i resent house viewing and huntings. it sucks and it just seeps out my life away. i cant believe im even wasting my two weeks lazing around only to get changed for a house viewing. i cant be that one following my mum around.

monday, i'll be out to canning college once again to sell my second hand books to a friend. and once after that is done, i might try looking for a job in one of the shops in carosel shopping centre. my faith in looking for a job is as thin as a line. i cant wish for much but i only wish i can start work soon.

1st feburary 2008.
Day thirteen.

what a great way to celebrate the new month of feburary. we woke up late into the morning and mum even gave up calling us pigs to wake up. and when i thought things were getting for the better,it turned out worst.

the call that was promised to come by the end of the week came. and it was ugly. no wonder they said no news is good news. i wished i hadnt heard it coming from her mouth but i guess rejection over the phone is twice as better than personal rejection. she didnt want me. she didnt want casual or part time. all she wanted was full time and i didnt fit into that category. i was rejected. my first try out at a job, and it just didnt turn out right.

everyone's been telling me to move on since this just ain't the last job you'll ever see. you're bound to move on to better and brighter opportunities in life. i know. but now when everything's started to look glum on me, i just cant seem to harbor that thought. it'll be a wish come true if it happened now.

i shouldnt be too surprised by the sudden rejection. no one wants to hire someone who has no working experience or who just doesnt seem to have people skills ( since i cant seem to catch onto their lingo as yet ) or who is chinese. im not too sure about the differences here but i know it happens to some. i cant say i was the target here but it just seems nudging back at me that it could be a reason.

im glad for the people who loved me and supported me through my first trial. though it didnt turn out quite right. im willing to take my chances on something better.

for my mum, thank you for helping me out on my resume. and thank you for approaching with you to the staff to enquire more on job listings. i needed that extra support and you gave me. like a bird not ready to fly, you taught me how to.

for my boyfriend, who has been there to tell me it's alright even if i dont get a job or who's been worrying so much over the working times im scheduled to, you dont have to worry now since im jobless. at least it takes out the worry lines on your forehead. not till i get myself hurt, then can you start worrying again.

for justin, your jokes were amusing. i had a great time sharing out with you. thanks for being there when i needed you ( right after the phonecall) you turned darkness into lightt with your jokes. HA when i think of it, amusing. now who wouldnt want to hire my best friend? you're right! i didnt lose out on a great opportunity, they lost out on a great leader and staff. i didnt lose. it's only the beginning of a great adventure that im going to take. HA for all the laughter you brought into my life. thanks!

ps: dont even dare call me princess.

i asked mum. she said if i didnt have to come home late. i could broaden out my search to carosel area where the shopping centres are bigger. hell if i dont get a job there, i'll stick to being a kitchen hand at kfc or chicken treat. HAHA. i promised mum i'll treat her to jap food with dad when he comes and i intend to stick to it, i want to be interpendent on earning my keep and keeping to my promises.

it's about time im serious about what i want in life.