Friday, February 08, 2008 1:00 PM
Day nineteen.i sldnt have woken up this morning. i knew the day ahead was going to turn out ugly. so much for chinese new year holidays. the way things ended up today should be a clear forecast of the year ended. i guess halfway through university, my ship will sink and i'll have no choice but to go down with it.
and i thought my 17th birthday was bad enough, it seems like my 18th birthday would follow suit as well. univeristy would bring more choices in life, some good choices that i make and others bad. making friends would have to start all over again and the old ones, some i'll forget. i have to start looking for a job and start my pay rolling in to pay for my school books and fees. moving house would take up a lot of self endurance with my parents. having to still put up at my grandmere's place till we get our house and bottling up all the nasty words i'll be dealt with.
the rains of yesterday took it's toil on my head. this morning, i just couldnt wake up. mum yelled for me to get up, and 10 mins later i was still in bed. i didnt have the monday blues or anything, i just couldnt open up my eyes to wake up. my head hurts and it feels as though it's spinning wildly around. mum couldnt stand me in bed. she asked me to walk with her this morning but i only ignored her and went back to sleep. what she said later cause me to cry in my sleep.
she didnt loved me anymore. when sharon came in to put on sun screen, she said it once again. she wouldnt love me anymore just because i didnt wake up to join her for her walk. i feel obligated to walk with her just because my dad asked me to help my mum get back in shape. but mum, just not this morning. my head's killing me. i didnt say it to her although i wished i did before she said she preferred sharon to me. she loved my sister more than me just because i didnt want to follow her just this morning for her walk? i cant understand her decision for loving me less and i doubt i want to question why she said that. all i'll ever know is, she only loved me for what i can do for her not for who i am.
mum came back at nine after her walk alone. she called me up a last time and asked me if i wanted to go to carousel to hand up my resume to one of the departmental stores and at the same time do grocery shopping with them. that was when i made one of the worst decisions at the start of the day. i rushed out of bed to wash up and only ate half an apple and a museli bar before rushing out of the house. things already didnt look too well when i got my first scolding from my uncle. he didnt like the fact that i didnt eat anything and rushed out which i already did, i showed him my wrapper but that was after he said i might faint at the shopping mall. gosh! why is my mum's side of the family so fond of cursing one another? if so, can someone please curse me to die again like what jason used to do when i was there all alone.
for everything else, i handled the trolley or if not the shopping bags. mum kept asking if i could handle it if not she'll take over and for times i wasnt doing anything, she'll ask me to carry them and stop listening to my music. mum, cant you just make a decision and stick to it? i hate having to wonder what you're going to ask for me next. you held me back here in perth just because you needed someone with muscles unlike my two other sisters to help me around the house. it hurts you know, to know that all you ever want from me is for me to help you around the house.
whenever we walk in different aisles, you shout my name or even end up looking out for where i might be simply because you were afraid i'll be lost. when we did walk together, you said i was in your way and when my bag accidentally knocked down something, you scolded me for not watching my bag. and at that point of time, you asked me to help you find a certain priced towel. i wanted to find it for you quick and that's when i didnt look after my bag. is it my fault? maybe i shouldnt have helped you looked in the first place.
i went out of the departmental store and sent you a text message. but halfway when i was out, i called you because i was afraid you'll panick and forget to check your phone when you find that im not nearby. i went to look for more jobs only to return back soon empty handed. you asked me hows finding a job? before i answered you, you got interrupted again by uncle and grandmere. i only got to answer when i started walking off on my own.
you guys had me pushing a large trolley after you only to go back and forth the same directions 4 times before you started moving up ahead. even the lady promoting some food felt sorry for me and asked if i wanted one to try and take a break. when i didnt follow, you called me there only to put down your groceries and move off again leaving me behind. i turned on my music because i was bored since everyone was up ahead. and when you called and i didnt hear you, you scolded me again. mum, i dont know. was i all my fault i had to be scolded for all of that in public? it has no logic.
that shopping trip just wasnt enough to set off my mood. dad called later in the afternoon. he couldnt bring over my guitar because i took the key with me. the case wasnt locked. that wouldnt have happened if mum, you hadnt had to bring your rice cooker and other appliances over. if so, i would have my share of the space to accomodate for my guitar. i had to leave some of my stuff behind because i set aside 17 kg for my baggage and 5 for my guitar. you took those 5 kg away for your appliances. i think i must have forgotten but that very night you said i cldnt take it with me. i took it out to play for the last time. and i must have forgotten to lock it back up when i left it one side. my bad.
maybe today just ain't going right for me. maybe i should have just slept in. maybe, like everyone else says in this household, i should just stick to my own business and ignore others or like what jason says 'go and die'. maybe if i just do all of that, i wldnt have gotten myself in this mess. and maybe just maybe, my mum wldnt have to scold me again.
maybe.
