Saturday, February 23, 2008 7:25 PM
im not talking as much as i should. it's not like the first time mum and the rest have told me to keep my mouth shut for a sec or two. literally a 'shut up amanda, it's not important' kind of thing. do i really talk too much? do people hate me so much for talking so much?
what is up these days that even those around me dont have the time to listen to what i have to say. even a small joke doesnt seem to get across to them and they dont laugh. they only find it amusing when im the only one laughing and not them. what's making everyone so hard up these days. you know what? i rather be insane and talk to myself than to you guys.
so what if my character means i tend to talk more? it's not my fault. i say what comes to mind and im not the kind to hold back unless its about my feelings against you. i try to keep quiet about it but my blog just says it all. im fine. dont ask me anymore.
amanda ain't talking much and you think something might be bothering me. so, in the first place why do you say i talk too much? havnt you gotten used to the whole idea of me talking non-stop?
monday, you have monday till i really blow up. a few weeks ago, when we first arrived you promised me and sharon that 2 weeks from 19th jan, you'll give us a place to shelter under. a place we can call our own, without care or worries. mum you lied again. i cant remember how many times you kept assuring us that you'll have everything sorted out before sharon started school, and now, it has to be before i start school. im sorry mum. school's starting next week. i cant help you much with the moving of things. im sorry, till now, i just dont get why you have to delay so much with looking for a house. exploring your possiblities? sorry mum. i cant get what youre trying to get at. all i know is that i've been cheated by you. you kept promising but you never gave.
for all the times you assured us that it'll come soon, that dream house of us. i cant see that same dream as yours. i cant believe in a better future here in perth. studying here in perth is going to get me somewhere with a better degree? why cant singapore do the same? the more i question my being here, the more i feel myself distance away from your love. if its all about your selfish need to migrate here so you can be with your mum or even to retire, i hate you. i know you think for our studies, but mum have you ever considered our feelings to come over here without any qualms? you didnt even asked us for our opinion. even my paternal grandma doesnt feel too good for her grandchildren to migrate over. and doesnt your own mum have had enough people to scold around here? so mum whats your verdict?
when im 18, drinking wont be the first thing i'll do unlike the rest. im legal enough to be my own guardian. so mum, yes, i hate to say this. but like any 18 year old. i want to have my own life. living with you only seems to make things between us uglier. the more i say what i feel, you defend yourself as though you werent wrong in the first place. so am i always the one to take the blame for everything? im moving out. we'll still meet up on the weekends. i promise you. i know i tend to forget my promises but i'll try to remember all these. with this distance, at least we wont argue so much on little things.
it's these little things that seem to pull us apart even more. i dont even know you anymore. you just seem to me like anyone of the lai's im living with now. i guess i cant blame you for having those genes. but i dont seem to get along well with them. i cant say hate. it's just not right to. maybe with this distance, i wont have such a bad gut feeling when i talk with you.
a few more months till my birthday.
im moving out soon after.
im sorry mum. i dont know what else to say but just dont stop me.
