Friday, March 28, 2008 8:33 PM
like everyone else, you can put all the blame on me.
everyday, it's always something new. and till now, you just dont care who you blame it on and what the blame it. sometimes, i just dont care to even bother to justify myself. who cares about the law and the righteous? who cares about the opressed or the accused? they dont. i cant even care now. if i had to count the number of times i got blamed for something i didnt do, you would have be broken from all the cost of the lawsuits youre filing against me.
i dont know my purpose here on earth. i live my life so that people can find satisfaction in putting the blame on someone. i get by everyday knowing that at some moment, the things you talk about in cantonese are about me. the blames on me. found anyone to take the blame? why not just put it on amanda?
you know what? i just dont care a damm about what you guys talk about. i dont care if you say im the one always when everything and anything goes wrong. i dont care at all if you say im the cause of all your problems. well i have too much of my own problems to even care about yours. so why not just add on to it, until you find the extra time from not blaming it on someone else. and when you do, maybe you know just maybe you'll be able to source out the problem and work on it.
when mum told me it was the hokkiens who were more rude in their speech, i actually believed that until now. you lied mum. at least they tell you right in the face unlike you guys. you know what i hate the most and what i find most rude? backstabbing. if you hate me, I DARE you to say it right in my face. dont tell others about me if you have no guts. if you had none of all in the first place, dont even bother saying all of those about me.
mum. the road im taking wont be the one you carved for me. you told each one of us to follow our dreams. i did and i want to carve out my own road. even if it means drifting from you and my sisters to find a place of my own. i'll make my own way. im ready to run and im not afraid to. be it a friends' place or the streets or the salvation army to look for shelter. i will.
i'll make my own way and you'll be happy if i was right? well mum i'll be happy if i moved out. you say i changed but the more i think of it, this household changed me. the blames i get, mum i used to be a confident person and now all i ever know is how people think of me. i used to be able to speak out without asking for guidance. i used to be able to go out on my own without a map to lead the way. but all this household has ever done was to make me fearful of what life brings.
i trusted you and told you my fears. but all you ever did was to push it aside and blame it on my sensitivity. blame it on my period mum. you can blame it on my character. i cant change mum. there are just some things i cant change to what the lord has made me as. there are just some things i cant share with you for fear that you'll just push it to one side and god knows when you'll actually realise im crying within.
mum. i am just so sick of getting blamed. i really am. you say you understand but yet you dont. you say im just overeactive and theres no need for it. i have to mum. you rather i go bonkers over all these by bottling in? you rather i told you since you hate us keeping things from you. but mum when i do share with you, why do you treat it as though it has no weight. you just dont understand how i feel.
how do you like it when someone or everyone constantly blames you for everything that has happened. and because of you, everything goes out of cycle when you came into the picture. how you you like it mum when youre own gradma complains about you? how would you think i felt when i compared both my grandmas and wonder why i have to stick with the one i hate most. im sry mum. i just dont see in the same light as you do over your family. when you had the intention of slapping me when i said that why didnt you? i rather you drive me out of the house than for me to stay back and be condemmed by those you say you love.
love? i dont feel loved at all in this household. you seem to forget what loving means all about mum. i love you just that i cant seem to be honest with you these days. you say im a problem child and yes i admit i am. i seek for attention and you just cant grant me that since everyone just wants a piece of you.
when i was younger, i had my way since i was the loudest. i demanded for the attention that was missing since when other two sisters had all of it. i demanded and you gave willing. now when i ask for the same amount. you dont. you hold back because other things were just more important than me. when i was younger, i fought for the attention in my voice, the scenario now is so much different. when i ask for it. you shut me up saying i talk too much and when i dont you think theres a problem with me and that i dont share my problems. wlel mum, if you only took some time to ask your daughters how they are dealing with this whole aussie shit. then you'll know why im this resistant on you.
everyday is like living in hell. that extra breath that i take every second, i wish it was for someone fighting for her life on the hospital bed. everyday i hope that person struggling for her last breath would havemine instead. i rather be relieved of all these problems. i have had enough blames. there is so much i can take in my stride. i have broken down more than twice and fell from the heavens above, forsaken by the father. all i need is a little love and yet i get none from the family i have.
i wish this was just all a nightmare.
7:12 PM
i know i havent been blogging for quite some time. im really sorry. university is really turning me into a zombie. every monday its lectures throughout, thursdays and fridays are tutorials and lectures. so what abou tuesday and wednesday? i've been doing my assignments, notes for lectures and tutorial. what about weekends? saturdays are the days im outside searching for a job, with friends or with mum searching for furniture and church. sundays are trainings and rushing my last minute assignments.
i dont even remember having a life since i was 17. you made me slave my life away to books and school when everyone else had friends to accompany them throughout. is it all too much to ask if i delay my studies for a year or so? why cant i study with individuals my age? why cant anyone understand that for this purpose of studying earlier and getting a job before anyone else is all but just a con. a con to get the whole family here and you made me bait first.
no mum. it doesnt work this way. you tell me i ought to forget things of the past. i try to but i cant. you tell me that if i study abroad i'll be ahead of others, but when you tell others why i went to australia earlier, it was just so you could have me scout the area for you. isn't it ironic how you make a picture so pretty by creating my future only to destroy it in telling others i was just a scout for you.
i detest the way you crush my dreams with this whole migration thing. you tell us its for a better future and yet you never ask us how we felt about migrating.dont drag my dad into this. he didnt ask for his children to migrate over, neither did his mum. the idea of having you reunited with everyone else here in perth is making me sick. so youre happy yourself while you make everyone with you detest you?
do you think its really worth it to have everyone hate you for your own selfish thinking? i never questioned you when i was younger and i dont remember having anything against you then. i dont get how one year in perth on my own has made me this way. neither do i understand how it has changed me so much. im really sorry mum. im not the daughter you raised up to be. i dont understand myself and how i've changed for the worse even in a family that others would dream for. those in broken families would dream for my kind of family and yet all i want to do now is to run away from you.
dont ask why. it's just that i feel so pressurized being someone you want me as and not who i am. i fee like you want me as somebody and yet i cant give you that. you ask me not to be so sensitive on things and yet my personality doesnt allow for that. im sorry mum. i just cant be the daughter you see me as.
i hate my life. i hate this place im living in now.
Saturday, March 08, 2008 4:39 PM
i went for rowing with Soo, 9am at salter's point. it was just the two of us with two other seniors but it was cosy. we had the whole resevior to ourselves. we met early and took out the tressles to lay the boat on, the rows and the boats. since it was only the both of us, we took to a scull each. training was fun and yet weird. when i thought it was only the four of us on the waters, there was something more...
territoral crabs, fishes that nibble on your feet, jellyfishes( the non-poisonous ones) and dolphins. yes shocking huh. i cant believe that im rowing with the dophins. i didnt see many only a few that skimmed on the waters surface. hard to believe but true enough it was a dolphin.
to one each, we trained for 2 hours. although i wished it was longer but the seniors had their own stuffs and i was already beat from all the rowing to and from shore. i did almost a few laps back and forth while she coached me from the shore.
4 hours from this and last week's training and i still have'nt gotten the hang of the turning directions.left turn- row right, right turn- row left. spot a jellyfish, whack it with your blade- defend yourself! im just kidding, i was tempted when i came across one at my blade tip. my senior had to guide me with instructions on which blade to square and which to stide. haha! pathetic me. i wish it was canoeing. direction turning was so much easier.
oh please. now i wish everyday was rowing training. at least theres no university or bad news from potential employers on my job application. im glad at least rowing is something i look forward to every weekend. i hope like canoeing, i'll get into the school team and participate in races, one in which i forfeited the last- dragonboating when i had to leave.
things will change for the better. my phone got fixed after it got soaked in water from the leak in my bottle. sometimes, i just dont question how it gets itself fixed. i dropped it a couple of times HARD on the floor and woohoo! haha
PRAISE THE LORD.
i so love rowing and the LORD.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008 10:15 PM
university life is killing me. for once in my life, i feel like i have no goals and i dont know which direction im about to take. the only thing people tell me is that my choice of the major is a good one to last me in the future. a double major? i must be crazy to take one of those. i wish i could do just a single so i wont have to stay back to study another year or so. but for now, i dont even know if i want to take human resource as a major.
i spend my weekends burying my head into books and lecture notes. and every other weekend, its a test or an assignment due. im with my computer and notes almost every min of the day except for the times i bathe, eat or sleep. i gues when had my breaks before i started out, i shouldnt complain too much of free time because now i need one badly.
i sleep less, eat more ( because my appetite increases when i study) and play less ( exercise less). i guess i'll turn out into a workaholic with a fat belly. HAHA
the assignments are due soon and im still on square one. they said dont fret till two weeks before. but i hate the pressure then, so im starting now. but even so, i dont know which direction im taking. im walking/running endlessly without a map. soon enough i'll burnout like a matchstick that has burnt out its last breath of light. my life is like a box of matchsticks and im down to my last one soon if i keep on with this pace.
i feel like pitying myself. crying if it helps. but everyone knows that crying cant help you tide over your life in university. the assignments need completion, the tutorials need working upon and the tutors need to know you understand all that's said in the lectures. 'they' need me and yet i have to run. i dont know if i can keep on running because one day i know victory wont be mine to keep. it's for those who strive hard and survive in the end. in the end, all that matters is i keep in pace and do what i have to do to survive/
i need myself to understand that life is never easy. that fairytale i was hoping to happen wont appear without me completing university. that prince charming waiting on his stead wont love me if i had'nt learnt something beneficial in life.
if this is the road i have to travel, i wont have to worry since everyone else starts off with me. so in all, university life aint so bad is it?
i need a break so badly. when can all of this be over?
Tuesday, March 04, 2008 10:35 PM
university life is scaring me. the work load, tutorials, lectures and assignments is keeping me on my toes. the datelines are tight and i dont know if i can ever make it on time. university is like a life saver's float on the water. you have to cling tight on it to survive being washed away by the strong currents. all they give you is a float. nothing else. all you can depend on is the float and your survival instinct. my survival instinct is to the bare minimum. i hate my spoon-feeding in secondary school. self independence takes a while to get the hang of it.
i tried out for the rowing club on sunday. i knew my sense of directions was bad without a map but i didnt think it was going to be that bad. i lost my way and took an hour of so asking for directions and walking myself there. by the time i walked there, there was no seats left in the 8 seater boat which had been taken up by others. i got myself the inistructor himself in a one seater boat. 45 minutes to whats remaining of the lesson while the rest were out into the waters. i was still struggling with my oars and steadying of the boat.
canoeing and rowing is miles apart from one another. one paddles front and the other rows backwards. canoeing requires only one paddle in which you switch from sides to move the boat while rowing needs two oars to be seated into the metal lock at the side of the boat. for rowing the oars only need to skip the surface of the water whereas canoeing needs your whole tip of your paddle into the water. differs a lot. i took quite a bit of time adjusting but the coach said it was remarkable for a newbie to row so well on her first try. woohoo!
there was a bbq breaky after all the rowing and washing of the boats and putting them back into the storage. i got a ride back to curtin by a friend and met michelle right after in town for lunch ( pancakes!!) for once, i preferred their pancakes to mummy's ones.
rowing's on saturdays or sundays. the thing is, i cant wait till it!
