Friday, March 28, 2008 8:33 PM
like everyone else, you can put all the blame on me.
everyday, it's always something new. and till now, you just dont care who you blame it on and what the blame it. sometimes, i just dont care to even bother to justify myself. who cares about the law and the righteous? who cares about the opressed or the accused? they dont. i cant even care now. if i had to count the number of times i got blamed for something i didnt do, you would have be broken from all the cost of the lawsuits youre filing against me.
i dont know my purpose here on earth. i live my life so that people can find satisfaction in putting the blame on someone. i get by everyday knowing that at some moment, the things you talk about in cantonese are about me. the blames on me. found anyone to take the blame? why not just put it on amanda?
you know what? i just dont care a damm about what you guys talk about. i dont care if you say im the one always when everything and anything goes wrong. i dont care at all if you say im the cause of all your problems. well i have too much of my own problems to even care about yours. so why not just add on to it, until you find the extra time from not blaming it on someone else. and when you do, maybe you know just maybe you'll be able to source out the problem and work on it.
when mum told me it was the hokkiens who were more rude in their speech, i actually believed that until now. you lied mum. at least they tell you right in the face unlike you guys. you know what i hate the most and what i find most rude? backstabbing. if you hate me, I DARE you to say it right in my face. dont tell others about me if you have no guts. if you had none of all in the first place, dont even bother saying all of those about me.
mum. the road im taking wont be the one you carved for me. you told each one of us to follow our dreams. i did and i want to carve out my own road. even if it means drifting from you and my sisters to find a place of my own. i'll make my own way. im ready to run and im not afraid to. be it a friends' place or the streets or the salvation army to look for shelter. i will.
i'll make my own way and you'll be happy if i was right? well mum i'll be happy if i moved out. you say i changed but the more i think of it, this household changed me. the blames i get, mum i used to be a confident person and now all i ever know is how people think of me. i used to be able to speak out without asking for guidance. i used to be able to go out on my own without a map to lead the way. but all this household has ever done was to make me fearful of what life brings.
i trusted you and told you my fears. but all you ever did was to push it aside and blame it on my sensitivity. blame it on my period mum. you can blame it on my character. i cant change mum. there are just some things i cant change to what the lord has made me as. there are just some things i cant share with you for fear that you'll just push it to one side and god knows when you'll actually realise im crying within.
mum. i am just so sick of getting blamed. i really am. you say you understand but yet you dont. you say im just overeactive and theres no need for it. i have to mum. you rather i go bonkers over all these by bottling in? you rather i told you since you hate us keeping things from you. but mum when i do share with you, why do you treat it as though it has no weight. you just dont understand how i feel.
how do you like it when someone or everyone constantly blames you for everything that has happened. and because of you, everything goes out of cycle when you came into the picture. how you you like it mum when youre own gradma complains about you? how would you think i felt when i compared both my grandmas and wonder why i have to stick with the one i hate most. im sry mum. i just dont see in the same light as you do over your family. when you had the intention of slapping me when i said that why didnt you? i rather you drive me out of the house than for me to stay back and be condemmed by those you say you love.
love? i dont feel loved at all in this household. you seem to forget what loving means all about mum. i love you just that i cant seem to be honest with you these days. you say im a problem child and yes i admit i am. i seek for attention and you just cant grant me that since everyone just wants a piece of you.
when i was younger, i had my way since i was the loudest. i demanded for the attention that was missing since when other two sisters had all of it. i demanded and you gave willing. now when i ask for the same amount. you dont. you hold back because other things were just more important than me. when i was younger, i fought for the attention in my voice, the scenario now is so much different. when i ask for it. you shut me up saying i talk too much and when i dont you think theres a problem with me and that i dont share my problems. wlel mum, if you only took some time to ask your daughters how they are dealing with this whole aussie shit. then you'll know why im this resistant on you.
everyday is like living in hell. that extra breath that i take every second, i wish it was for someone fighting for her life on the hospital bed. everyday i hope that person struggling for her last breath would havemine instead. i rather be relieved of all these problems. i have had enough blames. there is so much i can take in my stride. i have broken down more than twice and fell from the heavens above, forsaken by the father. all i need is a little love and yet i get none from the family i have.
i wish this was just all a nightmare.
