Friday, June 20, 2008 9:30 PM
i fear the outcomes of tommorrow's race.i feel the guilt eating up my conscience. in front of everyone else, i have lied. i promised my whole self that i would do well in this race. i promised my coach and my partner that i'll get that first place and now, im losing my mind lying to everyone.
thursday's training was tiring. coach jo, took us out into the waters on a speed boat with johan. halfway through training, i was panting and weezing like an old woman on a treadmill. no wait, i bet my grandmere could run better than me on it. my stamina is really on the low end and its not working out for me and this race.
1200 rows, i dont know if i can even make it. i dont know if i could even win the pride of everyone after the disappointment on the course. i know im stupid to think of failing, but im at ends meet. i know myself and the confidence i have in this race is on the low side.
i have always been confident of anything just not when im being judged along others. i dont like it when my abilities are matched against others of the same. i dont like it when i lose out. i dont like to face competition or exams because in either case, im under pressure to perform and that's not my natural self. it is the pressure that puts me off route and i lose my confidence.
i just pray that the end result of the race would be in our favour, it doesnt have to be first place, all that matters is that we're not in the last. now i fear, since everyone else competiting against would be younger and stronger( having had experience).
