AMANDA NICOLE
eighteen
taurus
24 april baby
catholic
guitarist
aikidoka
msn-addict
prone to getting high
CRAZIED
tomboy-er
sms/chat lover
JOKER OF THE YEAR
st. anthony's preschool
chij bukit timah
art club
st. theresa's convent
RED CROSS
acjc(three months)
CANOEING/DBOAT
catholic jc
canningcollege
Shopping fan
curtin university
ROWING
swimming
working to earn a living

playing on my guitar;D
searching for tabs online
music
OUTDOORS:D
water sports, CANOEING
mountaineering
camping outdoors
orientation camps!
SHOPPING!
ROWING
movieing with friends
being totally ME
smsing/chat
blogging;D
scouting for eyecandies.
Chocolates
running/crunches
reading for leisure
suntanning<3
SUN SAND SEA.

conquer mount kinabalu
master drums one day
learn guitar tabs ( currently)
to be a rich woman!
grow taller!
learn how to do makeup
travel around the world backpacker style
get back home to singapore!
do well in up in uni exams
ROWING CHAMPIONSHIPS!
hiphop street dancing
the special coffee blend
do something crazy and wild
get my honours!
work hard in both my jobs
throw the old, get the new
be the next AUSTRALIAN IDOL

crumpler bag
rowing championships medals
more eyecandies!
to dye my hair brown/red
my food hunt
workout dumbells
GET AN AWESOME TATTOO
another piercing to go with
new balance dryfit apparel
nike running dryfit tee
splurging on sunglasses
COME BACK HOME!
lesser projects/schoolwork
another jar of jellybeans!
retain my 46kg
running machine
doritos nachos
cadbury icrecream tubs
up my fitness level
to get my HOT abs
to able to carry a scull by myself
get tanner under the sun!

designer   DancingSheep
resources   + +

first day of school.

while others started their first day of school on a monday, i started mine when half of the week was almost over. school started today, a wednesday and of every other wednesday and friday till the term ends. yes, i only have 2 days of school. i sense a tinge of jealousy in the air.

some envy me because i only have 2 days of school to attend. others say im crazy for cramping lectures after tutorials one after another. but then again, my lessons aren't so packed against one another. wednesday is one heck of a day. i have a lecture that starts early in the morning at 8.30am and one that wraps up the day at 8pm. with a two tutorials in the middle and a good 4 hours of break in-between.

i went to work during that break today to help cover kerrie's shift at the dk shop while carlene takes her lunch break. i didnt have anytime to change out of my clothes into my work uniform as i was already running late from missing a bus by minutes, and the bus seats were way too cramped to be changing at all- so i had no choice but to change while running to the store (i had my arpon dangling at one end of the bag, my ear phones were dragging across the floors and i had to keep my eyes on the road ahead while slipping my head through the neck opening.

my day went great so far. it didnt feel as lonely as it did when i first started out semester one at uni. i knew friends from the last and so, i didnt feel uncomfortable with school starting out again. i've made friends. 2's still pretty much a progress since i didnt have the courage the last to make any till 3rd day. matthew's in both my management and econ. techq lectures and tutorials ;D the 2 units i take for the day- in simple words, we have the whole day together. he's a pretty cool guy although first sight, you would have labelled him a geek, but gosh, has he the nicest leather shoes i have seen and the longest feet, or is it just the design of his shoe. im a size 4 and his shoes could most easily double that of mine. we got bored during econ. techq lecture that we started passing notes in between us> for a guy his age, passing notes is pretty childish ;D but im glad he did, at least he helped me survive through 1/2hr of the lecture.

i missed my driver. johan arranged for alex to fetch me home after my last lecture, but we didnt meet at all. it was a concidence that we were in the same lecture- and i still havent got hold of what major he's doing but we didnt meet. did i leave too early or too late to have missed my ride home? i wasnt really looking forward to taking the bus home- the reason was that past peak hours, the buses only arrive every 1 hr, so i had to wait.

i met a guy at the bus stop just outside of carousel. concidence again. he stays around thornlie area. we were taking the same bus home, and he's studying at swan tafe, pretty close to curtin- doing a hospitality and chef double degree. we exchanged details other than contact numbers, a lil too early dont you think? nice guy but i wouldnt see him as bf material; D more of like a confidante, although it's only our first meeting, but he's really nice to chat with,

'when would be the next we meet?'
'if i dont have a ride, every wednesday this time at 8pm,
i'll be waiting for the same 206 bus to catch home.'
'so, i'll see you then?'
'yup, i'll see you then'.

the old school punishment in the books. clearly, megan's trying her luck, making fun of the teacher.
michelle, bad shot! (whacks head)

the high school girls- we came dressed for the occasion.

we just had to relieve our childhood moments. hold on, this was supposed to be taken in one of those japanese photo taking boxes.
i think i squeezed megan a little too tight she had to barf- but i dont know why she barfs like that ;D - maybe it was more of 'cuckoo cuckoo, a lil too tight dont you think?'
i TOLD you megan was a school bully. the old school trick that led to many cat fights- hair pulling!
the clubbing gang : johan, me, megan and alex and of course, the photographer herself, michelle.

we dont like you at all! - this is what we do when we're bored. forgive us; D

all cheers to the new semester! (gassp..! johan's already half drunk)
this is what we do outside of econs class- but we apply simple rules, we DEMAND to be photographed, and michelle SUPPLIES, F.O.C (this is not in your textbook) this is why i love cam-whoring. truly, i think johan's already drunk. although, all he had till then was a red bull or... he was checking out a girl, but with eyes closed? you have to do better than that ;D

it was really one crazy heck of a night.

and you guys made these pictures all happen,

within a night of crazy attitude.

let's club, Back to School

we went clubbing last night at Metros, in Northbridge. everyone was dressed exceptionally in their old school uniforms, even the bartenders had donned tight- fitting school uniforms, some of which were so small that were bursting at their seams. others had school shirts since the 7th grade, that couldnt support their shapely bust while others had went all the way to finding matching outfits.

the club's really big. three storeys in total with an open space on the top, elevators and bathrooms on all the floors- the onyx bar only had three cubicles and not exactly the kind of place you want to relief yourself. there were three bars on the ground floor, a central bar on the second and an eatery. the third storey was under renovation.

the music wasnt as great as it was when the clock striked 1am. the club was packed on the dance floor at around 12am- there was hardly any space to dance without accidentally knocking over others. the drinks came in at 11pm, i cant remember the name of the drink but it was this lime green liquid that was poured in shots. i had 4 shots while michellle and megan had 6 in total, other than that, i had a red bull and two glasses of water. 4 hours of clubbing and i didnt had to take it to the toilet.

th usual group was there, those from the onyx bar the last. we arrived at 11pm and cam-whored the whole hour till 12am when the music got crazy. when justin timberlake's song, my love came out, and i heard it from the third storey, i had to drag michelle downstairs with me- a bunch of school girls running down the staircase, it was really funny. and i still remember the ij-ian fad, (avoiding the side of the staircase which is not covered since it'll be a free show to all standing below. )

oh, did i say, michelle looked really hot- she wore the top we bought for her on our trip last friday at valleygirl with jean shorts and black boots. megan was awfully stunning, it was shocking. she was clad in black shorts and stockings, a bleach body hugging top and her old school tie.

nelson was jealous i could dance. he said it wasnt fair that i was new to the club scene and yet i could dance like the rest- he took a while to get used to the club scene and its dance. he revealed to me upon my question as to how he learnt to club, (psst, its a secret between us) that he used to practise in front of a mirror. i could totally do that; D in front of the bathroom mirror.

metros didnt appear like the asian club scene like everyone says it was. there were loads of caucasians there last night- even johan said it was unusual, but i think i know the reason for their appearance. school's starting for most of us university students, where else to find them other than at the club that spots loads of asian girls? megan was dissing the two white guys looking in our direction- this was what she said ' why are the two caucasians looking at us, omg, they're so old, what, 30-40 years old and we're only 18! ' we were laughing hysterically when one of them was holding a glass of liquor perhaps? and smiling at us.

i guess i really have a high standard. most guys dont even cross that line. some barely crossed it- those that have girlfriends already i suppose? but none that i would take a second look at, other than alex, since we're always around him. he taught me to shuffle and the running man- but i need help on them; D oh did i mention? i saw sailormoon!, except she was in red rather than blue. but still! it was funny though when i saw her dance. guess i wasnt used to seeing sailormoon clubbing.

the night was too short. i had to go home early since mum wasnt really into the idea of her second daughter clubbing late when her sister wasnt the sort to go with. we were all really hungry when we got out of the club at 3.30am but most of the food stores in northbridge area were packed. so we settled for mackers after sending megan home- breakfast! before buying mum sat and sun's newspapers at the nearest caltex station.

i finally went to bed at 5am and slept till 1pm where i set my alarm to allow 8 hours of sleep- i wouldnt want to oversleep and feel shit the next day at work. i woke up at 7am, felt like i hardly slept; D the red bull's doing. i skipped training- didnt want to miss it if i promised to go, but that would mean i would have to do my own training at home. the next race's in 2 weeks time. women's quad in bunbury and maybe pop over a sleepover and loads of clubbing?

we'll see.

left to right: johan, ME and megan

my makeup that night wasnt that great- need professional help!

this was the rest of the group plus missing, nelson and sheryl and her friend, left to right: johan, alex, megan and michelle; D

work is such a chore,

because everyone starts going off for holidays at the end of the school holidays to avoid the holiday peak period. i had to come in for work every single day just to cover these shifts, a spare tyre as you call it. unlike the rest, i didnt have a fixed work schedule. i was called in on days when someone else couldnt work- trust me, i have heard more than just the usual reasons that people use to call in and not turn up at work.

i have been up as early as 7-8am every day just to prepare for work. this week alone, i have taken shifts that belonged once to school kids who worked in the day, during the holidays. now, their shifts are up for the taking, but no one else wants to take their shifts, they already have their hands full with school, let alone a job- so ann is back to square one, hiring people.

working in dk doesnt feel the same as it did when the rest were still working. i have lost touch with friends that used to work there and who have made the place a better environment to work in, a great boss was lost to another job on the basis of a higher pay and the price of donuts have risen quite a bit. when i learnt about this job, it wasnt really profits that mattered, but 2.00 for a small donut- now that's a rip off. i cant even afford lunch to be above 5.00, let alone spending frivously on donuts. i cant even believe that im standing behind those counters and selling those donuts- i must be insane!

we had a laugh at wendy's on monday after shopping -i thought i'll just try my luck with a centre's discount- applicable to all working patrons in carousel. instead of proof for one, i showed my name badges for both jobs, dk and subway. the lady serving us had a laugh. but i guess one was good enough and she could only grant me one discount. i should have carried around my hungry jack's nametag as well. the more the merrier;D

i've been really tired for the past week. not only had i a job to show up to during the day, i had to train by evening. the women's doubles are on this saturday and after the flu bug finally decided to give me a break, i've been trying to bring my stamina back on track. although i havent made the time but the distance- im satisfied, 2-2.5km a day is good enough not to tire my legs out the next day.

try this girls, i've asked almost all of my dk friends. it's one of my favourite.
in order of importance, rank these three traits;
1) money
2) looks
3) personality

i've got loads of different answers from my friends. after you have revealed your choice, state a few reasons as to why you have ranked them in that way. i bet you'll have a laugh when i let you know mine.

ps: everyone wants their guy to have a hot bod, so do i, unless of course, you prefer a guy with some blubbler on him- thats fine, everyone to allowed to have different tastes. well, i love my dad, blubber and all- it's just the beer you see.

have fun;D

clubbing @ The ONYX

saturday. 11pm-3am.

the music wasn't entirely great but it did get the crowd on their feet and dancing. we only managed to get in the club after an hour of waiting in the long line. other than bracing the cool night air, the smoke in the air was stifling.


i was shivering cold from the winds and only had a small jacket on so johan took off his coat and put it on me. it felt so warm on the inside but he was feeling the cold bite. everyone else had to smoke to keep warm- no one was even prepared for the chill.

the wait was definately worth it. i enjoyed myself that night. although the night was short, with the club closing at 2am, the music at the end bit was great. we got ourselves a drink with a slight bit of alcohol in it- thats all, and it was more of the dancing that made my cheeks red not the alcohol, i cant be that bad.

johan introduced his friends at the club e.g. alex and nelson and i met two girls who were friends with alex, great girls. sheryl complemented on my first club scene apart from the black and white asian event helf earlier this year. johan, on the other hand was loss for words as to my performance that night. he said he was surprised that i danced as though i was in the club scene since high school- i quote "you know you look like a natural out there".

i dont remember attending clubbing lessons- i doubt there's any classes held for it. i just had the passion to learn how to dance like the rest, their heat, the way their body moves and the energy in the dance. it just feeds off from there, indulge yourself in the fun everyone is having. i think clubbing's a whole lot more fun without the drinks.

drinking would be great if i know i wont get drunk,
and do something stupid like blabber like a baby,
or even worse.
i shal'nt even discuss about it;D

subway baby!


that's it. no more. the rest looks really retarded and im not risking posting it online;D bleah/

oh my, i'm injury prone ;D

i thought it was only the sports that i did, that i had to worry about myself, but i had two accidents today, one with blood and the other with a bruise. before you get all, "omg, are you alright amanda?", just like the rest in the shop, i am fine. the blood's stop and the pain is easing a little.

i've got a few more cuts that i wasnt even aware of. it's weird. i was changing and whilst i held up my elbow. there it was, a deep circle cut on my left elbow. it looks kinda deep- the fact that im not too sure on depth since its all healed up, without me taking notice.

the knives were sharpened last night, and i was unlucky enough, to meet my fate during the rush hour. i slit my thumb my accident- and the reaction was really good. it was a pretty loud shout when i took notice. it seems like a pretty small cut on the outside but it looks really deep when you pull apart both edges of the skin. that explains pretty much, why i had to hold pressure on my wound for 5 mins. i had to change my bandaid twice because it got wet from doing the salads.

i keep getting apologies from jason- he's this hot emo guy in working in subway';D as he was the one who sharpened the knives under wendy's instructions- said he was innocent in taking part in this injury.

the next was when i slipped and landed, front first on the metal bench . the floor was wet and i was rushing orders. the impact was hard and the after result pain. i took no notice of what i said immediately after the fall when everyone started laughing at me. i said " omg, owww... my breasts hurts." while rubbing them. it was really pain! and i thought they were made of fat, to cushion the fall.

i had a long day at work. even the flow of coke drinks couldnt keep me awake for work till 5pm. i was really exhausted, and everyone else looked the same on their faces. edwin from dk wanted to fire me, by writing a threatening note to subway, for selling him 'overcooked' cookies as he claims to be ( i didnt have any of that, and slapped him on his front cap. )

i better sleep early tonight. i have a long day tommorrow.

11am- 2pm : shopping for clubbing attire @ carousel- this really great dress i saw at LIVE for $95.oo,
2pm- 4pm : school to get next semester's books at the second hand store.
4pm- 11pm :home sweet home- dinner and a nap
11pm-2am : clubbing @ the onyx bar- wee hours of morning

saturday's schedule:D

2am- 6.40am : sleep
7am- 8.45am : rowing @ salter's point
11am- 4pm : work @ subway
6pm- 7pm : church

if i survive this schedule, i'll blog it.

recovering from the fall.

training was really hard for me. we did ergo instead of on-water training because of the strong winds. it was bad. having had rest at home and avoiding all kinds of exercise, i have lost all the stamina i have built over the past few weeks.

whilst i could do a 10 min row- 2.5km, i could only manage a 1km, 5.5 min today. my heart couldnt take the heat, and i was out of breath almost by the 2nd minute. we had to do our own individual training because i couldnt keep up with galatee's training-20 minutes!!

im really exhausted today. i had to go to work, kerrie already blew up at me yesterday when i didnt turn up for work. she said i didnt have a good enough reason to skip work, when im due to come in, in less than an hour. she was really in a bad mood when i lost my cool as well. i dropped my bags, took off my uniform and jumped back to bed- without a care for her.

i didnt feel so good after breakfast. i felt fainting spells and unsteadiness took me unguarded. while i was doing my morning routines, i felt it already. i thought i would feel a little better after a little food in my system, but it didnt help much.

work was dreadful. i had to get a hold of myself a couple of times when i dazed out. i wanted to leave early but no one would tend the shop with carlene. i didnt have lunch. lunch wasnt something i had at my will. it would have to be after my shift, since the hours i work are between the morning and lunch shift- busiest times. i had to take awake on the sugar dose from 3 donuts.

i hate being so stubborn.
i need to get well for the race next sat,
but with my stamina this low?
my body this weak,
im not sure if i can even stand up
to see the end.

results for semester one, 1st year at univeristy.

i thought i wouldnt be able to manage a distinction, let alone a high distinction. the following results were unreal. even, i couldnt believe it was so easy to score for the semester. the results were based as a percentage of the whole entire semester, taking into account the tests, projects and the final examination. they didnt release the final marks for the examination but i knew i screwed up on a few papers. the end result, unbelievable.

accounting 100 81 high distinction
economics 100 76 distinction
legal framework 100 71 distinction
marketing 100 71 distinction

marketing really did take me by surprise. the project was really on a low mark, while everyone else scored a better than us. we only managed a 63 % for the marketing group project while i had myself a 70% on the individual assignment. the examination probably i would assume to be a 65%. but a 71% overall, now that is unexpected.

the other one that was surprising was accounting. we almost failed the group business project. a 15/25 while everyone else managed a good mark such as a 17-20 range. we were really disappointed in the marking process and the fact that our business project was only labelled as satisfactory. it was a hefty 40% of that mark that we had risk, pulling our overalls down. the examination on the other hand was either really easy as most who did accounting before in year 11/ 12 or was easy to make up for the strict marking in the project wise.

i ought to be proud of myself. my parents were and my friends are jealous of the results that i get, but yet, i dont even feel a tinge of happiness. i dont know why. it's just results we're mulling over, why the stress about how well you do or not? all that matters is the personal achievement of that person. in my case, i did it and i should be happy about it, but why ain't i feeling any of it? what i have felt for the last few years of study is that i have worked so hard just to make everyone happy but not myself.

when i was young, i desired the attention as the middle child. i have strived so hard to make my parents proud of me and my sisters jealous but in the end i was beat to it. my parents were never as proud of me as compared to my elder sister. if it wasnt for studying, i could have been neglected and left aside, forgotten of my true potential. in the last couple of years, i studied hard for an accpetance into an university, i studied hard so that my parents wouldnt worry about how i would cope in a new study environment, i studied hard for everyone else but me.

next semester it'll be the same and the next few years to come.
i have to learn to work for myself and not for any one else.
i need to take credit for my work and accept the fruits of my labour and,
unless i start to understand that my results are the personal achievement
of my hard work and effort,
i would never understand the true beauty of working hard for myself.

sickness took me by the hand when no one else would.

that morning was different. i felt really tired. my mind refused to wake up when the clock rang at 5.40am and decided to take a short snooze. time went by and i was oblivious to how much i slept in when i woke up and saw new time, 6.23am. it was a nightmare. mentally, i knew that i had to rush for things as galatee would be waiting outside my house at 6.40am. with only 20 minutes to spare, i couldnt think of anyhing else but to jump out of bed.

breakfast was packed, four slices of bread without any spread. it tasted raw, which added onto the long list of why i sldnt to going for training. the day wasnt starting out great for me. the past few nights have been late, playing online games to pass on the time. yesterday, my body took the toll for everything, the late nights and overactive life that i lead- i came down with a throbbing headache and a dry throat.

the unexpected rain during training only made things worse.my body couldnt cope with the slight drizzle and so i developed a slight fever, only to have made it worse from the long day of work. i've been stubborn, but never been this stubborn. i knew i was falling ill, my body was feeling weak by the moment and yet, i persisted.

i ended work late, having been scehduled for close. no one in subway knew i was succumbing to sickness. no one could tell because, everything seem normal to them. linus was very nice. not only had he cleaned the display cabinet, he took it upon himself to sweep and mop the floors. i was only left with the minor cleaning such as polishing the windows and degreasing the microwave and toaster.

the only time when i had totally no strength to fight against my illness was the bus ride home.

there wasnt any buses till an hour and a half later. i cldnt wait out in the cold for the bus to take me home. my body was already shivering from the cold air and a fever had developed within 15 minutes of waiting. it wasnt like the usual cold days where my body was generating heat to keep myself warm. this was different. i felt different and the heat was undeniable a fever.

i took the risk and walked at least 200m in the cold winds to the other bus stops where more buses could be alighted from. if there wasnt going to be a direct bus to home, it wouldnt hurt to take two buses home, if the waiting time was shorter. i was right. instead of arriving home at 8pm, i was home 45 minutes earlier. it did save me on the waiting time for one bus, but i didnt help on having to wait 40 minutes on the last of the two buses at thornlie train station, with fumes of smoke in the air by passerbys and their cigarettes.

the cold was unbearable, the pain immense.there were times where i blacked out or saw grey spots when my body couldnt generate enough heat to shield against the deeping temperatures. the bus ride took longer than expected.

when i finally made my way to the front porch, i was already in the state of collasping on the brick tiles. i fumbled for the keys in my bag but came out empty handed. i knocked on the door a couple of times, awaiting for a response but got none in the next few minutes. i knocked again, this time, the knocks getting softer and slower in time. i thought i heard a shout from inside the house. i waited for the next couple of minutes in agony where my arms gave way to the weight of the bags and newspapers. this was going to be the last. the next few knocks on the door were harder and slower between each interval. the door knob clicked from the inside after a few knocks and realisation hit hard. i was going down.

the last thing i saw was charmaine at the doorway before i blacked out hitting hard on the door posts. she was as shocked as i was when i stumbled back up from the fall, the bags and newspapers on the floor. the next thing i knew when she was picking up the things from the floor, was that i ran as fast as i could to the bathroom.

i had no appetite for dinner, but the panadol that i had to eat required that i had something to eat before medication was taken. i was so cold that i had to bath in steaming hot water admist the fever that i had. besides wearing a shirt underneath a pullover, i had to wear on a winter jacket and a scarf to sleep, sunggled under a winter blanket and the heater turned on 24/7 for me

i slept at 8 and woke up at 12 for another dosage of panadol with 4 hours in between as instructed. the next i woke up was at 8 for a sore throat medication, 8 hours apart from each dose. i slept for one and 1/3 of a day. i slept in for 16 hours straight, apart from waking up to take medication, and skipped mass today. i have been a bad girl, missing out on the extra sleep that i needed, skipping out on training and mass this morning and not drinking enough water.

i hope i'll be up and well on tuesday. i have commitments to carry out and a weekly schedule to follow. i have work in the morning and training in the late afternoon and i cant afford to miss either of this. the competion is in a week's time and we havent got much time to prepare for training.

oh god, please let me be well.
i promise you, i wont eat any candy for this week,
that i'll be a good girl and attend mass next week
and be prepared for school in the following weeks.

cam-whores!


at least the camera came in handy and we cam-whored for over an hour.

i got tired after a while and was caught off guard in this pic.

this part was funny. i was supposed to take a shot of her while she was in the air. i did take that shot but i didnt take her head ;D so indirectly, that body shot might not be her. dont ask me how her hed got severed in this picture. i didnt know my camera skills were so bad when i took others, i guess i should just stick to self-camming.

if there is ever a next time, remind me not to touch the camera unless the view is on me; D

4 people and only one for the job.

the shop was in total chaos. with a long line of people ahead of us, the orders never stopped coming. technically, the shop should be operate with any two employees around since it was a smaller shop than compared to the one in the foodcourt which required 4 to managed. but, no one ever said about anything if one of those two were to be handicapped.

carlene wasnt feeling too well. she had small fainting spells which were the result of a lack glucose in her system, having not eaten since 6 hours ago. she declined taking a break at 12pm when the rest were around, so at 2pm- her body wasnt taking it well. she looked really weak, so i had no choice but to dismiss her to the back, to take a breather and buy lunch.

it was crazy in the shop after then, not only had i to take over and finish up on her half-finished orders, i had to take up new ones, so as to not impatient customers. i have never felt so pressured in my life before, not even the an examination for my worst unit.

choices had to be made fast, and orders had to be done well.

i was rushing between two huge customer orders. cant they spare me some pity knowing that im the only one in the shop to tide over the rush hour. one wanted 4 hotdogs on the spot, 4 milkshakes to go along with the meal and 4 cinnamon donuts. now, when youre rushing orders, the whole place just seems so huge and everything appears to be so far apart. i practically had to run from one corner to the next. the other wanted 8 cinnamon donuts and 4 coffee deals to be done up, not to mention, taking and stacking the cups and saucers from the dishwasher, setting the tray and everything else. it was hell. complete hell.

the customers werent sparing and the orders kept on coming along.

when carlene came back with her lunch, she looked a lot better and i wasnt. i was so stressed and worn out with juggling 3 orders at once and the context of the orders didnt help at all. when the crowds dispersed, i managed to take a breather for a while at the back in the kitchen. my legs were giving way from all the running around and my breath was relentless, it didnt calm down, to a point where even carlene was concerned. i closed my eyes, with the support of the side bench, resisted the state of zon-ing out.

i have to thank to constant pressure though. it helped me keep my mind off food ;D for once, in 6 hours of non-stop exercise, i have never thought about food, other than the occasional sugar snack to keep my glucose levels going. i never ate till 5pm since 10am in the morning after breakfast i eat every 3 hours, it just this winter season is getting to me bad compared to anyone else. its not that i have to eat or if not i'll faint, but i might have gastric if not fed. my tummy is a stubborn lil thing. i eat 4 toast of bread for breakfast while other girls are spooning off the creamy texture of yoghurt. eww.

the best part. (censored) i havent went to the toilet to relieve myself since 10am in the morning till 6pm when i was home. i didnt have the need to. i guess all the water that i've drank was converted to something useful like sweat ;D no kidding, i do drink loads. while at work, im able to drown myself with two bottles of 750ml water, a vanilla 600ml coke and two energizer drinks to keep the mind mentally active for work.

i hope today wont happen again.
it nearly scared the wits out carlene,
with the stress that was building up,
within me,
the pressure that my body was taking.
next time, please.
put me with someone who has
had lunch.

the will to carry on without you.

to the girl whose boyfriend appeared on the front pages of the local newspapers, i honour your will to live on. it is never easy losing someone to old age, and even more so, of a tragic incident dealing with pilot training exercises in brunei. i respect your bravery to hold on.

im at a loss of words on how to console you over your loss. i cant ask of you to move on, because i ain't myself. i would have betrayed my own feelings if i had encouraged you to stay strong. and it would be disturbing to psych myself into being happy when i clearly am not.

elvin, i dont have the will to carry on without you but i cant ignore the pain i've been through.

i cant wait another 5 months just for you to finish A Levels, for us to be together again. i actually fell for the disguise that you put on and it was really foolish of me to believe in yet another lie. do i really have to wait if you really loved me? was it the distance between us that has strained this relationship or was it us? did you really mean it when you said you'll wait for me, 3 or 4 or even 5 years if i had to? was it all for real or did you had to fabricate all those lies?

would it even help it i had waited? would you be able to concentrate on studies then? unlike track or frisbee, im not just another extra-curriculum activity that you can just drop out of when you feel the pressure of studies acting upon your nerves. you can jump a few hurdles, throw a frisbee but not dump this relationship as though it never meant anything in the first place just to pick up the pieces later on.

and so, i've waited. the faith to believe that things wouldnt work out between us is undenyingly strong but the flesh is weak. i have waited though i have said otherwise. i have lied on my mum, my sisters and friends, that we werent in contact. i have told many lies to cover up for you, for us, for this bleak relationship but not this time. this time, the people out there whom i have lied to, have to know.

i dont feel the security in you. how am i supposed to know if im in for a second breakup? how am i to judge your love for me? or how strong it is that you would climb mountain tops for me? how should i know that you'll be able to handle the pressure of one thing without giving up on another how should i know all of those if i dont trust you?

elvin, i cant give you a definate answer that i'll wait till those 5 months are up. i cant say if i would still have the same feelings that i had the last when i was with you. i suppose those 5 months would do me good on a solitary life of a single, or i might be lucky and find my mr. right within those few months.

it wont be fair to you, while youre at exams but i've made an offer to stay by your side, only to have been brushed off. i have waited a month or so for answers. elvin, i really dont know why you feel everything is so hard to explain. i dont get why you find it hard to find the answers im looking for. is everything so hard for you up there? australia's not the problem youre finding it hard to cope with this r/s, its your attitude.

during that one month,
trying to forget you seems like a pretty hard task.
i've blocked and unblocked you several times on msn.
questions were asked with no answers found.
we had endless fights, that were futile attempts of getting us back.
im still coming to terms with throwing your stuff away,
but im afraid by doing so, i'll throw a part of me away.
i dont feel the same for you as i did when i said 'i love you',
we've managed to turn from enemies to friends.
we'll stay there.
nothing more.

nothing more now,
nothing more 5 months later.

mum's out of town and the house is upside down.

mum flew out of town, for singapore on sunday at noon. she left us a couple of chores to do while she was away-damm my mum is a smart woman. she wrote us a list or two with concerns over how to prepare certain dishes to the using of home appliances. i guess some things just have to be taught rather than be written down on paper.

the washing machine went bonkers today and paper didnt say anything about the machine going on forever without stopping. we had to call mum early in the morning to fix the problem. there are just some things mum does it better, like the operation of the timer on the heater or the pressure cooker.

we went shopping for groceries today. we wanted to avoid the heavy rains and thunderstorm on thursday so we decided to preponed the shopping days to today. we carry some heavy items home, like milk and juice. my plastic bags gave way from the heavy weight of the juice bottles and sharon dropped her plastic bag of biscuits. BISCUITS ! on the hard cold concrete pavement. god knows if she was arranging her hair or daydreaming when she dropped the bags.

life's pretty quiet without mum around to bug us.

Women's Quad Race Division E

we came in last, but the effort was worthwhile. its our first race. mine the second, having raced in a women's doubles with galatee. coach was proud of our performance and everyone else thought we hooked it other than the bad start.

we missed the start. the empire blew the horn but we didnt realise it until everyone else had a headstart. we were stil checking our boat into the lane when we heard the rest moving past us. this is why my coach labels most empires as mean and unethical- they dont wait for you to get into line, and expect all competitors to ensure that they are in their lanes. at least they didnt blow their top at us- but did at fremantle girls when they were in the wrong lane.

if we hadnt missed the start, fourth or fifth placing would be ours to keep, noting that it was only our first race to start off with. we gained the experience, confidence and self assurance that we could conquer any race and the memories to last for this event.

we were all so breathless after the race that i had tummy aches at both sides and had to take awhile to get my breath back. it rained, so admist all the rain and mud, it was cold. the rains made the seats and footing wet- so i couple of times i lost my grip and had to re-adjust even during the race. cold, very cold. the winds were so strong once, they had to hold back on the races but not strong enough to call the whole event off.

my saturday's are always a headache, from running to one place and another- i dont know when'll ever stop to take a breather. i do know that my work schedule and training sessions wouldnt allow of it. so there you go, i am still a prisoner of time. i was so worn out during church that i dozed off a couple of times during the semon, father was giving. ouch. i guess my body just couldnt take the sweat and pain from rowing competitions to work in the afternoon and finally evening mass.

yawn.
maybe youre right afetrall,
i do need a rest.
i have training early tmr morning.
good nights,
and sweet dreams.

free donuts, free lunch.

they say kindness begets kindness. we gave out free donuts and i got a free lunch in return. today was a little different at work- in order to promote our new additions to the shelves (the new donut sensations), we gave out free donuts to all those who work within carousel. it was all part of kerrie's idea to convert these group of potential customers into regular buyers.

everyone had a different favourite but the votes were on cookies and cream and white chocolate glazing with blueberry fillings. i prefer the latter. the blueberry oozing is to die for- it just melts into your mouth along with the sweetness of cadbury's white chocolate. before we even reached the other end of carousel, we ran out of the popular donuts and decided to head back.

i had a free lunch- no cost, no credit. richard (subway) made me a ham sub free of charge and aston (donut king) finally gave in to my persuasion- a bottle of water as i left mine at kerrie's end. now, that is what i call a free lunch ;D

now because i work as a temporary for dk these days since they werent giving me enough hours to cope with the school holidays- i had to look for work, from which i found subway, i had no idea this would happen any other day.

my two dk bosses started an argument as to who would have me to work at their end. -_ -'' ann claimed that she has already booked me for next week and she needed someone reliable to cover kim's shift at the foodcourt area. kerrie, on the other hand, need me to fill in so that at least there would be one person to tend the shop. they considered sophia but at the mention of her name- both of them didnt want to hire her- ann stating that sophia would hurt her business as she irritates customers with misunderstandings caused by her poor language skills. kerrie couldnt afford to hire her at her end as sophia has not been exposed to the other shops's bearings (the environment, coffee machine and the till).

after work, i went to the club to help jo and the rest load the boats up on the trailer so that they could be brought to the racing course tommorrow morning. there was the boats to load from sculls to quads, the oars and other techical equipment such as the loudspeaker and blue foam pads another both the trailer and jo's 4 wheel drive.

the race plan is as follows:
Women's Division E, 4x (Quad) + with a cox
race division: WE4x+
race no. : 16
time: 11.29am
location: champion lakes
lane no. 6
racing boat(quad): osphrey
racing attire: racing suits and training wear
to bring: $8, umbrella, cap, extra change of clothes

this time, there's hardly any room for mistakes as we would be rowing in a quad- more stability so there is no excuse to capsize. having made ourselves a name in the first Women's Doubles Grade D race for capsizing 4m from the finishing line, everyone including our coach would have high hopes for this race, everyone including me.

i want not to win the race, but to perform the best.
i want not the glory from the race, but the satisfaction from achieving.
i want not the trophy to bring home, as they would only collect dust,
but the memories that would last through a lifetime.

i want us girls to do well for tommorrow's race.
go curtin women!

next semester and a whole lot of trouble ahead.

july 1, 2008.
i did my re-enrolment at school for my major. the reason why i cldnt change my units back at home online was because they cancelled one of the units that i was going to study and that i was in a pre-major ( i havent had chosen which major to study on).

i have chosen now. economics and finance.
i figured out human resource management and industrial relations double major would be too hard to cope in the later years of university. the units all seemed very dry to start off with and most of which focusing on human resource management only. i cant judge to say if management would be hard to cope with as i havent done the unit till next semester- of which is compulsory for all first year students to take the 6 core units, accounting 100. economics 100. legal framework 100. marketing 100. business infomation systems 100 and lastly management 100.
i did the first four in this semester.

mum was worried about my choice to undertake economics and finance thinking that it'll be hard to find jobs with relation to it- busines banker/ teller, economist, financial planner, insurance advisor and there were loads more to it. she was afraid that my studies wouldnt be able to help me reach top jobs like an economists or either that i wouldnt like the daily life of an insurance/ financial advisor and that a business banker would not fufil the education that they paid for.

a letter came yesterday. it was for me. it came from the school- curtin business school. the letter congratulated me on my outstanding performance in the economics 100 unit. while it lasted, i felt good about my choice of major, with the backing of the schoool, to undertake an economics major, that is till i found out that my sister had the same letter last year on her accounting 100. a little disppointing but i was fine with it as we werent in the same legue. she was going with accounting and finance. i was fine till this morning.

she had a dream,

that the letter wasnt meant for me and that i scored a low mark for the exams. it was meant for someone else who, like me worked hard to earn a decent mark on every task, who strived hard to sustain their marks and who would go the extra mile to do all the practice questions online. and because i received that letter, someone out there might have been disadvantaged.

maybe that someone might have been desperate to receive such a letter so as to apply for a scholarship, maybe that letter could have done some justice to the pain that someone might have gone through to applease his parents or maybe, someone might receive a little more love and attention from mum and dad, with that letter in hand.

just maybe, i pray, that i would be that person.

i would have so little to lose if i didnt had received it in the first place. on the other than, the other person might have. because of me, i have placed someone else at the disadvantaged point. i have stolen what little fame the other has. i have taken credit that wasnt mine. maybe, what if she was true. maybe afterall, it wasnt a dream to start off with.

if anyone really had to understand, the only reason i took upon myself two jobs, rowing and rearranging my timetable in such a way that i'll would only have two days of school so that the next few days- i'll be at work, is because im afraid to be loved again. the only reason why im still running is because i cant demand the same kind of attention that i used to when i was little. things were different when i was little, there was so much i could ask for with my voice, but now, when i use it, an argument always start off.

the only reason why i hate going home is because, im reminded of the lack of attention. i am reminded that as an 18- year old i have responsibilities to take, and i cant forever depend on my family for any love or affection. i dont blame my busy schedule for pulling me away from this family, i dont blame my lack of voice for wanting more, i dont blame anyone for understanding what im going through, i just blame myself for being the middle child.

i blame myself for what i've made my life to be.
the path that i have chosen to take with no regrets but hate.
i cant have what was past-
i cant be the child that wants to be loved.

run my love,
run as fast and far as you can,
run to a place where people will love you,
run to where you will be loved.

the greatest sin of all times- the icecream and waffle dribbled with honey and a generous helping of mocked cream.
the highlites, the movie treat and the sugar rush!

michelle especially hates this picture;D she says she was caught off guard but i love that look on her face of total boredom; D sorry michelle but this picture tickles my funny bone.

once again- i dont know if she didnt like it because 1) i was hogging on her cam 2) i didnt pose a picture with her in it 3) she got tired of me self camm-ing all the time

now that's a pretty picture of us.

this one- she was happy because she was inside; D you should have seen her shoes ! it was so nice! ha;D michelle, you look like a duck here.

this was my state of sugarness after eating my waffles- oo my waffles. oh gosh, my eyes looks like those of a japanese- you know how traditional japs used to have only eye slits.

this is why i sld never eat icecream and waffles on a regular basis.

thank you michelle for that day; D i enjoyed myself!

KUNF FU PANDA!

the show is hell funny. you guys should definately watch it after an exhausting day of running around. i thought i was going to doze off to sleep halfway during the movie but the nachos were good. hell good. we finished the whole packet of the two that i rushed to get after work at coles while michelle went to get macs for lunch.

not bad for being a staff at macs- she got half the price of the meals that we were getting. so we only had to pay $4 each for a meal that costs $7.95, and i got 2 packets of nachos for $4. i mean working at dk and subway does has its benefits and i sldnt be complaining as i get all the freebies, be it drinks, donuts or subs.

pandamonium was a good term to decribe the movie. i never thought pandas could kickbox, slam dunk and even do kungfu. i loved the part where the cameras slowed the timeframe when po's fat ass smashed the villian's cheek. hell funny; D we both laughed so loudly- it became infectious.

i especially love the monkey character played by jackie chan- i thought they were both funny and he played his character really well. oh gosh, the best part was when po scrambled up, 10 metres off the floor, to find his jar of cookies. after the credits were showned- there was a small clip, where the monkey was frantically digging his hands into the jar to find his cookies only to have po standing outside with a mouthful of cookies.

after the movie, we went to gelare for icecream and waffles. its half price tuesday for waffles! we shared a waffle with two scoops of spendid cookies and cream and triple chocolate icecream. not to mention- after every sugar rush, i get a lil sugar high. i did. it was bad. even kim at dk was asking me if there was ever a time where i would stop laughing and smilling at life; D. michelle said i was going bonkers and she kept teasing me that im high.

i was, that night.
and every laughter i take home brings out a better tommorrow.
for me and for everyone else.