Thursday, July 03, 2008 12:55 PM
next semester and a whole lot of trouble ahead. july 1, 2008.
i did my re-enrolment at school for my major. the reason why i cldnt change my units back at home online was because they cancelled one of the units that i was going to study and that i was in a pre-major ( i havent had chosen which major to study on).
i have chosen now.
economics and finance.
i figured out human resource management and industrial relations double major would be too hard to cope in the later years of university. the units all seemed very dry to start off with and most of which focusing on human resource management only. i cant judge to say if management would be hard to cope with as i havent done the unit till next semester- of which is compulsory for all first year students to take the 6 core units,
accounting 100. economics 100. legal framework 100. marketing 100. business infomation systems 100 and lastly management 100. i did the first four in this semester. mum was worried about my choice to undertake economics and finance thinking that it'll be hard to find jobs with relation to it- busines banker/ teller, economist, financial planner, insurance advisor and there were loads more to it. she was afraid that my studies wouldnt be able to help me reach top jobs like an economists or either that i wouldnt like the daily life of an insurance/ financial advisor and that a business banker would not fufil the education that they paid for.
a letter came yesterday. it was for me. it came from the school- curtin business school. the letter congratulated me on my outstanding performance in the economics 100 unit. while it lasted, i felt good about my choice of major, with the backing of the schoool, to undertake an economics major, that is till i found out that
my sister had the same letter last year on her accounting 100. a little disppointing but i was fine with it as we werent in the same legue. she was going with accounting and finance. i was fine till this morning.
she had a dream,
that the letter wasnt meant for me and that i scored a low mark for the exams. it was meant for someone else who, like me worked hard to earn a decent mark on every task, who strived hard to sustain their marks and who would go the extra mile to do all the practice questions online. and because i received that letter, someone out there might have been disadvantaged.
maybe that someone might have been desperate to receive such a letter so as to apply for a scholarship, maybe that letter could have done some justice to the pain that someone might have gone through to applease his parents or maybe, someone might receive a little more love and attention from mum and dad, with that letter in hand.
just maybe, i pray, that
i would be that person. i would have so little to lose if i didnt had received it in the first place. on the other than, the other person might have. because of me, i have placed someone else at the disadvantaged point. i have stolen what little fame the other has.
i have taken credit that wasnt mine. maybe, what if she was true.
maybe afterall, it wasnt a dream to start off with.
if anyone really had to understand, the only reason i took upon myself two jobs, rowing and rearranging my timetable in such a way that i'll would only have two days of school so that the next few days- i'll be at work, is because
im afraid to be loved again. the only reason why im still running is because i cant demand the same kind of attention that i used to when i was little. things were different when i was little, there was so much i could ask for with my voice, but now, when i use it, an argument always start off.
the only reason why
i hate going home is because, im reminded of the lack of attention. i am reminded that as an 18- year old i have responsibilities to take, and i cant forever depend on my family for any love or affection. i dont blame my busy schedule for pulling me away from this family, i dont blame my lack of voice for wanting more, i dont blame anyone for understanding what im going through,
i just blame myself for being the middle child.
i blame myself for what i've made my life to be.
the path that i have chosen to take with no regrets but hate.
i cant have what was past-
i cant be the child that wants to be loved.
run my love,
run as fast and far as you can,
run to a place where people will love you,
run to where you will be loved.
