Tuesday, July 08, 2008 11:42 PM
the will to carry on without you. to the girl whose boyfriend appeared on the front pages of the local newspapers, i honour your will to live on. it is never easy losing someone to old age, and even more so, of a tragic incident dealing with pilot training exercises in brunei. i respect your bravery to hold on.
im at a loss of words on how to console you over your loss. i cant ask of you to move on, because i ain't myself. i would have betrayed my own feelings if i had encouraged you to stay strong. and it would be disturbing to psych myself into being happy when i clearly am not.
elvin, i dont have the will to carry on without you but i cant ignore the pain i've been through.
i cant wait another 5 months just for you to finish A Levels, for us to be together again. i actually fell for the disguise that you put on and it was really foolish of me to believe in yet another lie. do i really have to wait if you really loved me? was it the distance between us that has strained this relationship or was it us? did you really mean it when you said you'll wait for me, 3 or 4 or even 5 years if i had to? was it all for real or did you had to fabricate all those lies?
would it even help it i had waited? would you be able to concentrate on studies then? unlike track or frisbee, im not just another extra-curriculum activity that you can just drop out of when you feel the pressure of studies acting upon your nerves. you can jump a few hurdles, throw a frisbee but not dump this relationship as though it never meant anything in the first place just to pick up the pieces later on.
and so, i've waited. the faith to believe that things wouldnt work out between us is undenyingly strong but the flesh is weak. i have waited though i have said otherwise. i have lied on my mum, my sisters and friends, that we werent in contact. i have told many lies to cover up for you, for us, for this bleak relationship but not this time. this time, the people out there whom i have lied to, have to know.
i dont feel the security in you. how am i supposed to know if im in for a second breakup? how am i to judge your love for me? or how strong it is that you would climb mountain tops for me? how should i know that you'll be able to handle the pressure of one thing without giving up on another how should i know all of those if i dont trust you?
elvin, i cant give you a definate answer that i'll wait till those 5 months are up. i cant say if i would still have the same feelings that i had the last when i was with you. i suppose those 5 months would do me good on a solitary life of a single, or i might be lucky and find my mr. right within those few months.
it wont be fair to you, while youre at exams but i've made an offer to stay by your side, only to have been brushed off. i have waited a month or so for answers. elvin, i really dont know why you feel everything is so hard to explain. i dont get why you find it hard to find the answers im looking for. is everything so hard for you up there? australia's not the problem youre finding it hard to cope with this r/s, its your attitude.
during that one month,
trying to forget you seems like a pretty hard task.
i've blocked and unblocked you several times on msn.
questions were asked with no answers found.
we had endless fights, that were futile attempts of getting us back.
im still coming to terms with throwing your stuff away,
but im afraid by doing so, i'll throw a part of me away.
i dont feel the same for you as i did when i said 'i love you',
we've managed to turn from enemies to friends.
we'll stay there.
nothing more.
nothing more now,
nothing more 5 months later.
